We parted in anger, and I passed an entire day without seeing her. The next night, toward midnight, I was seized by a feeling of melancholy that I could not resist. I shed a torrent of tears; I overwhelmed myself with reproaches that I richly deserved. I told myself that I was nothing but a fool, and a cowardly fool at that, to make the noblest, the best of creatures, suffer in this way. I ran to her to throw myself at her feet.
Entering the garden, I saw that her room was lighted and a flash of suspicion crossed my mind. "She does not expect me at this hour," I said to myself; "who knows what she may be doing. I left her in tears yesterday; I may find her ready to sing to-day and caring no more for me than if I never existed. I must enter gently in order to surprise her."
I advanced on tiptoe, and the door being open, I could see Brigitte without being seen.
She was seated at her table and was writing in that same book that had aroused my suspicions. She held in her left hand, a little box of white wood which she looked at from time to time and trembled. There was something sinister in the quiet that reigned in the room. Her secretary was open and several bundles of papers were carefully ranged in order.
I made some noise at the door. She rose, went to the secretary, closed it, then came to me with a smile:
"Octave," she said, "we are two children. If you had not come here, I would have gone to you. Pardon me, I was wrong. Madame Daniel comes to dinner to-morrow; make me repent, if you choose, of what you call my despotism. If you but love me I am happy; let us forget what is past and let us not spoil our happiness."
CHAPTER III
OUR quarrel had been less sad than our reconciliation; it was attended, on Brigitte's part, by a mystery which frightened me at first and then planted in my soul the seeds of constant dread.
There developed in me, in spite of my struggles, the two elements of misfortune which the past had bequeathed me: at times, furious jealousy attended by reproaches and insults; at other times, a cruel gaiety, an affected cheerfulness that mockingly outraged whatever I held most dear. Thus, the inexorable specters of the past pursued me without respite; thus, Brigitte seeing herself treated alternately, as a faithless mistress and a shameless woman, fell into a condition of melancholy that clouded our entire life; and worst of all, that sadness even, the cause of which I knew, was not the most burdensome of our sorrows. I was young and I loved pleasure; that daily association with a woman older than I who suffered and languished, that face more and more serious, which was always before me, all that repelled my youth and aroused within me bitter regrets for the liberty I had lost.
When we were passing through the forest by the beautiful light of the moon, we both experienced a profound melancholy. Brigitte looked at me in pity. We sat down on a rock near a wild gorge; we passed two entire hours there; her half-veiled eyes plunged into my soul athwart the glance from mine, then wandered to nature, to the heavens and the valley.