My father said: “Yes, I do. When a fellers politicle faith makes him burgle, and garote, and bigam, and larcen, and shoot, and go to the theater with a other mans wife I say shut him up in a dark, unwholesome cell and give him fits three times a day with a black snake whip. If I was that warden and any news paper man come around pokin his nose in to none of his business Ide take him by the scruf of his pants and the seat of his neck and chuck him into the bay. I respeck the preachin trade much as any body, Mister Pitchel, but I bedam if I wouldent!”
Then Uncle Ned he said: “Robert, your eminent services in reformin the geography of this state entitle you to a respectable hearin, even when you dont swear, and I should like to have your views on penology more at length.”
My father he said: “What is penology?” and Uncle Ned said it was the sience of punishment. Then my father he said: “My views on penology is to lickum.”
Mister Pitchel he said: “Then you blieve in the eficacy of phisical torture?”
My father he said: “I blieve it hurts, and that is all I want to know about it. But come to think, I guess it does a heap of good too. When Billy and Johnny gets it, and they dont have to ask me twice for it, it isnt necessary for me to waste any time after ward a pointin out the wickedness of dizzy bedience and expoundin the beauty of a godly life. They seem to get on to all that their own selfs, and to remain in a proper state of mind for quite a little wile. What is good enough for my boys is good enoughf for stealers, and cheaters, and assassinaters, and fellers which buy ice cream for other fellers wifes, like I said be fore. My further views on penology is that when a gum dasted galoot is sent to prison I dont care a ding what is the nature of his xperence there, nor whether at the end of his term he comes 4th alive or not. If he didnt like the way the house is conducted he neednt have gone into it. The warden isnt a standin outside the front door invitin any body in for to share the ospices of the place. The sons of guns invites their selfs!”
When my father had got done he looked all round for some thing to kick, but Bildad, thats the new dog, he knew what was up and snook under the sofa, and Mose, which is the cat, he fled afar.
But the Bible it says dont let your angry passions rise up and call you blest. And thats why I say man is of few days and full of woman.
SOLJERS
SOLJERS isent animals, but they can lick the hi potamus and the tagger, and the rhi nosey rose, and evry thing which is in the world. When I grow up Ime a going for to be a soljer, and then Ile draw my long sticker and cut off all the fellers which I dont likes heads and say: “Hooray! that will teach you that Columby is the gem of the ocean.”