I rose and drew her to me. "But, Mary, I no longer wish to lead the tribes."
She could not understand me, as indeed I could not wholly understand myself. She looked at me gravely and long, and she tried to find the truth in me,—the truth that was out of sight; the truth about myself that even I did not know.
"Was the commandant right?" she queried. "Is it anxiety about me that has changed your plans?"
I could only shake my head at her. "I am not sure." Then I sat beside her and tried to explain. "Simon is dead, Pierre died saving me. Leclerc and Labarthe died under torture. I sacrificed them to enforce a belief. And now the belief is a phantom. It is very strange. Mary, we have traveled by different roads, but we have reached the same goal. My ambition for conquest is put away."
She drew a long breath, and I saw splendid understanding of me in the look she gave. Yet she was unconvinced.
"Perhaps this feeling may pass," she argued. "It may be temporary.
Then you will regret your lost hold with the tribes."
I smiled at her. "I love you," I murmured. "I love you. I love you. I am tired of talk of blood and war. Mary, you accepted me as I was, accept me, if you can, as I am now. I cannot analyze myself. I cannot promise what I will believe as time goes on. But this I know. I was born with a sword in my hand, but now I cannot use it—for aggression. I do not mean that I think it is wrong. I do not know what I believe. Time will tell."
The strange light that made her seem all spirit flamed in the glance that thanked me.
"Yet think well," she cautioned. "I—I am proud of you." Her voice sank to a whisper. "Sometimes even my love seems swallowed in my pride in you. I live on my pride in your power. Think of your unfinished work. No, no, you must go on."
I took her by the shoulders. "You strange, double woman!" I cried, with my voice unsteady. "You command me to do something, the while you are trembling from head to foot for fear I will obey. Will you always play the martyr to your spirit? Mary, I shall not lead the tribes."