the happy cause of my content,
and Amanda, his bride, that Sappy cause. They are going to town, and Amanda is afraid that Loveless's Virtue will Relapse. An amusing character is Lord Foppington, a knight newly made a peer; "While I was but a knight I was a very nauseous fellow," he confesses. He holds an absurd levee with his tailor, wigmaker, and hosier, and snubs his brother, Tom Fashion, who is penniless. Through an old nauseous match-maker, Coupler, Tom learns that the peer is contracted to a rustic heiress, whom he has never seen, Miss Hoyden, daughter to Sir Tunbelly Clumsey. Tom decides to go down, personate his brother, and marry the wealthy Miss Hoyden. Yet he has a qualm of conscience and will give Foppington another chance.
Arrived in town, Loveless and Amanda drop blank verse for prose. Amanda confesses her distaste for the obscenities of, the stage. Loveless admits that he has admired a lady at the play; Amanda flutters with jealousy; her cousin, Berinthia, enters; she is the woman admired by Loveless. Enter Lord Foppington bent on the conquest of Amanda. He dislikes the quiet of a country life: "For 'tis impossible to be quiet without thinking; now thinking is to me the greatest fatigue in the world". His lordship is a lover of books, of their bindings, "The inside, I must confess, I am not altogether so fond of". For this he gives his exquisite reasons, and describes the glories of his everyday occupations. From 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. he drinks. "Thus, ladies, you see my life is a perpetual round of delights." This peer is worth a wilderness of Sir Fopling Flutters. On Sundays, "a vile day I must confess," Foppington imitates the course of Mr. Badman. He ends by making a declaration to Amanda, who replies with a box on the ear. Loveless and Foppington fight, Foppington falls, exclaiming "Ah,—quite through the body. Stap my vitals!"
Like Shakespeare, Vanbrugh "has brave notions," and like him, as Ben Jonson said, "he needs to be stopped" before swords are drawn in ladies' company. His Lordship, of course, is no more killed than was the Master of Ballantrae when the sword hilt "dirled on his breast-bone".
Berinthia and Amanda now discuss not "the practical part of unlawful love," "that is abominable"; "but for the speculative; that, we must all confess, is entertaining". Amanda admits an interest in a speculative inquirer, her husband's friend, Mr. Worthy, and, most unnaturally, for she is very jealous, invites Berinthia, a merry widow, to be her guest.
Lord Foppington, happily recovered, airs his original philosophy of life for his brother's edification. "Look you, Tam, of all things that belong to a woman I have an aversion to her heart. For when once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her body." This philosopher declines to give Tom a penny, and Tom returns to the raid upon Miss Hoyden and her fortune.
Loveless is now found—ah! woful change—not only talking in blank verse—indicative of a serious passion—with Berinthia, but kissing her: the discovery is made by Worthy, her old lover. "O God!" exclaims Berinthia. Worthy now knows that Berinthia adores Loveless, and Berinthia—that Worthy adores Amanda. They contrive a plot against Amanda very worthy of their ingenuous principles.
We next find Tom at Sir Tunbelly Clumsey's door, which is garrisoned like the Tower, and all to seclude that Danaë, Miss Hoyden. Both Tom and Miss Hoyden are eager to be married with no more delay than Tom Jones and Sophia, but Sir Tunbelly is more set on ceremonies than Squire Western.
The proceedings of Berinthia now justify the censures of the moralist, and "turning the other page," as Chaucer recommends, we find Tom and Miss Hoyden privately married by Chaplain Bull, when Foppington arrives with two coaches and twenty foot-men, the military skill of Sir Tunbelly, convinced that the newcomer is an impostor, enables him to rout Lord Foppington's guard and arrest his person. Presently a Sir John Friendly arrives; he knows and recognizes the genuine Foppington, who has admirably preserved the calm dignity of his philosophy. The blushless Hoyden now avows to her Nurse and the Chaplain her resolve to prevent trouble by at once wedding the real Lord Foppington.
Meanwhile, by aid of virtue and blank verse, Amanda converts the passion of Mr. Worthy into profound admiration and esteem. The natural denouement follows: Miss Hoyden is recognized as Mrs. Tom Fashion, and Lord Foppington, who would have gone to the guillotine as gallantly as any gentleman, congratulates his brother: "Dear Tam, you have married a woman beautiful in her person, charming in her airs, prudent in her conduct, constant in her inclinations, and of a nice morality. Split my windpipe!"