“'Loidies an' gents,' I'd say, 'I'm d' only orig'nal Coal Oil Johnny. An' I'm a soon mug at that, see! I don't get d' woist of it; not on your neckties. I gives away two hundred an' I takes in four hundred toadskins (dollars) an' I don't let no mob of hayseeds do me, so youse farmers needn't try.
“'Look at me! Cast your lamps over me! I'm one of Cetewayo's Zulu body-guard, an' I'm here from Africa on a furlough to saw off on suckers a lot of bum jewellery, an' down youse for your dough, see! I'm goin' to offer for sale four t'ings: I'm goin' to sell youse foist ten rings, then ten brooches, then ten chains, and then ten watches. An' when I gets down to d' watches, watch me dost; because, when I gets nex' to d' tickers I've reached d' point where I'm goin' to t'run youse down. I'm here to skin youse out of your money, an' leave youse lookin' like d' last run of shad.
“'But there's this pecoolarity about me sellin 'd' rings. Each ring is a dollar apiece, an' when I've shoved ten of 'em onto youse, every galoot who's paid me a dollar for one, gets his dollar back an' a dollar wit' it for luck.
“'Now here's d' rings, good folks an' all!'—here I*d flash d' rings; gilt, an' wort' t'ree dollars a ton!—'here's d' little crinklets! Who's goin' to take one at a dollar, an' at d' finish, when d' ten is sold, get two dollars back? Who'll be d' foist? Now don't rush me! don't crush me! but come one at a time. D' rings ain't wort' a dollar a ton: I only makes d' play for fun, an' because d' doctors who looks after me healt' says I'll croak if I don't travel. Who'll be d' early boid to nip a ring?
“'There you be!' I goes on, as some rustic gets to d' front an' hands up d' bill. 'Sold ag'in an' got d' tin, another farmer just sucked in!'
“So I goes, on,” continued Chucky, after reviving his voice—which his exertions had made a trifle raucous—with a swig at the tankard; “so I'd go on until d' ten rings would be sold. Then I'd go over d' outfit ag'in, take back d' rings, an' give 'em each a two-dollar willyum.”
Now push back into d' mob, you lucky guys,' I'd say, 'an' give your maddened competitors to d' rear of youse a chanct to woik d' racket. I'm goin' to sell ten brooches now for two dollars each, an' give back four dollars wit' every brooch. Then I'm goin' to dazzle youse wit' ten chains, at five cases per chain. An' then I'll get down to d' watches, at which crisis, me guileless come-ons, youse must be sure to watch me, for it's then I'll make a monkey of youse.'
“An' so I chins on, offerin' d' brooches at two dollars a t'row, an' at d' wind-up, when d' ten is gone, I gives back to each mucker who's got in, d' sum of four plunks, see!
“Be that time it's a knock-down an' drag-out around me cabrioley, to see who's goin' to transact business wit' me, an', wit'out as much cacklin' as a hen makes over an egg, I goes to d' chains an' floats ten of 'em at five a chain. As I sells d' last, I toins sharp on some duck who's dost be me w'eel an' says:
“'What's that? I'm a crook, am I! an' this ain't on d' level! Loidies an' gents, just for d' disparagin' remark of this hobo, who is no doubt funny in his topknot from drink, I'll go on an' sell ten more chains. After which I'll come down to d' watches, which is d' great commercial point where youse had better watch me, for it's there I'm goin' to lose you in a lope! An' that's for fair, see!'