But it came to an End. I found at last, whether I would shut mine Eyes or no, whether I would give Ear or feign Dullness, that I was seeing, hearing Nothing but Mistress Anne. At first, I would not attend to this; then said (in Answer to Something,) "What Harm?" But yet Something answered back again, There is Harm. Then quod I, To whom? There is none, nor never shall be to any save myself, and the only Harm to me is the Pain; and if the Pain is a Pleasure, or I choose to bear it and count it as such, where's the Harm and where's the Wrong?
But the Pleasure was gone. At least, there was so much Pain overlying it, that it was crushed down and smothered, and struggling to get free of its Burthen. Then I asked myself what this was about, and whither could it tend, and what had I lost that I had had before, that made me seem a different Ned Osborne? Also, why did I bring Shame on myself and bring Master Hewet's keen Observance on me by such and such a Blunder in my daily Charge? Was his Eye altering towards me? Would it not needs alter, did he wit the foolish, impossible Things I spent the best (the worst) of my Time in dreaming of? Oh! my Heart would not bear it! There was Something eating its Way into my Soul, as a Weevil gnaws its Way into a Garner.
—No, this could not go on. I thought over it and took my Part; and after watching and letting slip many Opportunities, I at length, in Desperation, took the very first that came next, and stood beside Master Hewet at his Desk when I wist that no Other was or would soon be within Earshot; and said, "Master, I must go."
"Whither, Lad?" quod he, surprised, yet kindly,—"On some Errand of thine own about the Town?"
I tried to get back my Voice, it faltered so!—and said, "Away ... away from here."
"Art ill?" quod he, laying down his Pen, and suddenly looking full at me. "Dost thou want to go for a While into the Country?"
"No," I said, "I must go seek another Service."
"Another Service?" repeated he, with a yet more piercing Look.—"This is strange ... and sudden. We thought you were so happy."
"I was," said I. "Only—"
"Only what?" And he waited: but I spake never a Word mo'.