“I am surprised! I am angry! How dare you think of such a thing? No, never! I tell you, never!” Just then the other half came in, but he was cold and rather mild and his better half remained on deck. In a word she told him what I wanted but gave him no chance to talk. “No,” she continued, “I tell you once for all. She shall never see you again. Before I would let her marry an Eurasian I would shoot her.” “And I would bury her,” said the other half.
As I did not want any shooting or burying, just then, I thought it best to retreat, and having said, “I am very sorry,” departed.
It was sometime before I could realize what had happened. I have read of the experience of people who had been nearly paralyzed by the shock of an earthquake. They say it is impossible for the mind or words to convey any idea of the intensely awful abject feeling that took possession of them. It seemed to me that I had been through, or into or out of, something of that kind. I do not remember whether I walked, or crept or ran, but I left that scene of failure, anger and despair as soon as I could, and who wouldn’t? My wits had all left me, like sunshine friends. “When a man’s wits are gone, the heavens should open and take him away,” but no heavens opened for me, and I was left to make the best of the situation. When I thought of the young lady, of my love for her, I could have been knocked down by a feather, or anything, for her sake, but when I thought of that unattainable mother-in-law, and her cruel mean fling at me, and of that cold-blooded masculine, offering his services as sexton at the funeral of his daughter, I felt like swearing, and I will not say that I did not use some good robust Saxon expletives, for really, the occasion demanded it.
I think the Episcopal Bishop had a good idea when, in a convocation, he became indignant over some wrong: “Mr. President, I think it is the duty of this right reverend house to set forth a form of sound words to be used by a man under strong provocation.”
In principle I am opposed to swearing, and then only in good, choice language. I never take the name of God in vain, as that is a sin against Him, and a crime against my better nature, and I detest the use of gad, begad, ’swounds, ’sblood, ’sdeath, so many snobbish “Christian gentlemen” are guilty of.
Darwin looks upon swearing as one of the most curious expressions which occur in man; he considers that it reveals his animal descent, and looks upon it as the survival of the habit in animals of uncovering the canine teeth before fighting. I will not dispute this, but confess frankly that I felt like uncovering my canine teeth, as no simple words could do the subject justice. Neither anger or whimpering would accomplish anything for her or me. I hardly knew what I did or did not do, for several days. I could not attack the citadel, as I had no band of knights to aid me, and had to subdue and smother my love and grief as well as my anger allowed me. After several days, I received a letter clandestinely dispatched by some bribed servant. She told of her love for me, that her mother and father were furious, that her mother was to leave at once with her for Bombay and England. She had begged them to let her see me just once, but they declared it impossible, that they would bind her with ropes, or lock her in a room, if she dared to think of such a thing. “And all because you are an Eurasian! How could you help that?” she added. Certainly? How could I help that?
She further wrote that she was going by the morning train, and wished me to come, not to the railway station, where they would be watching, but to stand on a hillock, near the track, where she could see me once more. I was there. As the train passed she cried out to me, “You have all my heart and love,” and she was gone. I was left in an agony of sorrow and despair. How could I help being an Eurasian? Who made me an Eurasian? How often have I repeated these questions? I often felt like cursing him. It is said that Noah, the Patriarch, good enough to be specially saved, cursed his son for his lack of parental respect, and Ham turned black. My father, for Mr. Percy told me that I must have had one, did the same for me and without any provocation on my part.
There was an interval of several weeks, just here in my life, that has always been a blank to me. I must have been very ill.
My course finished, I received one of the best certificates of my proficiency, and was soon homeward bound again. I was then anxious for employment where I could use the knowledge I had acquired. I was ambitious to go to the capital city to begin at the top. I wrote to the Government of Bengal asking for a position and received the answer—“His Honor directs me to acknowledge the receipt of your letter, and to state that he does not deem it advisable to bring outsiders into this province.”
This seemed to me very unjust, as his Honor himself was an outsider, but he probably had in mind the saying, “Present company always excepted.” Besides the babus were everywhere employed from Calcutta to Peshawar. Have the rest of the people no rights? Are the babus so loyal or superior to all others that they should be made the special pets of government? I have often wondered why the rest of the people of India submit to this injustice. There may come a time when the government will wish it had friends in the place of these impudent Bengalis, and the babus themselves will think Hades has burst wide open.