Mrs. Dallas at this began to laugh, unkindly. “Turn her back on love? No indeed. Why should she? Hasn’t she her husband and children, to say nothing of her friends, her father and mother, her sisters and brothers? You idealists seem always to forget these means of expansion. By love you mean simply and solely the intoxicant. Call it poetry and religion, if you like, but don’t expect other people, who merely see that you are intoxicated, to call it that.”
He sat, trying to think. Idly, half absently, with languid fingers, she seemed to be breaking his idols as though they had been silly little earthenware figures, not good enough—here was the stab, the bewilderment—for her drawing-room. And who was she to do it, this remote, mysterious creature, steeped in the perfume of her passionate past? He felt as he gazed at her that it was not only himself he must defend against her.
“It’s curious to me to hear you talk in this way.” He armed himself, as he spoke, with all that he could muster of wisdom and of weight. “You are the last woman I’d have expected to hear it from. You’ve made me your friend, so that I’d have a right to be frank, even if you hadn’t let me love you. What right have you to turn your back on all the beauty and romance of life—to smile at them and mock them? You haven’t allowed yourself to be bandaged and crippled by convention, I’m sure of it. You have followed your heart—bravely, truly—out into life. You have loved—and loved—and loved—I know it. It breathes from you. It’s all you’ve lived for.”
“And you think the result so satisfactory?” said Mrs. Dallas. She looked at him now, and if it was with irony it was with sadness. She turned from her question. “Well, if you like, I am one of the femmes galantes; they are of many types, you know; I wasn’t thinking, when I shocked you so, of the obvious, gross type. I was thinking of the woman who corresponds to you—the idealist, the spiritual femme galante. And, I’m convinced of it, for a woman, it doesn’t work. A man, if he is a big man, or has a big life,—it isn’t always the same thing by the way,—may have his succession of passions, or, as you’d claim,—and I don’t believe it,—his contemporaneities; he has a context to frame them in; they may fall into place. But a woman’s life can’t be calculated in those terms of dimension. It is big enough for the emotion that leads to marriage and to the loves that grow from that, the loves you think so little of. It is an emotion that can’t be repeated over and over again, simply because, in a normal life, it has grown into something else, something even better, I should say: a form of poetry and rapture and religion quite compatible with roast mutton and respectability. But the women who miss the normal life and who try to live on the emotions, they—well, I can only say that to my mind they always come to look silly. Silly is the only word for them.”
He stared at her. “You don’t look silly.”
“Why should I?” Mrs. Dallas asked. “I’m not of the idealist type. I don’t confuse intoxication with religion and think I have the one when I’ve only the other. I may have missed the real thing, but I’ve not repeated the emotion that ought to lead to it. You are quite mistaken in imagining that I’ve loved and loved and loved. I haven’t. I have allowed other people to love me. That, as you’ll own, is a very different matter. I am hard and cold and disillusioned. I am not soft and yearning and frustrated. Why should I look silly?”
He stared at her, and his heart was flooded with pain. What was she, then? What was her feeling for him? What had she meant? As she spoke and as he looked at her, the veil of romance dissolved from about her and he saw her for the first time with her own eyes,—devoid of poetry, a hard, cold, faded, worldly woman. Yet she was still a Sphinx, strange and alluring, and still he struggled against her, for her, saying hotly, though his heart was chilled, “If it’s true, you’ve hurt yourself—you’ve hurt yourself horribly, through fear of looking silly.”
“No, I’ve not hurt myself,” said Mrs. Dallas. “I’ve been hurt, perhaps; but I’ve not allowed my hurts to repeat themselves too often. Some things in life should be unique and final. The people who don’t keep them so become shoddy. Marian, for instance, is neither hard nor cold, nor shoddy either. You have made one of the mistakes that idealists are always making in imagining that she was humdrum respectability and that I was poetry and rapture and religion.—Oh, it’s no good protesting. If I had a double chin and thin hair you’d never have wanted to help my soul, however unhappy I was. And if Marian had sat about in carefully chosen clothes and looked mysterious and not let you feel sure that she cared about you, you would probably have remained in love with her. So please own that you have been mistaken and that on the one side is love, the love that Marian feels for you, although she knows you; because she knows you; and on the other is illusion, intoxication, sensuality; yes, my dear Rupert, such as you felt when I let you kiss my hand a little while ago.”
He sat, sullen, even sulky, half turned from her, and again he stooped and gathered up the flakes of stone and tossed them away down the path.
The clink and chink of ice and glass was heard approaching through the drawing-room, and the maid stepped out bearing the tray, which she set down on a wicker table before her mistress. The tall crystal jug, veiled in frosty rime, showed tones of jade and chalcedony, and fillets of lemon peel threaded it like pale, bright enamel. This gem-like beaker, the plate of golden cakes, with the scent of the carnations, with Mrs. Dallas’s little foot on its cushion, with her rings of pearl and ruby, had all been part of the magic she had meant to him. The very sound of the ice, dully yet resonantly chinking, brought a suffocating sense of nostalgia. It was over, all over. He was disenchanted. She was cruel to him, to him who had loved her. She had cut into him and killed bright, ingenuous, trustful things. And, in a placid voice, she asked him if he would have some cake, and filled his glass.