The adventures of a black coat

by Anonymous

THE
ADVENTURES
OF A
BLACK COAT.

A Sable coat, whose venerable rents confest a life of business, and a length of years, long had hung sole tenant of a wardrobe; till a gay white coat with care was ushered in, and laid at decent length: when lo! with mortal voice, and sounds articulate, Sable was thus heard to address the stranger: “Thy presence, spark, warns me of my approaching dissolution; but when I cast a retrospect over my former life, and behold thy native purity and unblemished form, I cannot but pity the many and various misfortunes thou art, in all probability heir to.”—To whom, White, “And when I behold thy queer shape and rustic aspect, I cannot but return thy pity, and offer up my prayers against longevity.”—Sable replied, “Boy, know that the depredations of time, and the unseemly appearance of industry, are not proper subjects of ridicule: were it possible thou couldst foresee the train of misfortunes, which in the course of thy existence, and revolutions of thy fortune, thou will be subject to, that gay and happy mien would be changed to a gloomy and melancholy aspect.” Here White bowed humility, craved the sages pardon, and supplicated his advice in the conduct of his life. Sable, finding it a coat of manners, and pleased with the deference paid to his importance, thus answered, “To give advice is easy, but to profit by it is difficult; I will therefore (if thou hast patience to listen) rehearse to thee the vicissitudes of my fortune, from my first formation to this time, so that thou may’st profit by my misfortunes, and learn to bear thy lot, (whate’re it may be) with patience and resignation; and believe me thou wilt have occasion for philosophy.” White politely expressing his desire to be informed of the sage’s life, he thus proceeded: When I contemplate the scenes I have experienced, and meditate on the vile schemes I have been obliged to countenance in those whose sole merit and reputation on arose from my close attachment to them, my very threads blush at the indignity. Here Sable was heard to sigh most piteously, and White, ’tis thought, laughed in his sleeve. After a pause of some minutes—Sable thus opened the relation of his adventures.

The death of a late Princess was the æra of my formation, at which time I was called to this state as a symbol of sorrow, (formed by R——’s skillful hand) for the use of a commoner of distinguished abilities. With him, in the senate-house, have I seen the best heads have the worst hearts, and fallacious eloquence silence truth, when delivered in simplicity of language: but being naturally of a volatile disposition, this life of idleness, for it was seldom I appeared in public, grew irksome to me, and I languished to see the world. My wishes were at length gratified; the limited time of mourning being expired, I was disposed of to a favorite domestic, who soon after, for a small consideration, consigned me over to Mr. ——, a merchant in Monmouth-Street.

Here properly I may say I began to exist; my heart dilated with joy at the prospect of seeing life, and associating with the various characters that visit this place.

I was soon introduced by my new owner to the class of occasional gentleman, each of whom I had the mortification to see frequently depart from our prison of dust and moths, and enjoy liberty and fresh air; many objecting to me on account of my size, which was then far above the common, though now, as you may see, below it, having lately been curtailed by the degrading scissars of a botcher, and refused by more from my colour. At length an Irish footman, after being disappointed by the whole class of Beaus, who were not equal to his Herculean breadth of shoulders, determined to appear in a character of gravity, and sallied forth with me on his back.

Various were my conjectures where this enterprizing genius was carrying me, nor was I quite free from fear of receiving stripes, from the temerity of my adventurer; for I concluded it was not an expedition squared by the rules of right altogether; especially as many of our community frequently brought home with them marks of various disasters, sometimes being dragged through a horse-pond, at other times rolled in a kennel, besides numberless canings and kickings, and were generally afterwards delivered over to the inhumanity of a scowerer, who impaired us more, with the variety of brushes he tormented us with, than a whole year of service.

But I was surprized, and not a little pleased, when I found this bold spark knock at the door of one of the managers of the theatres; the door being opened, this worthy member of the party-coloured society, was introduced to the manager, and my fears of a drubbing subsided. The ceremony of salutation being ended, my conductor was desired to open his business, which he did, with a genuine Munster accent, in the following words, as near as I can remember;—“Sir, finding myself capacitated to appear upon the stage from my internal figure, and other qualifications, I am come to offer you the refusal of me, in deference to the other house.” The manager expressed his thanks for the favour he intended him, and requested him to name the characters he thought he was the most capable to perform. “Look you, Mr. ——,” says this Hibernian Roscius, “let us first settle the sallary you are willing to give me, for ’tis not my way to take a certainty for an uncertainty.” The manager remonstrated that it was impossible to offer any sallary before he was acquainted with his merit.—Our hero replied, “Why there is Mr. ——, I think I am not superior to him in any thing, and he has, I am told, 1000l. a year; therefore I would not ask more for the first year.”—1000l. a year, (replied the manager) may not be equal to your merit; Mr. —— is a favourite of the town, and that is one reason of his being paid so much.—“By the almighty heavens! exclaimed the Munster hero, I shall be as great a favourite as he, with all the ladies soon, for I am as well proportioned a man as he is, and I don’t care a fig for him.”—Upon my word, Sir, says the manager, I believe you wou’d beat him; but Sir, I believe you have made a small mistake.—As how?—replied the Hibernian genius,—Why Sir, you have mistaken the house, Mr. Broughton lives in the Hay-market, where, if you will give yourself the trouble to call upon him, you may perhaps meet with encouragement on his amphitheatre,—“Why you little Crature, replied Teague, I have a great mind to take satisfaction upon your small bones.—But here the manager prudently made his exit, and left the enraged footman to his soliloquy, who, after venting many execrations and threatnings, left the house, and marched with me to my old habitation, where being arrived, he sullenly disrobed himself, and with a curse threw me on the floor, then put on his accustomed garb, adorned with the insignia of his profession, and issued forth with hasty strides, to attend the humble duties of his station.

This my first adventure was not over-pleasing to me; however, I consoled myself with reflecting, that I was seeing characters and life, for which I had a longing desire that seemed implanted in my nature; and though I am sensible no coat of prudence ought to cherish such a desire, yet, at the same time, I am certain, much useful knowledge may be drawn from observing the various characters that are to be met with in this metropolis. But to proceed:

Three months I lingered in dull apathy and close imprisonment; (which to a coat of such a volatile spirit as I was then, was worse than total dissolution, or the tormenting needle of a botcher, than which nothing was half so dreadful to me) thrice a week indeed a general review was made of our company, and every one cleansed with cane and brush from moths and dust. But now a young gentleman of a most graceful appearance, ordered me to be tried upon him. I was fearful of being something too large, but the desire I had to accompany this agreeable youth, made me contract every thread to clasp him; and I so far succeeded, that he seemed equally pleased with me as I with him. In short, we soon left the neighbourhood of St. Giles’s, and with genteel deportment he conducted me towards the court-end of the town, each, if I may be allowed to say so much in my own praise, lending grace to the other.

Being arrived near St. James’s (after traversing the park once or twice, during which I could discover great anxiety of mind in my conductor; and feel his heart throb with great force) he stopt at a house that bespoke the owner to be a man of distinction, and being entered the hall, he enquired if his lordship was to be spoke with; being answered in the affirmative, he was immediately waited upon up stairs, and introduced into a spacious room, which was almost filled with gentlemen who were waiting for his lordship: from the time of his entering the house I found his heart beat with stronger emotions, from whence I concluded he was near some important period; I soon discovered the major domo was a minister in a certain department, and that this was his lordship’s levee; —It was near an hour before his lordship appeared; during this time, I employed myself in an endeavour to discover, from the physiognomy of the persons present, the various expectations that might be traced in each countenance; doubt of success seemed to be predominant in the assembly, and so much was every one engaged in a tacit conversation betwixt himself and his lordship, that for the greatest part of the time a total silence prevailed. At length the doors flew open, and the minister’s coming was announced.—The peer entered, and with great dignity bowed to his dependants, who returned the salute with humble reverence. His lordship spoke to each with a mild affability, as they stood in rotation, and procrastinating the desires of his dependants, seemed to be the general benefit conferred upon the company. At last it came to be my conductor’s turn to address the peer, which he did in the following words, but something inarticulate from his extreme modesty—I beg permission to acquaint your lordship that it is this day two years since I had the honour to be put upon your lordship’s list, to be employed in an office your lordship should appoint, in the embassy to the court of Spain, in consequence of an application to your lordship from the honourable Mr. ——. Why Sir, replied the minister, I do remember something of Mr. —— applying to me in your favour, and ’tis probable I might then put you upon my list, but I can never think it is two years since.—I would not, return’d the youth, impose upon your lordship, nor assert a falsity. Pray Sir, rejoined the peer, did you ever apply to me since the first application? My lord, answered the young gentleman, I have attended your lordship’s levee constantly once a month since, and should oftener, but was fearful of being troublesome to your lordship—Do you understand Spanish and the other requisites for such a station, Sir? says the peer—My lord, urged my companion, permit me to say, it is now more than a twelvemonth since your lordship pointed out to me the necessary qualifications, and permit me also to add, my lord, that I have dissipated my small fortune, in attaining those qualifications, and rendering myself equal to the service, so that I might not disgrace your lordship’s choice.—I am sorry, returned his lordship, that it is not in my power to serve you, for all the employments have been disposed of some time ago.—I hope your lordship, replied the astonished youth, will serve me some other way, as a recompence for my loss of time and the injury my fortune has suffered, by your lordship’s unhappily forgetting me.—I don’t remember, says, the absent peer, that I recommended you to lay out your money in any thing about this affair; but if I did, I suppose I then intended to appoint you, but it is now too late Sir, and I wou’d advise you to think of something else.—I should presume, says the unfortunate youth, on your lordship’s knowledge that it has cost me upwards of 200l. in qualifying myself, agreeable to your lordship’s order, your lordship, out of humanity, wou’d favour me with something that might retrieve my shattered fortune—What you understand the Spanish language, Sir? says his lordship.—Perfectly, replied the alarmed youth. Why then, returned the peer, you have the advantage of me, and may receive ample satisfaction, in reading the history of Don Quixote in the original language, and with that piece of wit, he politely took his leave of our thunderstruck youth, who on recollecting himself exclaimed, Æsop’s fable of the boys and frogs is here fatally exemplified, what is sport to him, is death to me—and instantly departed, bending his steps towards the Bird-Cage walk in the Park, where sitting upon a bench he passed two hours in silent meditation, but at length rousing from his melancholy reverie, with a start that put every thread of me to the proof, he took the resolution of entering as a private soldier in the guards, and hoped that while he might be upon duty under the cruel minister’s window, the reflection that he had drove him to that course of life for bread, might if his soul was not callous to every sensation, make him feel the pangs of wantonly ruining a man who had never injured him. Thus resolved, he hastened with me to my old habitation, where leaving me, he fled, as I suppose, to execute his ill-fated purpose.