Quiet self-possession will enable a person quite unacquainted with the usages of society to conduct himself very acceptably even in the most superior company. It is the foolish feeling of timidity that causes the trepidation and bashfulness, and consequent uneasy manners when in company, with the class of persons for whose benefit this book was written. Why should you be timid and backward, and show by your hesitating ways that you do not feel at ease? You surely can notice how those about you conduct themselves, and conduct yourself accordingly. Why should you not enter a room filled with company like any other well-bred person, in an easy, unconcerned manner, and addressing those about you, even those with whom you are not acquainted, without restraint, and without embarrassment? If you cannot muster sufficient spirit to do this, you had better turn travelling agent and call from house to house till you are not afraid of associating and conversing with strangers.
Yet to be well-bred without ceremony; easy without carelessness; self-possessed and dignified with modesty; polite without affectation; pleasing without servility; cheerful without being noisy; frank without indiscretion; and secret without mysteriousness; to know the proper time and place for whatever you say or do, and do it with the air of the well-bred—all this requires time and close observation. “Manners make the man.” Old, but good. The power or influence of an easy, pleasing, deferential manner; of a polite, gracious and genteel address, is shown in a multitude of ways, and is acknowledged by high and low, and could not be better illustrated than by the success of great Counterfeiters, Forgers, and “Confidence men” generally. They are invariably men of the most polished and insinuating address. They listen to you with a consummate, well-bred air of interest and attention. They flatter you unconsciously, but none the less powerfully by the deep respect they apparently show to every word of your conversation; and when they address you it is as if to a person deserving of the highest consideration. And all this with such a combination of suavity, self-respect and dignity that it is most powerful to please. And these accomplished rascals have trained themselves to polished address and perfection of manners solely for the purpose of winning in their schemes with men.
Judicious flattery is incomparable as a means of pleasing. No person is proof against it, and one of its most delicate and effective forms is in showing a seeming deference to us—our conversation—opinions and advice. The ladies are particularly susceptible to polite and urbane manners. The act of a gentleman raising his hat and bowing gracefully to a lady, is really, or seemingly, a mark of esteem and respect, and the lady is pleased, as she should be. Little attentions thoughtfully shown are certain to please, and to secure that regard the person showing them is entitled to receive.
“He is a perfect gentleman,” from a lady simply means that he has been generous in his gallant little attentions to her.
“A good listener,”—and how rare they are!—can not be otherwise than a thoughtful, sensible, and pleasing person. By his apparent deep interest in our conversation, he flatters our self-love; and whoever does that, without seeming intention, has advanced in our good opinion.
There is nothing so grossly rude, nor so little forgiven, as inattention from a person whom you are addressing. Many persons are so thoughtlessly or ignorantly rude, that while you are speaking to them, instead of looking at you with attention, they will look out of the window, into the fire, or up at the ceiling, and, it may be, speak to, or answer some other person, thus seeming to imply implicitly that the most trifling object deserves their attention more than anything you may be saying. The emphatic desire in every well-ordered mind to punish such an offensively ill-bred person we consider highly commendable.
In regard to the ways and usages of society we do not propose to say anything here, as they can be readily learned by observation, or from any of the several good books on the subject, mentioned in another place.
[Bashfulness from Ill-Dress.]
A person may have the education of a College President, and possess the wealth of an Astor, yet let him with soiled or slouchy clothes be suddenly brought into the society of ladies and gentlemen, and he will feel and act constrained and bashful in spite of his best endeavors.