13. There is a third class of these men, who, to arrive at distinction in a turbulent profession, sharpen their mercenary mouths to mystify the truth, and by prostituting their countenances and their vile barking, work their way with the public. These men, whenever the judge is embarrassed and perplexed, entangle the matter before him with further difficulties, and take pains to prevent any arrangement, carefully involving every suit in knotty subtleties. When these courts, however, go on rightly, they are temples of equity; but when they are perverted they are hidden and treacherous pitfalls, and if any person falls into them, he will not escape till after many years have elapsed, and till he himself has been sucked dry to his very marrow.
14. There is a fourth and last class, impudent, saucy, and ignorant, consisting of those men who, having left school too early, run about the corners of cities, giving more time to farces than to the study of actions and defences, wearing out the doors of the rich, and hunting for the luxuries of banquets and rich food.
15. And when they have given themselves up to gains, and to the task of hunting for money by every means, they incite men, on any small pretence whatever, to go to law; and if they are permitted to defend a cause, which but seldom happens, it is not till they are before the judge, while the pleadings are being recited, that they begin to inquire into the cause of the client, or even into his name; and then they so overflow with a heap of unarranged phrases and circumlocutions, that from the noise and jabber of the vile medley you would fancy you were listening to Thersites.
16. But when it happens that they have no single allegation they can establish, they then resort to an unbridled licence of abuse; for which conduct they are continually brought to trial themselves, and convicted, when they have poured ceaseless abuse upon people of honour; and some of these men are so ignorant that they do not appear ever to have read any books.
17. And if in a company of learned men the name of any ancient author is ever mentioned, they fancy it to be some foreign name of a fish or other eatable. And if any stranger asks (we will say) for Marcianus, as one with whom he is as yet unacquainted, they all at once pretend that their name is Marcianus.
18. Nor do they pay the slightest attention to what is right; but as if they had been sold to and become the property of Avarice, they know nothing but a boundless licence in asking. And if they catch any one in their toils, they entangle him in a thousand meshes, pretending sickness by way of protracting the consultations. And to produce an useless recital of some well-known law, they prepare seven costly methods of introducing it, thus weaving infinite complications and delays.
19. And when at last days and months and years have been passed in these proceedings, and the parties to the suit are exhausted, and the whole matter in dispute is worn out with age, then these men, as if they were the very heads of their profession, often introduce sham advocates along with themselves. And when they have arrived within the bar, and the fortune or safety of some one is at stake, and they ought to labour to ward off the sword of the executioner from some innocent man, or calamity and ruin, then, with wrinkled brows, and arms thrown about with actor-like gestures, so that they want nothing but the flute of Gracchus at their back,[186] then they keep silence for some time on both sides; and at last, after a scene of premeditated collusion, some plausible preamble is pronounced by that one of them who is most confident in his power of speaking, and who promises an oration which shall rival the beauties of the oration for Cluentius[187] or for Ctesiphon.[188] And then, when all are eager for him to make an end, he concludes his preamble with a statement that the chief advocates have as yet only had three years since the commencement of the suit to prepare themselves to conduct it; and so obtains an adjournment, as if they had to wrestle with the ancient Antæus, while still they resolutely demand the pay due for their arduous labours.
20. And yet, in spite of all these things, advocates are not without some inconveniences, which are hard to be endured by one who would live uprightly. For being allured by small gains, they quarrel bitterly among themselves, and offend numbers by the insane ferocity of their evil speaking, which they pour forth when they are unable to maintain the weakness of the case intrusted to them by any sound reasoning.
21. And sometimes the judges prefer persons who have been instructed in the quibbles of Philistion or Æsop, to those who come from the school of Aristides the Just, or of Cato—men who, having bought public offices for large sums of money, proceed like troublesome creditors to hunt out every one's fortune, and so shake booty for themselves out of the laps of others.
22. Finally, the profession of a lawyer, besides other things, has in it this, which is most especially formidable and serious (and this quality is almost innate in all litigants), namely that when, through one or other out of a thousand accidents, they have lost their action, they fancy that everything which turned out wrong was owing to the conduct of their counsel, and they usually attribute the loss of every suit to him, and are angry, not with the weakness of their case or (as they often might be) with the partiality of the judge, but only with their advocate. Let us now return to the affairs from which we have thus digressed.