The sequel of all this spite to their mother, was a great deal of kindness to John Bull. Leave matters to us, said they, we shall take care that so worthy a man shall not be imposed upon; you should always have some of us about your own person, and give us some decent employment, that no body may suspect the design of our being here; we shall take care to place people in that unnatural sister’s house, so that not a whisper shall be uttered among her gossips, but you shall hear of it; and these speeches they commonly concluded, with a beware of counterfeits. John upon all this looked like a perfect oaff: he thought Mr. Luchar’s knife was at his throat every moment; and these favourable dispositions they took care to improve. One time he was told that a cousin of Mr. Luchar’s had come in secretly at Peg’s garret window; at another time, that Mr. Luchar himself had bought a pair of new shoes; at another time, that his sister Margaret had laughed at him, when she heard that he went up to the leads; and all this, besides being asked regularly every morning, what would become of him, if he had not some trusty friends to stand between him and that unnatural sister. In short, John was put from his sleep, and his appetite; he stared and stammered in his speech; you could not hear a word of common sense from him; and to have spoken a word of common sense, would have disgraced you with him for ever.
History says, however, that John did not continue very long in this humour; and, indeed, it must be owned, that it was for once a good thing to be of a changeable temper: it would have been the devil indeed, to have continued for ever in the hands of spies and informers, perpetually talking of the miseries of human life; and the truth is, that there was nothing in the world more repugnant to his ordinary temper; so that though he could not all at once return to a perfect cordiality with his sister, yet he listened to people who advised him to take gentle methods with her. He accordingly, let even Mr. Luchar himself off, with little more than an obligation to put on his breeches every morning before he came down stairs among the ladies; and sent a civil message to his sister, to ask her how she did, and to propose taking a lease of her garret, and said that he would pay her any rent she chose to put upon it. Many odd projects, indeed, were put in his head at this time; such as to turn that garret into a stable and coach-house; to make sister Peg lodge her coals in it, brew her ale, and wash her linen; in short, to make Mr. Luchar himself, besides putting on his breeches, carry up earth, and plant cabbages and turnips upon the leads. It is true, that nothing of all this has been done; but it is not John’s fault, he was at some expence about it, and meant all for the best.
CHAP. IV.
How John’s affairs had like to have gone to the devil.
We know how difficult a thing it is to write history. Whenever the reader meets with any thing that exceeds his own pitch, he presently attacks the credit of the historian; and we shall now be asked how came John Bull, who was such a coward in his own house, to be so very rash, as we have said, in that scuffle with Lewis Baboon. The fact is, that John never was slow at getting into a quarrel; he was choleric beyond measure; and as for mischief out of doors, there was nobody readier. He had a parcel of watermen who feared neither man nor devil, and when he was in his barge, either on the east or the west lake, it was but a word and a blow with him; he never was afraid to meet with Lewis Baboon there, nor any where else, except at home. When you proposed to John, to go over to Lewis’s own house, and break his bones for him, he thought nothing more easy; but alas, if Lewis talked of coming to him, matters went no better than we have said.
You will easily believe, that after that scuffle in the barge, Lewis Baboon must be in a very great passion. Accordingly, he cursed and swore like twenty dragoons, that he would speedily see John in his own house, and show him in the face of Mrs. Bull herself, what sort of a man he had affronted: this was sooner said than done. But in the mean time, nobody could tell what was become of John, and all his watermen; whilst Lewis Baboon went vapouring about every where, and did what he pleased. He drove John’s cattle out of Cracket-Island, and took possession of it; although John used to think that nobody could ever dispute islands with him, so ready was he with his barge to relieve them: but the truth upon this occasion was, that John had got into one of these pannics we have mentioned, had applied to Nicholas Frog to no purpose, and actually brought over Rousterdivel, to protect him. But the whole neighbourhood laughed at him, when they saw that Lewis Baboon had no more to do than to talk of going over to John, in order to do what he pleased every where else; and John got into one of the greatest passions that ever he was in in his life. All the historians of that time, ring with the amazing noise which he made about that same Cracket-Island. He swaggered and stared, and roared and swore, that John Bull of Bull-hall was abused and cheated by his clerks, his watermen, his overseers, and every soul about him. When he saw Rousterdivel, he called to his people to turn out that fellow; asked, what the devil had brought him to his house; would not give him a bit of victuals, and threatened to go to law with him about a handkerchief: and in short, obliged the poor fellow to go away, very much puzzled to make out what sort of a man this same Mr. Bull must be.
Upon this occasion, John made such a noise, that he wakened Mrs. Bull, and brought her down yawning to the parlour, and rubbing her eyes, after one of those drousy fits, to which she had been lately subject. He had already, to her no small mortification, chaced away two or three of her favourite servants, who used to put her to bed every night, and among the rest his own nurse, who was grown of late a great person in all Mrs. Bull’s junketings and private parties; and indeed, for some time, pretended to manage John himself as she thought proper. To do this nurse justice, there were few people had a better hand at a sack-posset; and though she had no aversion to a glass of liquor in a fair way, yet she never tasted what came through her hands in the way of making cawdle, whey, or panada for the children: we never heard any thing amiss of her, save that she would take the children’s halfpence from them to keep, and therewith make up little sums, which she lent to the servant maids at interest, when they wanted to buy ribbons, or other trinkets. But the love of money may be forgiven in old age, as also that meddling disposition which servants usually acquire when they have been long about a house. The truth is, that nothing could be more ridiculous than to hear this old woman put in her word upon all occasions. There was nothing in which she did not think herself a perfect oracle; she talked to John not only about his markets and his bargains, and all his dealings with his neighbours, about the choice of schools and masters for his children; game-keepers, hunts-men, whippers-in; but, in short, about his drunken quarrels, boxing matches, cudgel play, and quarter staff. She would govern every part of his house for him, and no servant durst go with a message from his master, without first asking her, if she had any commands?
Hubble-bubble, and this nurse, had gone hand in hand for many a day; but alas! the loss of Cracket-Island fell heavy upon them both at last. Bawd, whore and rogue, were the best names they could get from John upon that occasion, and Hubble-bubble got out of his way as fast as he could scour; but the nurse broke a cawdle-cup which she had in her hand, and bid him go find another to make slops for himself and his children.
John was greatly helped into this fine humour by one Jowler, for whom he had a great regard at this time. Most historians agree, that the name of Jowler was only a nick-name, which this fellow had got from the boys at school, on account of some odd conceit of a resemblance between him and a hound of that name in John’s pack. They say, moreover, that most of the boys had the name of some dog or other given them, and that they used to make one of themselves the hare, and so hunt him with a mighty noise, in imitation of John’s pack. As to the dog Jowler, his resemblance to the person we are now speaking of, has procured him a place in the records of history. There we are told, that this dog had a very loud tongue, and that if he could not lead the whole pack, he never failed, at least, to carry off five or six couple, sometimes on a right, sometimes on a wrong scent; that he thereby so often spoilt the sport, that the huntsman was downright crazy with rage, and often threatened to turn Jowler out of the kennel, and sometimes actually tied him up at home; but then he made such a noise, that Mrs. Bull could get no sleep for him in a morning; and the huntsman was as often obliged to leave Mango’s tomb and plaister in the kennel, whilst Jowler was suffered to lead the pack. Then John had excellent sport, and the huntsman no great cause to complain; for Jowler was tractable enough, and a crack of the whip would make him leave the pursuit of the stag, for that of a pole-cat, or a rabbit, and this not absolutely for want of nose, but for fear of being turned down among the babblers again.
Although we account it below the dignity of history, to adopt, or retail nick-names, yet we think ourselves obliged in this case, to retain a name which has come down to us on the great tide of writers, which watt and carry the transactions of that age. To return, therefore, from this digression; Jowler no sooner observed the humour which John was in, than he chimed in directly; he told him that his family had never been so much disgraced before; that the scandalous loss of Cracket-Island was more owing to his overseer, than to the waterman who was sent to look after it; that it was ignominious for John Bull, with a house full of fine young fellows, to need the protection of so sorry a fellow as Rousterdivel; that if he did not look about him, he would soon become the jest of all the neighbourhood, and lose all the ground which he had upon the common, or any where else. To approve of a man’s advice in one thing, and trust him with every thing, were inseparable with John; accordingly, he put all his affairs directly into Jowler’s hands, and for the first fortnight neither Sir Thomas, nor any body else, durst controul him in any thing.