On earth unseen, or only found
To warm the turtle’s nest.”
But love is an actual, a powerful, and a beneficial [p207] principle, if it be properly regulated. Among married persons there ought to be as much love as would induce either to yield in trifling matters; and there ought to be as much reason as would enable both to act correctly. Matrimony should be something like the union of the ivy and the oak: the latter is firm, and capable of supporting its more tender companion; the ivy, however, must follow in some measure the humors and windings of the oak; but they grow together, and the longer they continue the more closely they are united. There have been many instances of great attachment. Porcia, the wife of Brutus, when she heard of her husband’s death swallowed burning coals that she might go with him. Alceste, wife of Admetus king of Thessaly, sacrificed herself for the safety of her husband. This monarch was ill; and when the oracle was consulted, it was declared that he would not recover except some friend would die for him; and as no one else would do so, the wife heroically drank a cup of poison. Paulina the wife of Seneca in his old age, was young, beautiful, and accomplished; and she was so much attached to her husband, that when the veins of Seneca were opened by the command of Nero, she caused her own to be cut, that she might also bleed to death. When Conrad III. had taken the town of Winsberg in Bavaria, he allowed only the women to go out; but they had leave to carry with them as much as they pleased. They loaded themselves, therefore, with their husbands and children, and brought them all out on their shoulders! When love is genuine; when professions are sincere, and the practice agreeable therewith; when health is enjoyed, and as many comforts as are necessary for this life; when children grow up in vigor, good behaviour, and mental improvement; when old age is solaced by the company of each other, and the kind attention of daughters and sons; then matrimony is a cause of happiness.
[p208]
But if all these enjoyments were the lot of every married person, men would become too much contented with the present life, and they would scarcely think, as they sail on smoothly, of the haven, for which they are bound. Besides, the fascinations of domestic life would attract them from many duties which they owe to their fellow creatures. There are then many disadvantages connected with matrimony. There is so much ignorance, perverseness, undue inclination for power, disposition to contradict, anger, jealousy, hatred, and versatility among human beings that many unpleasant occurrences will necessarily arise, and especially in the marriage state, because here most of these feelings are brought into action, and are most sensibly felt by those who are subject to their influence. He that paints the experience of human life in brilliant colors only gives a flattering and deceptive representation,—he may just as well pretend that the heavens are always cloudless. People soon discover that there are sorrows in the world as well as joys, unpleasant as well as pleasant events; hence arises the advantage of examining, of pointing out, and endeavoring to avoid “the ills which flesh is heir to.” The perpetuity of marriage, under pleasing circumstances, is its most lovely character; but the same peculiarity, under a different aspect, is its principal source of misery. It is too frequently a state of bondage, “which thousands once fast-chained to quit no more.” But what exists, and cannot be removed, should always be borne as patiently as possible; and thus we may keep a cheerful heart, when another, less prudent, would be gloomy. Besides, an ill temper makes every condition of life unhappy; a cheerful disposition will throw a gleam of sunshine over the scenery of a November day. Some people, very foolishly, make themselves uneasy because they are bound. Sir Jonah Barrington seems to think it a natural propensity. He says,—“The [p209] moment any two animals, however fond before, are fastened together by a chain they cannot break, they begin to quarrel without any apparent reason, and peck each other solely because they cannot get loose again.” But it must be remembered that people enter into marriage with a knowledge of the permanency of the union, and perhaps they seldom repent, except they had been deceived; and this we may hope would not occur frequently. After the Romans had introduced a law of divorce, no respectable person, for the space of forty years, availed himself of it. Divorcement was much practised among the Jews, and was productive of great evil. One of the Jewish doctors asserted, that if a man beheld a woman who was handsomer than his wife, he might put away his wife and marry her; and thus all the wives in Judea, except the handsomest, might have been divorced. Josephus observes, on one occasion, very coolly,—“About this time I put away my wife, who had borne me three children, not being pleased with her manners.”
One cause of unhappiness in a married state, is too little affection; and in other instances, although affection may be possessed, it is not shown. Montesquieu observes, “that women commonly reserve their love for their husbands until their husbands are dead.” Sometimes a mortal hatred springs up, which induces a man, like Henry VIII., to cause the murder of those whom he has sworn to love and preserve; or a woman, like Livia, to poison her husband. Not only is a great dissimilarity of rank and condition a cause of dislike, but a great variation in age is frequently the cause of distrust and unhappiness. The proportion which Aristotle suggests (a man of thirty-seven to a woman of eighteen,) may be appropriate in one respect, but it is objectionable in others. The life of the female is just as long as that of the male; and the union of middle age and youth, where the one is [p210] twice as old as the other, will not always allow an uniformity of feelings and disposition. The case of Seneca (to which we have alluded,) and that of Sir Matthew Hale, are exceptions. Youth is generally gay, thoughtless, and frivolous; but life, in more advanced periods, is sober, thoughtful, and dignified. A husband should not be deemed a teacher or guardian for the wife so much as a companion; and the wife should not be considered as guardian for the husband: there ought to be a mutual sympathy, and in most respects an equality of influence.
Jealousy is a passion which allows the hapless possessor to enjoy neither rest nor confidence. It is frequently the companion of love. Shakspeare says,
“For where love reigns, disturbing jealousy
Doth call himself affection’s sentinel.”
When this principle obtains possession of the breast, it destroys the health and spirits: the streams which gladden the heart become corrupted, and productive of rage and melancholy. Jealousy is like the snake which insidiously entwines itself around its victim; or like the bohun upas of Java, which diffuses death. The bright beams of hope, which cheered the possessor, and carried his vision to distant days and distant scenes of enjoyment, are all eclipsed by this pillar of darkness. Moliere the poet was endowed with an eminent genius—he was esteemed as the first wit in Europe; but his wife was faithless, and no enjoyment, or success, or honor could tranquillize his mind, and make him happy. The attractions of youth and beauty will sometimes excite an illicit passion, but the indulgence of this feeling is the path to anxiety and degradation. The female may be less faulty; but she will be the greater sufferer; for, with regard to her lawful companion, confidence is changed to timidity, love to hypocrisy, and a continual fear torments [p211] her, lest accident or malice should discover her imprudence. How dearly is the pleasure of a moment procured when it is purchased by years of unhappiness! On the other hand, it is extremely unreasonable for some persons to indulge as they do, their natural disposition of suspicion, and thus make others unhappy. Where virtue only exists, it is a most grievous hardship that the possessor should be subject to the penalty of vice. Nothing should be made with more caution than a decision in which the innocent may receive the odium which belongs to the guilty.
Sometimes the worst sort of accomplishments are brought by a lady into the marriage state: she may be capable of singing admirably, of dancing, of painting, of performing skilfully on the harp or piano, of making ingenious trinkets and ornaments; all this may be well enough for an unmarried lady, but of what use are they in a state of matrimony? It is true, that if she be favored with a handsome fortune, she may indulge herself agreeably with her inclination, and employ others to manage her household affairs; but not many are thus situated; and, even in this case, there are duties which belong to the wife, in regard to her husband and children, which would occupy pretty much of her time. It is still worse if she be fond of dissipation,—of routs, balls, and public amusements; if she fly abroad in pursuit of a phantom while domestic enjoyment is neglected. A good wife will endeavor to make herself happy at home, and she will try to make all at home happy: she should endeavor to make the pathway of life cheerful by her smiles and attention, so that her husband may be delighted with his dwelling, and find it his happiest place; and that the children may be regulated with all necessary care.