"Even more than you know, Ka'ruchaya, and it troubles me. He has not even a youngling's strength of body, and though that can be overcome by strength of will, which he does have … I do not know."
"Nor do I," Yarra said. "It is not well to go into the Scarring at less than full strength, and his will is being sapped. I have sensed his certainty of death, his worry for us, his anger for his friend . . . yet there is nothing we can do to ease his mind."
"No. I have done all that tradition allows."
"Then his fate—and ours—is in the hands of the Lords."
Tarlac gave up his pretense of reading and looked at them. "Then let's just hope they know what they're doing. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but it was a little hard to avoid."
"Understood," Yarra said. "Ruesten, I did not mean that I lack confidence in you—but I am concerned."
Tarlac shrugged. "And I'm as scared—okay, as terrified—as I can be without throwing a screaming fit. It doesn't matter. I'm not about to quit now." He hesitated, then yielded to impulse. Rising and going to her, he put his arms around her and rested his head on her shoulder. "Ka'ruchaya, I won't be the one to dishonor Ch'kara. I can't! I … I love you all, too much to do that."
Yarra's arms enfolded him, feeling him as vulnerable as any newborn. "We know, ruesten," she said. "We know. You have brought honor to the clan, and you will bring more. Rest now, Steve."
After composing the message he hoped Hovan would never have to read, Tarlac found that the rest of the day went … smoothly. That was the only word he could think of. The admission of fear and love he'd made to Yarra and Hovan wasn't something he could have done in the Empire, and it left him feeling cleansed and strangely at ease. He rather suspected it was because he'd finally managed to take Hovan's advice—"Yourself be, not another's image"—at last.
With no responsibilities until the next morning, on what was very possibly his last day of life, Tarlac found himself at a loss. He hadn't had nothing to do for fifteen years. He wandered around the clanhome, helping with assorted domestic chores. He played with the younglings in the nursery, he helped load dishes into the cleaning units, he emptied dust traps—and when he wasn't occupied, he welcomed simply being with the n'ruhar who wanted to ask him about the Empire and his experiences in the wilderness.