And cried, God save me if there’s any God
But even so, God saved me; and being dashed
From error on to error, every turn
Still brought me nearer to the central truth.”
“I am not trying to explain anything, but simply stating the truth as to my condition. Some good Christians might say that I had become a hardened sinner and God had withdrawn the light of His countenance from me. This would be false, for I had committed no sin of which I was conscious, that would cause such a terrible transition. All through my life I had considered atheism an impossibility and looked upon any one who professed to be an atheist with horror, and if any one had suggested the day before that I would fall into this state I would have been shocked. I yield to no living being in honesty of purpose. It was my interest to be right and do right and to know why I was so changed in a few moments and by a dream. I had no thought or desire to be without God. Why should I, when all my life I had loved and tried to serve Him? It was a wonderful strange feeling, as if I had just been born into a new life, for not only my mind but my body seemed to have been transformed.
“Weeks and months passed while I engaged in business with the greatest peace and tranquility. Yet the thought was always present: ‘There must be inevitably an Infinite Creator, God.’ My reason told me this and that I ought to pray to Him. This belief gradually increased until one day, like a sudden light, my faith in God returned, filling my whole being with joy and peace that has never left me. He is now my life, my all. Nothing gives me so much peace and happiness as prayer when I can talk with God, to my Father who knows me infinitely better than I know myself. But I never got back my old faith in the Bible nor in the divinity of Jesus.
“I have a great respect for the Bible as a wonderful book, and a love and regard for Jesus as a great man and teacher. Yet I cannot but believe that the deification of Jesus was the most appalling blunder of all time. I do not wish to offend you, but truly, when I go to church and hear Jesus addressed as God I feel shocked more so than when I see a heathen worshiping a stone image as a god. My reason, my heart, and all my feelings rebel against putting anything in the place of the Infinite God. I am as honest in this as it is possible for a human being to be in anything, and if it is possible for any one to have a witness within himself that he is right, I have that. I go direct to God. He can hear me as easily as He can hear any one else, and I believe and know that He is always ready to listen unto me when I come. I want no mediator, nothing of any kind to stand between me and God. I know that if my father were living and I should send any one to intercede for me he would feel hurt and ask, ‘Am I such a father that my own son cannot come to me instead of sending some one else?’ Why should we make out God to be such an unnatural Father that He will not admit His own children to His presence without being paid for it or through some one else as an intercessor? ‘All’s love yet all’s law, in the star, in the stone, in the flesh, in the soul and in the clod.’
“As to original sin and an atonement to satisfy a broken law, these to me are mythological stories begotten from men’s fertile imagination. The best atonement is a repentant heart, a contrite spirit and a pure life. ‘As a father pitieth his children so does the Lord love them that fear Him. Who shall ascend unto the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in His holy place? He that hath clean hands and a pure heart. For thy name’s sake, O Lord, pardon my iniquity for it is great. What man is he that feareth the Lord? Him shall He teach in the way that He shall show, his soul shall dwell at ease. The secret of the Lord is with them that fear Him and He will show them His covenant. The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous and His ears are open unto their cry. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart and saveth such as are of a contrite spirit.’
“There is scarcely a Psalm that has not a passage showing that God is willing to forgive and receive all those who come to Him direct and in the right spirit. Why mystify and muddle a thing that is so plain that any one can easily understand? I cannot conceive how a holy God, and more, a God of infinite mercy, could be willing to accept, much less take delight in, any worship or sacrifice that would cause suffering to even the most insignificant animal. No one can think of vivisection, though for philanthropic purposes, without a sense of pain. I cannot see the slaughter of an animal or bird, even when they are for food, without a feeling of pity. How then can I, though a weak mortal, yet having such feelings, bow down and worship a God who is declared to take pleasure in the destruction of life and offerings of blood! May God forgive me if I am wrong, but I cannot help thinking and feeling as I do. I would rather believe that all mankind are in error than to hold such an idea of the God I love and worship.
“Vicarious atonement is contrary to all the principles of justice. The sufferings of innocent victims to appease the wrath of an angry God is repugnant to the noblest instincts of the human race and a degrading superstition of which only the lowest heathen should be guilty. Moral justice can never be satisfied by the death or punishment of the innocent for the guilty. Nowhere on earth is one allowed to suffer in place of another. To buy off justice is bribery and to accept a bribe is a crime. How then can people attribute to a just God what is considered by universal mankind an act of infamy?