Kemps humble request to the impudent generation of Ballad-makers and their coherents; that it would please their rascalities to pitty his paines in the great iourney he [pretends], and not fill the country with lyes of his neuer done actes, as they did in his late Morrice to Norwich.
To the tune of Thomas Delonies Epitaph.
My notable Shakerags, the effect of my sute is discouered in the Title of my supplication; but for your better vnderstandings, for that I know you to be a [sort] of witles beetle-heads that can understand nothing but what is knockt into your scalpes, These are by these presentes to certifie vnto your block-headships, that I, William Kemp, whom you had neer hand rent in sunder with your vnreasonable rimes, am shortly, God willing, to set forward as merily as I may; whether I my selfe know not. Wherefore, by the way, I would wish ye, imploy not your little wits in certifying the world that I am gone to Rome, Jerusalem, Venice, or any other place at your idle appoint. I knowe the best of ye, by the lyes ye writ of me, got not the price of a good hat to couer your brainles heads: if any of ye had come to me, my bounty should haue exceeded the best of your good masters the Ballad-buiers, I wold haue apparrelled your dry pates in party coloured bonnets, and bestowd a leash of my cast belles to haue crown’d ye with cox-combs. I haue made a priuie search what priuate [Jigmonger] of your jolly number hath been the Author of these abhominable ballets written of me. I was told it was [the great ballet-maker T. D., alias Tho. Deloney, Chronicler of the memorable liues of the 6. yeomen of the west, Jack of Newbery, the ] [ Gentle-craft], and such like honest mē, omitted by Stow, Hollinshead, Graftō, Hal, froysart, and the rest of those wel deseruing writers; but I was giuen since to vnderstand your late generall Tho. dyed poorely, as ye all must do, and was honestly buried, which is much to bee doubted of some of you. The quest of inquiry finding him by death acquited of the Inditement, I was let to wit yt another Lord of litle wit, [one whose imployment for the Pageant was vtterly spent, he being knowne to be Eldertons immediate heyre], was vehemently suspected; but after due inquisition was made, he was at that time knowne to liue like a man in a mist, hauing quite giuen ouer the [mistery]. Still the search continuing, I met a proper vpright youth, onely for a little stooping in the shoulders, all hart to the heele, a penny Poet, whose first [making] was the miserable stolne story of Macdoel, or [Macdobeth], or Macsomewhat, for I am sure a Mac it was, though I neuer had the maw to see it; and hee tolde me there was a fat filthy ballet-maker, that should haue once been his Journeyman to the trade, who liu’d about the towne, and ten to one but he had thus terribly abused me and my Taberer, for that he was able to do such a thing in print. A shrewd presumption! I found him about the [bankside], sitting at a play; I desired to speake with him, had him to a Tauerne, charg’d a pipe with Tobacco, and then laid this terrible accusation to his charge. He swels presently, like one of the foure windes; the violence of his breath blew the Tobacco out of the pipe, and the heate of his wrath drunke dry two bowlefuls of Rhenish wine. At length hauing power to speake, “Name my accuser,” saith he, “or I defye thee, Kemp, at the quart staffe.” I told him; and all his anger turned to laughter, swearing it did him good to haue ill words of a [hoddy doddy], a [habber de hoy], a chicken, a squib, a [squall], one that hath not wit enough to make a ballet, that, by Pol and Aedipol, would Pol his father, [Derick] his dad, doe anie thing, how ill so euer, to please his apish humor. I hardly beleeued this youth that I tooke to be gracious had bin so graceles; but I heard afterwards his mother in law was eye and eare witnes of his fathers abuse by this blessed childe on a publique stage, in a merry Hoast of an Innes part. Yet all this while could not I finde out the true ballet-maker, till by chaunce a friend of mine puld out of his pocket a booke in Latine, called [Mundus Furiosus], printed at Cullen, written by one of the vildest and arrantest lying [Cullians] that euer writ booke, his name Jansonius, who, taking vpon him to write an abstract of all the turbulent actions that had beene lately attempted or performed in Christendome, like an vnchristian wretch, writes onely by report, partially, and scoffingly of such whose pages shooes hee was vnworthy to wipe, for indeed he is now dead: farewell he! euery dog must haue a day. But see the luck on’t: [this beggerly lying busie-bodies name brought out the Ballad-maker], and, it was generally confirmd, it was his kinsman: he confesses himselfe guilty, let any man looke on his face; if there be not so redde a colour that all the sope in the towne will not washe white, let me be turned to a Whiting as I passe betweene Douer and Callis. Well, God forgiue thee, honest fellow, I see thou hast grace in thee; I prethee do so no more, leaue writing these beastly ballets, make not good wenches Prophetesses, for litle or no profit, nor for a sixe-penny matter reuiue not a poore fellowes fault thats hanged for his offence; it may be thy owne destiny one day; prethee be good to them. Call vp thy olde Melpomene, whose straubery quill may write the bloody lines of the blew Lady, and the Prince of the burning crowne; a better subiect, I can tell ye, than your Knight of the Red Crosse. So, farewel, and crosse me no more, I prethee, with thy rabble of bald rimes, least at my returne I set a crosse on thy forehead that all men may know thee for a foole.
WILLIAM KEMP.
[3:1] Sion neere Brainford, and Mount Surrey by Norwich (Marg. note in old ed.).
[4:1] A great spoone in Ilford, holding aboue a quart (Marg. note in old ed.).
NOTES.
[Page 1, line 2], Mistris Anne Fitton, Mayde of Honour to ... Queene Elizabeth.]—A Mary Fitton, daughter to Sir Edward Fitton, of Gawsworth, and maid of honour to Queen Elizabeth, is mentioned by Ormerod, Hist. of Cheshire, iii. 293; and “Mrs. Fitton” is noticed as holding that office in several letters of Rowland Whyte, printed among the Sydney Papers. It seems unlikely that the Queen should have had two maids of honour called Fitton; and yet we can hardly suppose that Kemp mistook the Christian name of his patroness. I may add, that an examination of Sir E. Fitton’s will in the Prerogative Court has proved to me that his daughter was named Mary.
[P. 1, l. 6], sort.]—set, band.
[P. 1, l. 11], Kery, mery, Buffe.]—Compare Nash’s Haue with you to Saffron-walden, 1596, “Yea, without kerry merry buffe be it spoken,” &c. Sig. F. 4; and Middleton’s Blurt Master Constable, “Tricks, tricks; kerry merry buff.” Act i. sc. 1; Works, i. 235, ed. Dyce.