“Not a little, but a great deal improved.”
“O, I am so glad; and you, Cousin Leila, should be glad also, for it is all owing to you. When I saw you so good and patient, and trying always to bear your trial so well, I prayed a great deal to be made good and patient too, for you know I have my little trials; always the holding up my head, and the never putting my elbows on the table, or being the least comfortable, all those hundred little botherations that used to put me wild; I do think I bear them a little better now. But you will be rewarded for bearing your great trials as you do, for I am sure God must love you so much; that very soon now He will open your eyes, and you will see as well as we do. O what joy then—what joy!”
“Hush! Matilda, hush! do not say it,” Leila hastily answered. “God does love me, I feel He does, for He gives me sweet, peaceful feelings now, and makes me happy; but His ways are different. He does what is best for me, and I am making up my mind, for I feel as if I were to be always blind. Selina knows it, for I have told her; and now that I have told you, I shall be happier. I wish I could speak about it to papa too, but I can’t just yet. Don’t cry, Matilda, don’t, my own dear Matilda.” She threw her arms round her and kissed her fondly. “Now there is a dear one; you will be good, you will be patient, and say it is all quite, quite right. You know, Matilda it must be so.” Her soft soothing voice was silent; she gently disengaged herself from Matilda, and left the room.
And it was really so; Leila had struggled hard with herself, and had all but conquered. She now strongly felt that entire dependence on her heavenly Father’s love which she had so fervently prayed for; the idea that she was to be for ever blind had taken strong possession of her, and she was resigned. Yet one earthly wish was still unsubdued: it was to gaze once more upon her father’s face. “Yes,” she said to herself, “once, only once again, and then I feel I shall be able to say from my very heart, ‘Thy will be done.’ ”
But how was this to be accomplished? She felt she could never tell her father that she wished to see him for the last time; she could never give him that bitter pang. And there were other difficulties. She could see him only when looking down upon him; how was this to be managed? She thought of it constantly; no way presented itself. Yet time pressed, for she felt as if every day her eyelids were getting more stiff and depressed; in fact, the struggle in her mind was affecting her general health. Circumstances, however, favoured her unexpectedly. Mr. Howard had spent a whole forenoon in London; Leila had for hours expected him, and he returned fatigued and dispirited. He had been to arrange a consultation for the following day with regard to Leila’s health, which was now daily giving him much uneasiness. Leila immediately became aware that he was out of spirits.
“Dear papa,” she said, “I am sure you are feeling unwell, you have over-fatigued yourself. Do let me take care of you and make you better. You shall lie down on the sofa, and I will sing you to sleep. Sleep is the very thing you want. Now, there is a dear papa, stretch yourself out; now then let me arrange the pillows comfortably.” She passed her little hand below her papa’s head, and raised it gently, “There now,—so; is not that comfortable? Now I shall take my guitar, and sing you a sweet lullaby; but you must shut your dear eyes first. Are you shutting them, papa?” She passed her hand across Mr. Howard’s eyes. “O you naughty papa, they are wide open.”
They were indeed open, they were earnestly fixed upon the pale countenance of his child. Softly drawing down his eyelids, she drew a chair close to the sofa, and striking a few chords, she began to sing in a sweet low voice, and after a little while Mr. Howard dropped asleep. Leila was immediately aware of this; she continued singing for a few minutes, as she watched his regular breathing; by degrees her voice sunk to the lowest whisper, then altogether ceased. For a moment she bent over him and listened. “Now is the time,” she said; and mounting upon the chair on which she had been seated, she gently raised her eyelids, and stood gazing down upon him.
Was she looking upon that much loved face for the last time? She felt as if it were so. “O my Father in Heaven,” she said, “give me of thy strength! I thought I had been resigned; O pardon a poor weak child, and make me strong!”
A deep sigh awoke Mr. Howard; he opened his eyes. Was it a deep spirit from a world unseen, who stood gazing upon him with a look of more than earthly love, or was it indeed his child? He started up, and Leila threw herself into his arms.
“Forgive me, dearest papa,” she said, “I could not help it; once more to see your face, papa, only once more;” then gradually becoming more calm, she entered fully on the subject, and poured out all that had been so long struggling in her heart. “And now, papa, I feel that God will strengthen me to be resigned. You know He says,—‘When thou passest through the waters I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire thou shalt not be burned, neither shall the fire kindle upon thee.’ And has it not come true with me, papa? He saved me in the waters, and in the fire; and shall I not trust in Him? I feel now as if He did not mean to open my eyes, but it must be right.”