CONTENTS.
| [I.] | |
| MEDICAL HUMBUGS. | |
| ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF “HUMBUG.”—A FIFTH AVENUE HUMBUG.—JOB’S OPINION OF DOCTORS.—EARLY PHYSICIANS.—PRIESTS ASDOCTORS.—WIZARDS COME TO GRIEF.—A “CAPITAL” OPERATION.—A WOMAN CUT INTO TWELVE PIECES.—ANECDOTE.—ROBIN HOOD’S LITTLEJOKE.—TIT FOR TAT. ENGLISH HUMBUGS.—FRENCH DITTO.—A FORTUNE ON DIRTY WATER.—AMERICAN HUMBUGS.—A FIRST CLASS “DODGE.”—AFREE RIDE.—A SHARP INTERROGATOR.—DOCTOR PUSBELLY.—A WICKED STAGE-DRIVER’S STORY.—“OLD PILGARLIC” TAKES A BATH.—LUDICROUSSCENE.—PROFESSOR BREWSTER. | [19] |
| [II.] | |
| APOTHECARIES. | |
| FIRST MENTION OF.—A POOR SPECIMEN.—ELIZABETHAN.—KING JAMES I. [VI.].—ALLSPICE AND ALOES, SUGAR AND TARTAREMETIC.—WAR.—PHYSICIAN VS. APOTHECARY.—IGNORANCE.—STEALING A TRADE.—A LAUGHABLE PRESCRIPTION.—“CASTER ILE.”—MODERNDRUG SWALLOWING.—MISTAKES.—“STEALS THE TOOLS ALSO.”—SUBSTITUTES.—“A QUID.”—A “SMELL” OF PATENT MEDICINES.—“A SAMPLE CLERK.” | [61] |
| [III.] | |
| PATENT MEDICINES. | |
| PATENT MEDICINES.—HOW STARTED.—HOW MADE.—THE WAY IMMENSE FORTUNES ARE REALIZED.—SPALDING’S GLUE.—SOUREDSWILL.—SARSAPARILLA HUMBUGS.—S. P. TOWNSEND.—“A DOWN EAST FARMER’S STORY.”—“WILD CHERRY” EXPOSITIONS.—“CAPTAIN WRAGGE’S PILL” AFAIR SAMPLE OF THE WHOLE.—HOW PILL SALES ARE STARTED.—A SLIP OF THE PEN.—“GRIPE PILLS.”—SHAKSPEARE IMPROVED.—H. W. B. “FRUITSYRUP.”—HAIR TONICS.—A BALD BACHELOR’S EXPERIENCE.—A LUDICROUS STORY.—A WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING. | [78] |
| [IV.] | |
| MANUFACTURED DOCTORS. | |
| A BOSTON BARBER AS M. D.—A BARBER “GONE TO POT.”—FOOLS MADE DOCTORS.—BAKERS.—BARBERS.—“A LUCKYDOG.”—TINKERS.—ROYAL FAVORS.—“LITTLE CARVER DAVY.”—A BUTCHER’S BLOCKHEAD.—A SWEEPING VISIT.—HOP-PED FROMOBSCURITY.—PEDAGOGUES TURN DOCTORS.—ARBUTHNOT.—“A QUAKER.”—“WALKS OFF ON HIS EAR.”—WEAVERS AND BASKET-MAKERS.—A TOUGHPRINCE; REQUIRED THREE M. D.’S TO KILL HIM.—MARAT A HORSE DOCTOR.—A MERRY PARSON.—BLACK MAIL.—POLICE AS A MIDWIFE, ETC., ETC. | [99] |
| [V.] | |
| WOMAN AS PHYSICIAN. | |
| HER “MISSION.”—NO PLACE IN MEDICAL HISTORY.—ONE OF THEM.—MRS. STEPHENS.—“CRAZY SALLY.”—RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.—RUNSIN THE FAMILY.—ANECDOTES.—“WHICH GOT THRASHED?”—A WRETCHED END.—AMERICAN FEMALE PHYSICIANS.—A PIONEER.—A LAUGHABLEANECDOTE.—“THREE WISE MEN.”—“A SHORT HORSE,” ETC.—BOSTON AND NEW YORK FEMALE DOCTORS.—A STORY.—“LOVE AND THOROUGHWORT.”—A GAYBEAU.—UP THE PENOBSCOT.—DYING FOR LOVE.—“IS HE MAD?”—THOROUGHWORT WINS. | [123] |
| [VI.] | |
| QUACKS. | |
| ANECDOTE IN ILLUSTRATION.—DERIVATION.—FATHER OF QUACKS.—A MEDICAL “BONFIRE.”—THE “SAMSON” OF THE PROFESSION.—SIRASTLEY.—U. S. SURVEYOR-GENERAL HAMMOND.—HOMEOPATHIC QUACKS, ETC.—A MUDDLED DEFINITION.—“STOP THIEF!”—CRIPPLED FOR LIFE!—TWOPOUNDS CALOMEL.—VICTIMS.—WASHINGTON, JACKSON, HARRISON.—THE COUNTRY QUACK.—A TRUE AND LUDICROUS ANECDOTE.—DYEING TO DIE!—ASCARED DOCTOR.—DROPSY!—A HASTY WEDDING!—A COUNTRY CONSULTATION.—“SCENES FROM WESTERN PRACTICE.”—“TWIST ROOT.”—AJOLLY TRIO.—NEW “BUST” OF CUPID.—AN UNWILLING LISTENER. | [157] |
| [VII.] | |
| CHARLATANS AND IMPOSTORS. | |
| DEFINITION.—ADVERTISING CHARLATANS.—CITY IMPOSTORS.—FALSE NAMES.—“ADVICE FREE.”—INTIMIDATIONS.—WHOLESALEROBBERY.—VISITING THEIR DENS IN DISGUISE.—PASSING THE CERBERUS.—WINDINGS.—INS AND OUTS.—THE IRISH PORTER.—QUEER “TWINS,”AND A “TRIPLET” DOCTOR.—A HISTORY OF A KNAVE.—BOOT-BLACK AND BOTTLE-WASHER.—PERQUISITES.—PURCHASED DIPLOMAS.—“INSTITUTES.”—WHOLESALESLAUGHTER OF INFANTS.—FEMALE HARPIES.—A BOSTON HARPY.—WHERE OUR “LOST CHILDREN” GO.—END OF A WRETCH. | [180] |
| [VIII.] | |
| ANECDOTES OF PHYSICIANS. | |
| A WANT SUPPLIED.—ORIGINAL ANECDOTES OF ABERNETHY.—A LIVE IRISHMAN.—MADAM ROTHSCHILD.—LARGE FEET.—A SHANGHAIROOSTER.—SPREADING HERSELF.—KEROSENE.—“SALERATUS.”—HIS LAST JOKE.—AN ASTONISHED DARKY.—OLD DR. K.’S MARE.—A SCAREDCUSTOMER.—“WHAT’S TRUMPS?”—“LET GO THEM HALYARDS.”—MEDICAL TITBITS.—MORE MUSTARD THAN MEAT.—“I WANT TO BE ANANGEL.”—TOOTH-DRAWING.—DR. BEECHER VS. DR. HOLMES.—STEALING TIME.—CHOLERA FENCED IN.—“A JOKE THAT’S NOT A JOKE.”—A DRYSHOWER-BATH.—PARBOILING AN OLD LADY. | [200] |
| [IX.] | |
| FORTUNE-TELLERS. | |
| PAST AND PRESENT.—BIBLE ASTROLOGERS AND FORTUNE-TELLERS.—ARABIAN.—EASTERN.—ENGLISH.—QUEEN’SFAVORITE.—LILLY.—A LUCKY GUESS.—THE GREAT LONDON FIRE FORETOLD.—HOW.—OUR “TIDAL WAVE” AND AGASSIZ.—A HALL OFFORTUNE-TELLERS.—PRESENT.—VISIT EN MASSE.—“FILLIKY MILLIKY.”—“CHARGE BAYONETS!”—A FOWL PROCEEDING.—FINDING LOSTPROPERTY.—THE MAGIC MIRROR EXPOSÉ.—“ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE.”—PROCURESSES.—BOSTON MUSEUM.—“A NICE OLD GENTLEMAN.”—MONEYDOES IT.—GREAT SUMS OF MONEY.—“LOVE POWDER” EXPOSÉ.—HASHEESH.—“DOES HE LOVE ME?” | [227] |
| [X.] | |
| EMINENT PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS. | |
| THEIR ORIGIN, BOYHOOD, EARLY STRUGGLES, ETC.—DOCTORS ARE PUBLIC PROPERTY.—DR. MOTT, OF OYSTER BAY.—DR. PARKER.—A“PLOUGH-BOY.”—THE FARMER’S BOY AND THE OLD DOCTOR.—SCENE IN BELLEVUE HOSPITAL.—“LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNFLEDGED ÆSCULAPIAN.”—FIRSTPATIENT.—“NONPLUSSED!”—ALL RIGHT AT LAST.—PROFESSORS EBERLE AND DEWEES.—A HARD START.—“FOOTING IT.”—ABERNETHY’SBOYHOOD.—“OLD SQUEERS.”—SPARE THE BOY AND SPOIL THE ROD.—A DIGRESSION.—SKIRTING A BOG.—AN AGREEABLE TURN.—PROFESSORHOLMES.—A HOMELESS STUDENT. | [253] |
| [XI.] | |
| GHOSTS AND WITCHES. | |
| FOLLY OF BELIEF IN GHOSTS.—WHY GHOSTS ARE ALWAYS WHITE.—A TRUE STORY.—THE GHOST OF THE CAMP.—A GHOSTLY SENTRY-BOX.—AMYSTERY.—THE NAGLES FAMILY.—RAISING THE DEAD.—A LIVELY STAMPEDE.—HOLY WATER.—CÆSAR’S GHOST AT PHILIPPI.—LORD BYRON AND DR.JOHNSON.—GHOST OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.—“JOCKEYING A GHOST.”—THE WOUNDEDBIRD.—A BISHOP SEES A GHOST.—MUSICAL GHOSTS.—A HAUNTED HOUSE.—ABOUT WITCHES.—“WITCHES IN THE CREAM.”—HORSE-SHOES.—WOMANOF ENDOR NOT A WITCH.—WEIGHING FLESH AGAINST THE BIBLE.—THERE ARE NO GHOSTS, OR WITCHES. | [278] |
| [XII.] | |
| MEDICAL SUPERSTITIONS. | |
| OLD AND NEW.—THE SIGN OF JUPITER.—MODERN IDOLATRY.—ORIGIN OF THE DAYS OF THE WEEK.—HOW WE PERPETUATE IDOLATRY.—SINGULARFACT.—CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES.—“OLD NICK.”—RIDICULOUS SUPERSTITIONS.—GOLDEN HERB.—HOUSE CRICKETS.—A STOOL WALKS.—THE BOWINGIMAGES AT RHODE ISLAND.—HOUSE SPIDERS.—THE HOUSE CAT.—SUPERSTITIOUS IDOLATRIES.—WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE.—NAUGHTY BOYS.—ERRORSRESPECTING CATS.—SANITARY QUALITIES.—OWLS.—A SCARED BOY.—HOLY WATER.—UNLUCKY DAYS.—THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.—A KISS. | [307] |
| [XIII.] | |
| TRAVELLING DOCTORS. | |
| PUBLIC CONFIDENCE(?).—THE EYE OF THE PUBLIC.—A BAD SPECIMEN.—“REMARKABLE TUMOR.”—“THE SINGING DOCTOR.”—CAUGHT IN ASTORM.—BIG PUFFING.—A SPLENDID “TURNOUT.”—WHO WAS HE?—A SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCE.—THE “SPANKING DOCTOR.”—A FAIR VICTIM.—LOOSELAWS.—DR. PULSEFEEL.—IMPUDENCE.—A FIDDLING DOCTOR.—AN ENCORE.—“CHEEK.”—VARIOUS WAYS OF ADVERTISING. | [341] |
| [XIV.] | |
| SCENES FROM EVERY-DAY PRACTICE. | |
| THE BEGGAR BOY AND THE GOLDEN-HAIRED HEIRESS.—MY MIDNIGHT CALL.—THE CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN MOTHER.—“OLD SEROSITY.”—THE ILLEGITIMATECHILD.—DEATH OF THE BEAUTIFUL.—WHO IS THE HEIR?—A TOUCHING SCENE.—FATE OF THE “BEGGAR BOY.”—THE TERRIBLE CALLER.—AN IRISH SCENE,FROM DR. DIXON’S BOOK.—BIDDY ON A RAMPAGE.—TERRY ON HIS DEATH BED.—THE STOMACH PUMP.—BIDDY WON’T, AND SHE WILL.—THE BETRAYED AND HERBETRAYER.—“IS THERE A GOD IN ISRAEL?”—THE HUSBANDLESS MOTHER.—THE CRISIS AND COURT.—ANSWER.—THERE IS A “GOD IN ISRAEL.” | [362] |
| [XV.] | |
| DOCTORS’ FEES AND INCOMES. | |
| ANCIENT FEES.—LARGE FEES.—SPANISH PRIEST-DOCTORS.—A PIG ON PENANCE.—SMALL FEES.—A “CHOP” POSTPONED.—LONGFEES.—SHORT FEES.—OLD FEES.—A NIGHT-CAP.—AN OLD SHOE FOR LUCK.—A BLACK FEE.—“HEART’S OFFERING.”—A STUFFED CAT.—THE“GREAT GUNS” OF NEW YORK.—BOSTON.—ROTTEN EGGS.—“CATCH WHAT YOU CAN.”—FEMALE DOCTORS’ FEES.—ABOVE PRICE.—“ASK FOR AFEE.”—“PITCH HIM OVERBOARD.”—DELICATE FEES.—MAKING THE MOST OF THEM. | [386] |
| [XVI.] | |
| GENEROSITY AND MEANNESS. | |
| THE WORLD UNMASKED.—A ROUGH DIAMOND.—DECAYED GENTILITY.—“THREE FLIGHT, BACK.”—SEVERAL ANECDOTES.—THE OLDFOX-HUNTER.—“STAND ON YOUR HEAD.”—KINDNESS TO CLERGYMEN.—RARE CHARITY.—OLD AND HOMELESS.—THE “O’CLO’” JEW.—DR. HUNTER’SGENEROSITY.—“WHAT’S THE PRICE OF BEEF?”—A SAD OMISSION.—INNATE GENEROSITY.—A CURB-STONE MONEY-MANIAC.—AN EYE-OPENER.—ANAVARICIOUS DOCTOR.—ROBBING THE DEAD. | [410] |
| [XVII.] | |
| LOVE AND LOVERS. | |
| XANTIPPE, BEFORE JEALOUSY.—A FIRST LOVE.—BLASTED HOPES.—A DOCTOR’S STORY.—THE FLIGHT FROM “THE HOUNDS OF THE LAW.”—THEEXILE AND RETURN.—DISGUISED AS A PEDDLER.—ESCAPES WITH HIS LOVE.—ENGLISH BEAUS.—YOUNG COQUETTES.—A GAY AND DANGEROUS BEAU.—HANDSOMEBEAUS.—LEAP YEAR.—AN OLD BEAU.—BEAUTY NOT ALL-POTENT.—OFFENDED ROYALTY.—YOUTH AND AGE.—A STABLE BOY.—POET-DOCTOR. | [438] |
| [XVIII.] | |
| MIND AND MATTER. | |
| IN WHICH ANIMAL MAGNETISM, MESMERISM, AND CLAIRVOYANCE ARE EXPLAINED.—“THE IGNORANT MONOPOLY.”—YET ROOM FOR DISCOVERIES.—A “GASSY”SUBJECT.—DRS. CHAPIN AND BEECHER.—HE “CAN’T SEE IT.”—THE ROYAL TOUCH.—GASSNER.—“THE DEVIL KNOWS LATIN.”—ROYALTY IN THESHADE.—THE IRISH PROPHET; HE VISITS LONDON.—A COMICAL CROWD.—MESMERISM.—A FUNNY BED-FELLOW.—CLAIRVOYANCE.—THE GATES OFMOSCOW.—THE DOCTOR OF ANTWERP.—THE OLD LADY IN THE POKE-BONNET.—VISIT TO A CLAIRVOYANT.—“FORETELLING” THE PAST.—THE OLD WOMAN OF THEPENOBSCOT MOUNTAINS.—A SECRET KEPT.—CUI BONO?—VISITS TO SEVENTEEN CLAIRVOYANTS.—A BON-TON CLAIRVOYANT.—A BOUNCER.—RIDICULOSITY. | [461] |
| [XIX.] | |
| ECCENTRICITIES. | |
| A ONE-EYED DOCTOR AND HIS HORSE.—A NEW EDIBLE.—“HAVE THEM BOILED.”—“BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.”—A LOVELY STAMPEDE.—AN ECCENTRICPHILADELPHIAN.—THE POODLES, DRS. HUNTER AND SCIPIO.—SILENT ELOQUENCE.—CONSISTENT TO THE END.—WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE.—FOUR BLINDMEN.—DIET AND SLEEP.—SAXE AND SANCHO PANZA.—MOTHER GOOSE AS A DOCTOR’S BOOK.—THE TABLES TURNED ON THE DOCTORS. | [495] |
| [XX.] | |
| PRESCRIPTIONS REMARKABLE AND RIDICULOUS. | |
| FIG PASTE AND FIG LEAVES.—SOME OF THOSE OLD FELLOWS.—THEY SLIGHTLY DISAGREE.—HOW TO KEEP CLEAN.—BAXTER VS. THE DOCTOR.—A CUREFOR “RHEUMATIZ.”—OLD ENGLISH DOSES.—CURE FOR BLUES.—FOR HYSTERIA.—HEROIC DOSES.—DROWNING A FEVER.—AN EXACT SCIENCE.—SULPHURAND MOLASSES.—A USE FOR POOR IRISH.—MINERAL SPRINGS.—COLD DRINKS VS. WARM.—THE OLD LADY AND THE AIR-PUMP.—SAVED BYHER BUSTLE.—COUNTRY PRESCRIPTIONS AND A FUNNY MISTAKE.—ARE YOU DRUNK OR SOBER? | [517] |
| [XXI.] | |
| SCENES FROM HOSPITAL AND CAMP. | |
| “HE FOUGHT MIT SIEGEL.”—A HOSPITAL SCENE AT NIGHT.—ADMINISTERING ANGELS.—“WATER! WATER!”—THE SOLDIER-BOY’S DYING MESSAGE.—THEWELL-WORN BIBLE.—WARM HEARTS IN FROZEN BODIES.—“PUDDING AND MILK.”—THE POETICAL AND AMUSING SIDE.—“TO AMELIA.”—MY LOVE AND I.—ASCRIPTURAL CONUNDRUM.—MARRYING A REGIMENT. | [538] |
| [XXII.] | |
| GLUTTONS AND WINE-BIBBERS. | |
| GOOD CHEER AND A CHEERFUL HEART.—A MODERN SILENUS.—A SAD WRECK.—DELIRIUM TREMENS.—FATAL ERRORS.—“EATING LIKE AGLUTTON.”—STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS.—A HOT PLACE, EVEN FOR A COOK.—A HUNGRY DOCTOR.—THE MODERN GILPIN.—A CHANGE! A SOW FOR AHORSE!—A DUCK POND.—THE FORLORN WIDOW.—A SCIENTIFIC GORMAND.—ANOTHER.—“DOORN’T GO TO ’IM,” ETC.—DR. BUTLER’S BEER ANDBATH.—CASTS HIS LAST VOTE. | [550] |
| [XXIII.] | |
| THE DOCTOR AS POET, AUTHOR, AND MUSICIAN. | |
| OUR PATRON, OUR PATTERN.—SOME WRITERS.—SOME BLUNDERS.—AN OLD SMOKER.—OLD GREEKS.—A DUKE ANSWERED BY A COUNTRY MISS.—THEPILGRIMS AND THE PEAS.—“LITTLE DAISY.”—“CASA WAPPA!”—FINE POETRY.—MORE SCHOOLMASTERS AND TAILORS.—NAPOLEON’S AND WASHINGTON’SPHYSICIANS.—A FRENCH “BUTCHER.”—A DIF. OF OPINION.—SOME EPITAPHS.—DR. HOLMES’ “ONE-HOSS SHAY.”—HEALTHFUL INFLUENCE OF MUSIC.—SAVEDBY MUSIC.—A GERMAN TOUCH-UP.—MUSIC ON ANIMALS.—“MUSIC AMONG THE MICE.”—MUSIC AND HEALTH. | [571] |
| [XXIV.] | |
| ADULTERATIONS. | |
| BREAD, BUTTER, AND THE BIBLE.—“JACK ASHORE.”—BUCKWHEAT CAKES AREGOOD.—WHAT’S IN THE BREAD, AND HOW TO DETECT IT.—BUTTER.—HOW TO TELL GOOD AND BAD.—MILK.—ANALYSIS OF GOOD AND “SWILL MILK.”—WHAT’SIN THE MILK BESIDES MICE?—THE COW WITH ONE TEAT.—“LOUD” CHEESE.—TEA AND COFFEE.—TANNIN, SAWDUST, AND HORSES’ LIVERS.—ALCOHOLICDRINKS.—CHURCH WINE AND BREAD.—BEER AND BITTER HERBS.—SPANISH FLIES AND STRYCHNINE.—“NINE MEN STANDIN’ AT THE DOOR.”—BURTON’S ALE; ANASTONISHING FACT.—FISHY.—“FISH ON A SPREE.”—TO REMEDY IMPURE WATER.—CHARCOAL AND THE BISHOP.—HOG-ISH.—PORK ANDSCROFULA.—NOTICES OF THE PRESS. | [599] |
| [XXV.] | |
| ALL ABOUT TOBACCO. | |
| “HOW MUCH?”—AMOUNT IN THE WORLD.—“SIAMESE TWINS.”—A MIGHTY ARMY.—ITS NAME AND NATIVITY.—A DONKEY RIDE.—LITTLEBREECHES.—WHIPPING SCHOOL GIRLS AND BOYS TO MAKE THEM SMOKE.—TOM’S LETTER.—“PURE SOCIETY.”—HOW A YOUNG MAN WAS “TOOK IN.”—DELICIOUSMORSELS.—THE STREET NUISANCE.—A SQUIRTER.—ANOTHER.—IT BEGETS LAZINESS.—NATIONAL RUIN.—BLACK EYES.—DISEASE AND INSANITY.—USESOF THE WEED.—GETS RID OF SUPERFLUOUS POPULATION.—TOBACCO WORSE THAN RUM.—THE OLD FARMER’S DOG AND THE WOODCHUCK.—“WHAT KILLED HIM.” | [633] |
| [XXVI.] | |
| DRESS AND ADDRESS OF PHYSICIANS. | |
| GOSSIP IS INTERESTING.—COMPARATIVE SIGNS OF GREATNESS.—THE GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD.—ADDRESS NECESSARY.—“THIS IS ABONE.”—DRESS NOT NECESSARY.—COUNTRY DOCTORS’ DRESS.—HOW THE DEACON SWEARS.—A GOOD MANY SHIRTS.—ONLY WASHED WHEN FOUND DRUNK.—LITTLETOMMY MISTAKEN FOR A GREEN CABBAGE BY THE COW.—AN INSULTED LADY.—DOCTORS’ WIGS.—“AIN’T SHE LOVELY?”—HARVEY AND HIS HABITS.—THEDOCTOR AND THE VALET.—A BIG WIG.—BEN FRANKLIN.—JENNER’S DRESS.—AN ANIMATED WIG; A LAUGHABLE STORY.—A CHARACTER.—“DOSH, DOSH.” | [659] |
| [XXVII.] | |
| MEDICAL FACTS AND STATISTICS. | |
| HOW MANY.—WHO THEY ARE.—HOW THEY DIE.—HOW MUCH RUM THEY CONSUME.—HOW THEY LIVE.—OLD AGE.—WHY WE DIE.—GETMARRIED.—OLD PEOPLE’S WEDDING.—A GOOD ONE.—THE ORIGIN OF THE HONEYMOON.—A SWEET OBLIVION.—HOLD YOUR TONGUE!—MANY MEN, MANYMINDS.—“ALLOPATHY.”—LOTS OF DOCTORS.—THE ITCH MITE.—A HORSE-CAR RIDE.—KEEP COOL!—KNICKKNACKS.—HUMBLE PIE.—INCREASEOF INSANITY.—A COOL STUDENT.—HOW TO GET RID OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW. | [680] |
| [XXVIII.] | |
| BLEEDERS AND BUTCHERS. | |
| BLEEDING IN 1872.—EARLIEST BLOOD-LETTERS.—A ROYAL SURGEON.—A DRAWING JOKE.—THE PRETTY COQUETTE.—TINKERSAS BLEEDERS.—WHOLESALE BUTCHERY.—THE BARBERS OF SOUTH AMERICA.—OUR FOREFATHERS BLEED.—A FRENCH BUTCHER.—CUR?—ABERNETHYOPPOSES BLOOD-LETTING.—THE MISFORTUNES OF A BARBER-SURGEON (THREE SCENES FROM DOUGLASS JERROLD); JOB PIPPINS AND THE WAGONER; JOB AND THE HIGHWAYMEN;JOB NAKED AND JOB DRESSED. | [695] |
| [XXIX.] | |
| THE OMNIUM GATHERUM. | |
| EX-SELL-SIR!—“THE OBJECT TO BE ATTAINED.”—A NOTORIOUS FEMALE DOCTOR.—A WHITE BLACK MAN.—SQUASHY.—MOTHER’S FOOL.—WHOIT WAS.—THE PHILOSOPHER AND HIS DAUGHTER.—EDUCATION AND GIBBERISH.—SCOTTISH HOSPITALITY.—THE OLD LADY WITH AN ANIMAL IN HERSTOMACH.—STORIES ABOUT LITTLE FOLKS.—THE BOY WITH A BULLET IN HIM.—CASE OF SMALL-POX.—NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT.—FUNERAL ANTHEMS. | [709] |
| [XXX.] | |
| THE OTHER SIDE. | |
| PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE.—STEALING FROM THE PROFESSION.—ANECDOTE OF RUFUS CHOATE.—INGRATES.—A NIGHT ROW.—“SAVING ATTHE SPIGOT AND WASTING AT THE BUNG.”—SHOPPING PATIENTS.—AN AFFECTIONATE WIFE.—RUM AND TOBACCO PATIENTS.—THE PHYSICIAN’S WIDOW AND ORPHAN,THE SUMMONS, THE TENEMENT, THE INVALIDS, HOW THEY LIVED, HER HISTORY, THE UNNATURAL FATHER, HOW THEY DIED, THE END.—A PETER-FUNK DOCTOR.—SELLING OUT. | [727] |
| [XXXI.] | |
| “THIS IS FOR YOUR HEALTH.” | |
| THE INESTIMABLE VALUE OF HEALTH.—NO BLESSING IN COMPARISON.—MEN AND SWINE.—BEGIN WITH THE INFANT.—“BABY ON THE PORCH.”—IN ASTRAIT JACKET.—“TWO LITTLE SHOES.”—YOUTH.—IMPURE LITERATURE AND PASSIONS.—“OUR GIRLS.”—BARE ARMS AND BUSTS.—HOW AND WHAT WEBREATHE.—“THE FREEDOM OF THE STREET.”—KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND MOUTH CLOSED.—THE LUNGS AND BREATHING.—A MAN FULL OF HOLES.—SEVEN MILLIONMOUTHS TO FEED.—PURE WATER.—CLEANLINESS. SOAP VS. WRINKLES.—GOD’S SUNSHINE. | [748] |
| [XXXII.] | |
| HEALTH WITHOUT MEDICINE. | |
| CHEERFULNESS.—GOOD ADVICE.—REV. FRANCIS J. COLLIER ON CHRISTIAN CHEERFULNESS.—WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT IT.—WHINING.—LOVE ANDHEALTH.—AFFECTION AND PERFECTION.—SEPARATING THE SHEEP AND GOATS.—THE FENCES UP AND FENCES DOWN.—SIXTEEN AND SIXTY.—ACTION ANDIDLENESS.—IDLENESS AND CRIME.—BEAUTY AND DEVELOPMENT.—SLEEP.—DAY AND NIGHT.—“WHAT SHALL WE EAT?”—A STOMACH-MILL AND ASTEWING-PAN.—“FIVE MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS.”—ANCIENT DIET.—COOKS IN A “STEW.”—THE GREEN-GROCERIES OF THE CLASSICS.—CABBAGESAND ARTICHOKES.—ANIMAL AND VEGETABLE DIET. | [769] |
| [XXXIII.] | |
| CONSUMPTION. | |
| CONSUMPTION A MONSTER!—UNIVERSAL REIGN.—SIGNS OF HIS APPROACH.—WARNINGS.—BAD POSITIONS.—SCHOOL-HOUSES.—ENGLISHTHEORY.—PREVENTIVES.—AIR AND SUNSHINE.—SCROFULA.—A JOLLY FAT GRANDMOTHER.—“WASP WAISTS.”—CHANGE OF CLIMATE.—“TOOLATE!”—WHAT TO AVOID.—HUMBUGS.—COD LIVER OIL.—STRYCHNINE WHISKEY.—A MATTER-OF-FACT PATIENT.—SWALLOWING A PRESCRIPTION.—SITAND LIE STRAIGHT.—FEATHERS OR CURLED HAIR.—A YANKEE DISEASE.—CATARRH AND COLD FEET, HOW TO REMEDY.—“GIVE US SOME SNUFF, DOCTOR.”—OTHERTHINGS TO AVOID.—A TENDER POINT. | [790] |
| [XXXIV.] | |
| ACCIDENTS. | |
| RULES FOR MACHINISTS, MECHANICS, RAILROAD MEN, ETC., IN CASES OF ACCIDENT.—HOW TO FIND AN ARTERY AND STOP THE BLEEDING.—DROWNING; TORESTORE.—SUN-STROKE.—AVOID ICE.—“ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN.”—WHAT TO HAVE IN THE HOUSE.—BRUISES.—BURNS.—DO THE BEST YOUCAN AND TRUST GOD FOR THE REST. | [811] |
ILLUSTRATIONS.
| 1. | A. D. CRABTRE, M. D., | [Frontispiece.] |
| 2. | DR. ANGLICUS PONTO, | [31] |
| 3. | MISFORTUNES NEVER COME SINGLY, | [33] |
| 4. | THE MISER OUTWITS HIMSELF, | [38] |
| 5. | COMMENCING A PRACTICE IN NEW YORK, | [47] |
| 6. | GRACE BEFORE MEAT, | [48] |
| 7. | OLD PILGARLIC TAKES A BATH, | [55] |
| 8. | PROFESSOR BREWSTER, | [55] |
| 9. | AN INFANTRY CHARGE, | [60] |
| 10. | THE “FREE PASS” PRESCRIPTION, | [69] |
| 11. | THE WRONG PATIENT, | [71] |
| 12. | A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY, | [77] |
| 13. | UNDER FULL SAIL, | [77] |
| 14. | “IT’S ALL A HUMBUG,” | [82] |
| 15. | “BAREFOOTED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD,” | [93] |
| 16. | OLD “SANDS OF LIFE,” | [96] |
| 17. | REFRESHMENTS, | [98] |
| 18. | THE EYE DOCTOR, | [103] |
| 19. | THE YOUNG SURGEON’S FIRST EXPERIENCE, | [105] |
| 20. | HEALING THE SICK WITH A GOLDEN DOSE, | [111] |
| 21. | THE PARSON BUYING OFF THE “CONGREGATION,” | [120] |
| 22. | A JUVENILE BACCHUS, | [122] |
| 23. | “DON’T YOU OBSERVE THE ARMS OF MRS. MAPP?” | [128] |
| 24. | THREE WISE STUDENTS CONSULTING A DOCTRESS, | [134] |
| 25. | “POH! YOU’RE A GIRL,” | [141] |
| 26. | “HERE WE GO UP-UP-UPPY,” | [148] |
| 27. | “LOVE AMONG THE ROSES,” | [156] |
| 28. | THE INQUISITIVE COUNTRYMEN, | [161] |
| 29. | CURIOUS EFFECTS OF A FEVER, | [171] |
| 30. | MARRYING A FAMILY, | [173] |
| 31. | ’OPATHISTS IN CONSULTATION, | [175] |
| 32. | A “HYPO” PATIENT DISCHARGING HIS PHYSICIAN, | [178] |
| 33. | TOO MUCH HAT, | [179] |
| 34. | CONVINCING EVIDENCE OF INSOLVENCY, | [181] |
| 35. | “AN’ WHO’LL YEZE LIKE TO SEE, SURE?” | [183] |
| 36. | A BOSTON QUACK EXAMINING A STUDENT, | [189] |
| 37. | ORNAMENTAL TAIL-PIECE, | [199] |
| 38. | DR. ABERNETHY IN THE HOSPITAL, | [202] |
| 39. | AN EXTENSIVE SET, | [205] |
| 40. | “O, DOCTHER, DEAR, I’VE PIZENED ME BOY,” | [207] |
| 41. | “LOST MARSER! LOST MARSER!” | [209] |
| 42. | NOT A STOMACH PUMP, | [213] |
| 43. | “LOWER TIER, LARBOARD SIDE,” | [217] |
| 44. | THE FARMER’S ESCAPE FROM THE CHOLERA, | [223] |
| 45. | TOO MUCH VAPOR, | [224] |
| 46. | A DRY SHOWER BATH, | [225] |
| 47. | GRAPES AND WINE, | [226] |
| 48. | CHARGE, INFANTRY! | [239] |
| 49. | AFTER THE BATTLE, | [240] |
| 50. | THE FORTUNE-TELLER’S MAGIC MIRROR, | [244] |
| 51. | CHILDREN CONSULTING A FORTUNE-TELLER, | [251] |
| 52. | THE HUNTRESS, | [252] |
| 53. | THE ONONDAGA FARMER BOY, | [256] |
| 54. | THE POLITE QUADRUPED, | [265] |
| 55. | YOUNG ABERNETHY, | [266] |
| 56. | “PINNY, SIR? JUST ONE PINNY,” | [274] |
| 57. | THE PENNILESS PHYSICIAN, | [276] |
| 58. | THE INDIAN WARRIOR, | [277] |
| 59. | BELIEVERS IN GHOSTS, | [278] |
| 60. | “HARK! THERE’S A FEARFUL GUST!” | [280] |
| 61. | A GRAVE SENTRY, | [282] |
| 62. | A GHOST IN CAMP, | [285] |
| 63. | OLD NAGLES, | [286] |
| 64. | THE NAGLES BOYS, | [287] |
| 65. | CHIEF MOURNERS, | [288] |
| 66. | THE CORPSE THAT WOULD NOT SMOKE, | [290] |
| 67. | PREPARE TO DIE, | [293] |
| 68. | THE BISHOP’S GHOSTLY VISITOR, | [295] |
| 69. | THE MUSICAL PUSS, | [301] |
| 70. | A DARKEY BEWITCHED, | [301] |
| 71. | BOYLSTON STATION, | [303] |
| 72. | WEIGHING A WITCH BY BIBLE STANDARD, | [305] |
| 73. | PASSING THE FORT, | [306] |
| 74. | THE GOD OF RECIPES, | [308] |
| 75. | SUN-SUNDAY, | [310] |
| 76. | MOON-MONDAY, | [313] |
| 77. | TUISCO-TUESDAY, | [313] |
| 78. | WODEN-WEDNESDAY, | [314] |
| 79. | THOR-THURSDAY, | [315] |
| 80. | FRIGA-FRIDAY, | [315] |
| 81. | SEATER-SATURDAY, | [316] |
| 82. | GATHERING THE MANDRAKE, | [321] |
| 83. | “WAITING TO SEE THE IMAGES BOW,” | [323] |
| 84. | SPORT FOR THE BOYS BUT DEATH TO THE CAT, | [329] |
| 85. | “WHO-A’-YOO?” | [333] |
| 86. | THE PROPER USE OF “HOLY WATER,” | [334] |
| 87. | THE MODEST KISS, | [339] |
| 88. | HOLDING THE PLOW, | [340] |
| 89. | THE TUMOR DOCTOR CONTEMPLATES SUICIDE, | [343] |
| 90. | MARIAM, THE TUMOR DOCTOR, | [345] |
| 91. | THE SINGING DOCTOR, | [349] |
| 92. | THE SANATORIAN’S TURNOUT, | [351] |
| 93. | A NEW SCHOOL OF PRACTICE, | [354] |
| 94. | A VICTIM OF THE SPANKER, | [355] |
| 95. | DR. PULSFEEL LEAVING TOWN, | [356] |
| 96. | THE MUSICAL DOCTOR, | [358] |
| 97. | ENTHUSIASM, | [359] |
| 98. | ALL WOOL, | [361] |
| 99. | CHARITY THROWN AWAY, | [363] |
| 100. | THE BEGGAR BOY, | [366] |
| 101. | REMORSE, | [368] |
| 102. | THE LOST HEIR, | [373] |
| 103. | A MORNING CALLER, | [375] |
| 104. | “WHY DID I TAZE YE?” | [376] |
| 105. | SUCCESS OF TERRY’S COURTSHIP, | [379] |
| 106. | THE BETRAYED, | [382] |
| 107. | SAILING INTO PORT, | [385] |
| 108. | A SAN BENITO PIG, | [388] |
| 109. | AN OLD ENGLISH CLERGYMAN AND HIS FAMILY, | [390] |
| 110. | THE KING’S PHYSICIAN AND THE EXECUTIONER, | [393] |
| 111. | A SLIPPER-Y FEE, | [397] |
| 112. | A LIVING FEE, | [399] |
| 113. | STUFFED PETS, | [400] |
| 114. | A PIONEER OF HOMŒOPATHY, | [403] |
| 115. | A SHARP MULE TRADE, | [405] |
| 116. | ORNAMENTAL TAIL-PIECE, | [409] |
| 117. | PHYSICIAN’S CHARITY, | [411] |
| 118. | SEARCH FOR A PATIENT, | [412] |
| 119. | AN ECCENTRIC PATIENT, | [417] |
| 120. | A WOMAN’S REBUKE, | [417] |
| 121. | AFRAID OF A POLYPUS, | [418] |
| 122. | ABERNETHY’S SURGICAL OPERATION, | [420] |
| 123. | RECKONING A DOCTOR’S FEES, | [424] |
| 124. | PATIENT NUMBER FIVE, | [425] |
| 125. | THE ASTONISHED BUTCHER, | [427] |
| 126. | MODERN IMPROVEMENTS IN DENTISTRY, | [431] |
| 127. | CHARITY NOT SOLICITED, | [431] |
| 128. | CAPTURE OF A WALL STREET BULL, | [433] |
| 129. | DEATH’S FEE, | [436] |
| 130. | THE AMERICAN SAILOR, | [437] |
| 131. | MY FIRST LOVE, | [439] |
| 132. | TEN YEARS LATER, | [441] |
| 133. | FLIGHT OF THE DOCTOR, | [443] |
| 134. | THE LOVER AS A PEDDLER, | [447] |
| 135. | FLIGHT OF THE LOVERS, | [447] |
| 136. | AN AGED PUPIL, | [453] |
| 137. | BIRTHPLACE OF GEORGE CRABBE, | [457] |
| 138. | “POPPING THE QUESTION,” | [460] |
| 139. | LOVE’S LINKS, | [460] |
| 140. | THE LION MAGNETIZED, | [466] |
| 141. | A HARD SUBJECT, | [467] |
| 142. | GASSNER HEALING “BY THE GRACE OF GOD,” | [471] |
| 143. | NO LACK OF PATIENTS, | [475] |
| 144. | “A BOTTLE, A HEN, OR A WOMAN,” | [477] |
| 145. | EFFECTS OF AN EARTHQUAKE, | [483] |
| 146. | A BELIEVER SEES HIS GRANDMOTHER, | [483] |
| 147. | THE CHARMER DIVULGES HER SECRET, | [488] |
| 148. | “I PERCEIVE YOU ARE IN LOVE,” | [492] |
| 149. | THE FARMER’S DAUGHTERS, | [494] |
| 150. | A “HORSE-SLAYER” INDULGING HIS OPINION, | [499] |
| 151. | NO TIME TO LOSE, | [500] |
| 152. | BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, | [503] |
| 153. | DR. HUNTER IN CONSULTATION, | [504] |
| 154. | THE RUSSIAN GENERAL’S DRILL, | [506] |
| 155. | WHAT THE ELEPHANT IS LIKE, | [511] |
| 156. | A DOCTOR’S SOLACE, | [511] |
| 157. | HOW A LADY PROCURED A VALUABLE PRESCRIPTION, | [525] |
| 158. | DOSE—ONE QUART EVERY HOUR, | [526] |
| 159. | PUMPING AN OLD LADY, | [537] |
| 160. | A DANGEROUS PRESCRIPTION, | [537] |
| 161. | THE FARMER’S EMBLEMS, | [537] |
| 162. | THE DYING MESSAGE, | [541] |
| 163. | STUCK! | [547] |
| 164. | COMMERCE, | [549] |
| 165. | A GOOD LIVER, | [551] |
| 166. | A DOCTOR “KILLING THE DEVILS,” | [555] |
| 167. | PAYING FOR HIS WINE, | [555] |
| 168. | A BAR-ROOM DOCTOR, | [555] |
| 169. | “THE DOCTOR ON A SOW!” | [565] |
| 170. | RESCUE OF THE DOCTOR, | [565] |
| 171. | “ONLY IRISH BEER,” | [568] |
| 172. | CURE FOR THE AGUE, | [569] |
| 173. | PLAYING THE REEDS, | [570] |
| 174. | AN EMBRYO APOLLO, | [572] |
| 175. | THE PILGRIM CHEAT, | [577] |
| 176. | FRANKLIN’S EXPERIMENTS WITH ETHER, | [585] |
| 177. | END OF THE WONDERFUL ONE-HOSS SHAY, | [591] |
| 178. | “MUSIC, THE SOUL OF LIFE,” | [597] |
| 179. | THE MUSICAL MICE, | [597] |
| 180. | FOUNTAIN, | [598] |
| 181. | SIGNS OF CIVILIZATION, | [603] |
| 182. | SWILL MILK (MAGNIFIED), | [605] |
| 183. | PURE MILK (MAGNIFIED), | [606] |
| 184. | WATERED MILK (MAGNIFIED), | [606] |
| 185. | “WHAT’S IN THE MILK?” | [606] |
| 186. | A CHAMPAGNE BATH, | [611] |
| 187. | MOTHER’S MILK—PURE AND HEALTHY, | [612] |
| 188. | MOTHER’S MILK AFTER DRINKING WHISKY, | [612] |
| 189. | WAITING FOR ASSISTANCE, | [617] |
| 190. | A CONFECTIONERY STORE, | [619] |
| 191. | TARTARIC ACID FOR SUPPER, | [629] |
| 192. | A STREET CANDY STAND, | [629] |
| 193. | THE NEWSBOY’S MOTHER, | [630] |
| 194. | THE IDOL OF TOBACCO USERS, | [634] |
| 195. | PUNISHMENT OF THE TURK, | [638] |
| 196. | SMOKERS OF FOUR GENERATIONS, | [639] |
| 197. | “I WANT A CHAW OF TERBACKER,” | [641] |
| 198. | YOUNG SMOKERS, | [642] |
| 199. | EXAMINATION OF THE SMOKER, | [643] |
| 200. | PURIFYING HIS BLOOD, | [644] |
| 201. | CLEANSING HIS BONES, | [645] |
| 202. | THE SMOKER, | [647] |
| 203. | THE CHEWER, | [648] |
| 204. | SIGN OF THE TIMES, | [648] |
| 205. | MY LAZY SMOKING FRIEND, | [650] |
| 206. | “SHALL I ASSIST YOU TO ALIGHT?” | [653] |
| 207. | WORK FOR TONGUES AND FINGERS, | [653] |
| 208. | WHAT KILLED THE DOG? | [657] |
| 209. | THE NEWSBOY, | [658] |
| 210. | THE GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD, | [661] |
| 211. | A CALL ON THE VILLAGE DOCTOR, | [663] |
| 212. | PHYSICIANS’ COSTUME IN 1790, | [664] |
| 213. | HOW POOR TOMMY WAS LOST, | [666] |
| 214. | BRIDGET’S METHOD OF MENDING STOCKINGS, | [667] |
| 215. | THE UNDERTAKERS’ ARMS, | [671] |
| 216. | DISPUTE OF THE DOCTOR AND VALET, | [671] |
| 217. | A WIG MOUSE, | [674] |
| 218. | THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED, | [675] |
| 219. | MEETING OF THE DOCTOR AND THE CURATE, | [679] |
| 220. | DOCTOR CANDEE, | [679] |
| 221. | A GERMAN BEER GIRL, | [681] |
| 222. | AN INDIGNANT BRIDE, | [686] |
| 223. | THE ITCH MITE, | [689] |
| 224. | THE BURGLAR AND STUDENT, | [693] |
| 225. | HARVESTED, | [694] |
| 226. | ASSISTANCE FROM A ROYAL SURGEON, | [696] |
| 227. | PETER THE GREAT AS A SURGEON, | [697] |
| 228. | JOB DISCHARGED BY SIR SCIPIO, | [703] |
| 229. | “BLEED HIM,” | [704] |
| 230. | A BORROWED WATCH, | [706] |
| 231. | JOB’S DECISION, | [708] |
| 232. | SQUASHY’S SURGICAL OPERATION, | [715] |
| 233. | “WILL YE TAK’ A BLAST, NOO?” | [720] |
| 234. | REPTILES FROM THE STOMACH, | [722] |
| 235. | “IT ISN’T CATCHIN’,” | [724] |
| 236. | FUNERAL OF THE CANARY, | [725] |
| 237. | MY FRONT STREET PATIENT, | [731] |
| 238. | A SHOPPING PATIENT, | [733] |
| 239. | CALL AT THE TENEMENT, | [737] |
| 240. | THE WIDOW’S OCCUPATION, | [739] |
| 241. | THE PHYSICIAN AND THE FATHER, | [742] |
| 242. | THE PETER FUNK PHYSICIAN, | [745] |
| 243. | VIRTUE, | [747] |
| 244. | THE FREEDOM OF THE PARK, | [761] |
| 245. | “IT COSTS NOTHING,” | [766] |
| 246. | A NATURAL POSITION, | [792] |
| 247. | AN UNNATURAL POSITION, | [792] |
| 248. | CORRECT POSITION, | [796] |
| 249. | INCORRECT POSITION, | [796] |
| 250. | HOW WASP WAISTS ARE MADE, | [799] |
| 251. | A CONSUMPTIVE WAIST, | [800] |
| 252. | NON-CONSUMPTIVE WAIST, | [800] |
| 253. | A HEALTHY POSITION, | [804] |
| 254. | POSITION OF ARTERY IN ARM, | [811] |
| 255. | COMPRESSING AN ARTERY IN ARM, | [812] |
| 256. | POSITION OF ARTERY IN LEG, | [812] |
| 257. | THE DOCTOR’S QUEUE, | [816] |