A QUESTION OF PRIVILEGE
The Republican State Convention was in session in the hall of the House of Representatives at Columbia. There was a contest between two rival delegations from Berkeley County, the one representing the “old line” Republicans, the other the younger element which had recently affiliated with the conservative Democrats. The fight came up on the seating of the delegations, and it was agreed that five minutes should be allotted to the chairman of each delegation for the presentation of his claims to the convention.
A young African, fancifully arrayed in a spotless white flannel suit, rose in behalf of the younger delegation and arraigned his opponents in an “impassioned” speech.
Before his five minutes had expired, Mr. Thompson, the ape-like chairman of the elder statesmen, interrupted him with an appeal to the chair.
“Mistuh Chair,” said he, “I rise to uh squeschun ub priblidge.”
The Chair—“Does de juntlemun rise to de priblidge, eeduhso de squeschun?”
“Great Gawd,” said the thoroughly aroused delegate, “I rise to de priblidge en’ de squeschun, alltwo one time, en’ I also rise to uh squeschun ub inflummashun, ’cause I bin pussonully attacktid. Mistuh Chair, dis ondelicate nyung juntlemun w’ich pusceed me has prizzunt to dis augus’ body de credenshul ub de contestuss delegashun frum Bucksley County to Mount Pleasant presinck fuh sen’ one delegashun to Cuhlumbia, fuh sen’ anodduh delegashun to Chicagyo fuh nominashun de Prezzydent uh dese Newnited State! Mistuh Chair, de ’Publikin paa’ty een Bucksley County is gots fuh specify, en’ I will likes to quizzit dis immaculate nyung juntlemun frum Bucksley County en’ ax’um a few cumposhashun! I will likes fuh ’tarrygate’um en’ ax she weh him bin een de yeah sebenty-stree, w’en I bayre my breas’ to de bullet uh de Dimmycrack frum de mountain to de seaboa’d! I will like, suh, fuh peruse de min’ uh dis ondeestunt nyung juntlemun en’ ax’um how de debble him kin specify en’ ruppezunt de ’Publikin paa’ty een Bucksley County to Mount Pleasant presinck, w’en him binnuh lib een Mistuh Puhshay Smit’ yaa’d, en’ binnuh nyam buckruh’ bittle ebbuh sence ’e farruh gone penetenshus fuh t’iefin’ hog een de yeah sebenteen-eighty-stree! I will likes to ax dis ondelicate chillun-nigguh how him kin come yuh wid ’e jaw teet’ full uh Puhshay Smit’ hog meat en’ onduhtek fuh seddown him contestuss delegashun ’pun dis historicus flo’!
“W’en, Mistuh Chair, dis meetin’ wuz hol’ to Bucksley County to Mount Pleasant presinck, fuh sen’ dis delegashun to Cuhlumbia fuh sen’ anodduh delegashun to Chicagyo fuh nominashun de Prezzydent uh dese Newnited State, dis immaculate juntlemun, Mistuh Dannil T. Middletun, repose heself ’gense de conwenshun plan fuh nominashun, en’ adswocate de primus ward[2] plan. Now, w’en de juntlemun fin’ dat de conwenshun plan is wictoria obuh de primus ward plan, de juntlemun git disgus’, en’ de juntlemun lef’ de flo’ uh de conwenshun en’ gone down de step, follow’ by he cohort, Mistuh Gibbes! Now, Mistuh Chair, I punnounce shish ondeestunt behavior, on de paa’t uh Mistuh Middletun, uh disgustuss splotch ’pun de ’Publikin paa’ty’ cawpsus politicksus, en’ ef de juntlemun will contuhdix de wu’d w’ich I nyuse, I will punnounce she to be a lie! Mistuh Chair, de juntlemun’ mout’ is too black for she to be a Dimmycrack, en’ ’e yeye is too red fuh he to be a ’Publikin, en’ I punnounce’um, on de flo’ uh dis conwenshun, uh monstrosity politicuss muffledice!”[3]
CONDUCTOR SMITH’S DILEMMA
Is there one, among the thousands that have traveled on his train, who does not know and, knowing, does not esteem, Conductor Smith—“Billy” Smith of the Blue Ridge Railroad? Surely not, for like his prototype, Baines Carew, the sympathetic attorney of the Bab Ballads, who was so overcome by the recital of his clients’ woes that he “had scarcely strength to take his fee,” Billy, the embodiment of courtesy and kindliness, never collected a fare or punched a ticket without a deprecatory smile and look of sympathy, as tho’ it grieved him very much. This accommodating disposition has made him an easy prey to an exacting public. Other trains have passed over his road, but the cream of the travel has always been reserved for Billy. His the happiness of looking after tow-headed boys sent to visit distant relatives; his the honor of escorting to and from boarding-school, grown girls who have been provided with half-fare tickets by their thrifty mothers; his the privilege of hauling to and fro, ladies who have been blessed with twins by a prodigal Providence, ladies with birdcages, ladies with baby-carriages, ladies with cats in baskets, ladies with geraniums in pots, ladies with home-made jams and pickles in jars, ladies with bundles and bandboxes, ladies with an overweening desire to pour into his sympathetic ear divers family secrets—the exact number of teeth the last baby but one has cut, the number and variety of fashionable ailments considerately diagnosed by their family physicians, etc., etc. With these and like confidences the patient conductor’s time is not infrequently whiled away between stations.