CHAPTER II
The Choice of a Mate
Love is a Compulsion. The most striking characteristic in the love craving, one which differentiates it sharply from other cravings, is the compulsory exclusiveness of its choice. Hunger drives us to seek a large number of substances which, by filling the stomach, relieve what Cannon describes as a gastric itch.
The person in love, on the other hand, seeks only one single object at a time, which alone seems capable of vouchsafing the desired gratification.
A lovelorn man may be surrounded by many women, all extremely attractive and accessible, and yet pine away for some other woman who perhaps does not compare favorably with those he might conquer. He may, at times, yield to the temporary attraction of a new woman, but in the majority of cases, he will soon return to the woman he actually loves.
Not infrequently his environment will wonder at his choice. "What can he see in her?" Physically or intellectually, anyone but himself would see very little to "admire" in her.
What We See in Our Mate. The many handsome men whom we have met, and who are mated to homely wives, the many wives we have observed, mated to impossible husbands, and whose affection for their unprepossessing life partner is genuine and in no way dictated by sordid considerations, the many triangles we know of, in which a very inferior lover or mistress is preferred to an admittedly superior husband or wife, are evidence of the involuntary, nay compulsory, character of the love choice.
A comparison imposes itself with certain obsessive fears or cravings bearing upon one object which, to any one but the person experiencing such fears or cravings, may appear anything but fearful or desirable. The psychoanalytic investigation of the origin of such obsessions always shows that they can be traced back to childhood impressions which have modified our nervous reactions to certain objects or ideas.
The Meaning of Choice. Applied psychology and laboratory research have in recent years attached a more and more deterministic connotation to the term "choice." The word, which to academic psychologists, implied the exercise of free will and "judgment," will have some day to be accepted as synonymous with "compulsion."
A few examples from animal behavior will illustrate my meaning.
Philosophers have for years wasted breath and ink on the academic consideration of the following puzzle: