Next, going into Northamptonshire, and Night beginning to creep upon me, I began to be mighty Melancholly, as being all alone; but as good Luck would have it, I overtook a Cordwainer, who (as he told me) was newly recover’d from a sad Mischance; for walking carelesly one Day, he happen’d to have a Fall, and to squat his Breech upon a Hedge-Hog, which he carry’d away as cleverly (it clinging to his Buttocks) as if he had sate upon a Ball of his Wax. Whether there is a Sympathy between a Shoemaker’s Tail, and the Skin of an Urchin, or whether the Bristles of the Creature enter’d the Pores of his Backside, I list not to decide that Controversy now; but however, the Mortal complain’d, that it was an uneasy Cushion, and that that Spinny of Awls, had made a Cullender of his Backside. But being not much concern’d at the Cerebrosity of his scievy Bum, the Eyelet-Holes whereof being not very deep, we went together, till we came to a Church, standing like an Ace, and moping by itself, at some Distance from a little Village; which, whether it ran from the Parish, or the Parish from it, I was not then inform’d; though I have most Reason to suspect the latter, in Regard as to outward Appearance the weak Constitution of the Fabrick seem’d not much to be addicted to run. It seem’d to be very crazy, and had a Muffler of Ivy, which I presume was instead of Crutches; for whereas that feeble Vegetable is usually upheld by the Walls it clings to, I believe it was a Buttress here to support the Walls. But having sadden’d our Aspect with the melancholly Looks of this desolate Temple, we took our leave of it, and shot directly into the Village; at our first Salutation whereof we chanc’d to pop into a dapper Ale-House, mightily stuft with a huge Hostess, whose Moisture distilling through the Pores of her Body, and being somewhat turn’d through excessive Heat, struck our olfactive Nerves with so great a Sowerness, that we had quite been overcome with this Vessel of Vinegar, had she not too much jogg’d herself by an unhappy Fall, and spilt a great Quantity of her unctuous Liquor. The Shoemaker conjectur’d she had lost about five or six Pounds Avoirdupois, from her Rear, and presently concluded she was in great Danger of hanging all a-one-Side, unless some charitable Person should help her with Thrust of assisting Nose. We had scarce prim’d our Pipes, but in comes a Law-Jobber, accompanied with a Bum-Brusher, or School-Master of the Place, who, after some Time, took Occasion to try their Skill and Breeding at Fistycuffs, but (Thanks to the Stars) without any Danger to their Professions; for they did not so much Aim at the Head, as level their Fury at each others Heels, where their Knowledge was not suppos’d to lie, tho’ some there held that they had as much Learning at one End, as they had at t’other.
At this blind Alehouse, I and Crispin’s Disciple lay one Night, whence, we sojourn’d together into Bedfordshire, till we came to Dunstable, a Town builded by King Henry I. to bridle the Outrageousness of one Dun, a notable Thief, from whom it takes its Name. Here, Mr. Snob having a Mistress, and being almost within the Atmosphere of her Presence, began to wind her, and had a great Tendency to the Place were she was; so that I might as soon expect a Stone to fall beyond the Centre, as that this Gentle-Craftsman should budge further; wherefore, nothing was expected now, but an immediate Divorce from each others Company; but before we parted, he oblig’d me with the Prospect both of her Person and Fortune. As for the first, as soon as I saw it, I had greater Reason to congratulate my Eye-sight than before; for she was blest with the most ravishing Aspect, and a snug Face, most prodigiously grac’d with a dainty fine Nose, fasten’d in the Middle; which was not like some Snouts that look more upon one Cheek, than they do upon the other, but shew’d equal Prospect to both, not at all disobliging the Right, by fleering too much on the Left. And then for her Eyes, they are excellent at twiring, and would (I warrant you) be sure to keep the Nose safe, for one look’d one Way, and the other, another. The Woman had a Mouth too, which was somewhat bigger than that of a Blunderbuss, tho’ not twice as big as the capacious Bore of a Winchester Quart-pot. This Mouth, she put but to one Use, and that’s the same we put ours to, that is, to eat three or four Meals in a Day; for it seems, whereas other Women often use theirs in Prating and Twatling, we perceiv’d, that this sav’d her Mouth, and spake through the Nose. As I have given you the Picture of her Person, so now I’ll present you with a Landskip of her Fortune. As for her Lands, that is, Pasture-Ground, and Meadow, we could not discern, but that (like a Spot upon the Globe) they took but little Room upon the Surface of the Earth; and (like the Possessions of Alcibiades) were but a little Speck to the World. A little Muck would dung her Fallow; one high Table T⸺ (to speak in the Oxford Dialect) would much enrich it, and an Ear of Corn would go near to sow it: ’Tis like, she had Grass enough for a Couple of Rabbits. Having surveyed the Paramour, and the Portion of this snivelling Cobler, after a Treble go-down out of a Tin-Pot, a right Line Scrape with Left-Leg, and uncouth Doffing off a bad Bonnet, I return’d his Coblership Thanks for his Society, and solemnly took Leave of my Fellow-Traveller.
After this Departure, I was forc’d to beguile away the Time in the shady Solitude of silent Thoughts, which, before, I spent in the brisker Entertainments of Discourse and Dialogue. At length I came into Cambridgeshire, some Parts whereof seem’d to be a little Arabia of Sand, enough (as I thought) to supply all the Hour-Glasses in the County; nay, perhaps, and that of Time too, till the last Minute. Arriving at the University of Cambridge, I lay at Jesus College, in the Garden of which Place, I discover’d among some Ruins, the Snout, and some other Limbs of a murder’d Dial; yet it was not so defac’d, but that I could discover in its Physiognomy, some martyr’d Figures, that were yet legible, and there were some Reliques of Lines, that were not quite obliterated by Time, who, I presume, being vext that it should observe his Motions, had out of Envy and Malice, thus far set his Grinders in it, to deface it. Here, the Students, at Oxford, would be as drunk as any Woman, outswear a Life-guard-Man, or Horse-Grenadier; and eat, drink, and lie with any Body. But when I saw whole Shoals of great hulking Fellows, in such ragged Gowns, that our London Bunters would scorn to pick ’em up, flocking about the Kitchen-door, some with Basons, some with Porringers, some with Pipkins, some with Pans, some with Chamber-Pots, and some with their very Caps, to beg College Broth; I thought the Scene a very lively Resemblance of poor Lazarus, begging for the Crumbs which fell from the Table of Dives.
Hence, I went into Huntingdonshire, which is a very proper County for unsuccessful Lovers to live in; for upon the Loss of their Sweethearts, they will here find an Abundance of Willow-Trees, so that they may either wear the Willow green, or hang themselves, which they please; but the latter is reckon’d the best Remedy for slighted Love. Passing through Godmanchester, I rambled to Watford in Hartfordshire, near which Town, formerly stood Langley-Abbey, the Birth Place of Nicholas Breakspear, who in the Year 1154, being advanc’d to the Papal Dignity, assum’d the Name of Adrian IV. and tho’ he had been a poor Servant, was so proud, as to excommunicate an Emperor of Germany, a Sicilian King, and the Senators of Rome; for these Popes are sawcy Fellows, when they come to wear triple Crowns, as Kings of Heaven, Earth, and Hell; which last Place, they have enjoy’d by Hereditary Right and Succession, many Ages before the Reign of Pope Joan.
Going next into Essex, which is as subject to Agues, as the Hundreds of Drury is to the Pox, and the whole County much noted for its excellent Calves, but the biggest of that Sort of Cattle are the Inhabitants. I pass’d through Colchester, and crossing the County, got into Staffordshire, where being inform’d at the City of Lichfield, that the Thief-taker-General of England first receiv’d his damn’d stinking Breath in that County; I did not care for staying long there, for Fear, the Change of this Air should make me as vile, and double corrupted a ⸺ as himself. In case it should be this Fellow’s good Fortune to dance at Tyburn, betwixt Heaven and Earth, as being unworthy of either, the Ordinary of Newgate may give this Account of him in his dying Speech; how that his Parentage was very obscure and mean; his Livelihood at first was obtaining Charity from Milk-Maids, and other Country Lasses, by squeezing pretty Ditties out of the Womb of a Bladder, with a Piece of Packthread; and if he should prove so harden’d at the Gallows, as to make no larger Confession of himself, set him down (like Paul Lorrain) obstinate. In fine, he had such a bad Character among his own Country-Men, that some said, it was great Pity he had not been hang’d as soon as he was breech’d; whilst others reply’d, that he ought never to die, but be toss’d from D⸺l to D⸺l, till there was no Hell left to toss him in any longer.
I soon made the best of my Way into Shropshire, where, at a little Town, or rather Village, call’d Woor, happen’d a sad Misfortune; for a certain Glass-Case, by Reason of the Rudeness of two lusty Pusses, but whether affrighted at their Catterwauling, or it being not able to bear them in the Acts of Love, I cannot tell which, but certain it was, it let go its Hold, and after a dismal Manner, came blundering down, attended with the Ruin of several Jiggumbobs, and Jimcracks, as the Ivory Gums of a toothless Comb, a little bottle-breech’d Glass replenish’d with Love Powder; a Brace of blind Needles, that lost their Eyes in the Fall; a double Scut of a Hare ty’d up with a single Packthread; the latter End of an old Broomstick; the Butt End of an old Sugar-Loaf; the true Lovers Knot made in Wire, a square bit of Tin, the Margin of a broad Hat, one Finger-Stall, two Taggs, a Fescue made of Brass Wire, a crack’d Glass with a Club-Foot, the Skin of an Onion stuft with Arsenick, and one Whisker of a bearded Arrow. But as one Misfortune seldom comes alone, so this was attended with another, for a young Salopian Lass who was the Proprietor of these Things, took the Accident of them so much to Heart, that she very decently hang’d herself, to the no small Comfort, to be sure, of her Parents, who had six or seven Children, besides this unhappy Daughter, whom nobody could blame for this Piece of Rashness; for is it not a sad Thing to lose so commodious a Place, to lay pretty Things in, and all by the Misdemeanour of two unmannerly Cats? For where could this poor Creature afterwards have laid her Gally-Pots, Gums, and Pomatum? Had these Mousehunters only eas’d Nature there, and then jingerly departed, they had been very excusable, but first to come slily into a Ladies Chamber, and then to squabble and fall out there, and in the Midst of their Quarrel to pursue one another to the Top of a Shelf, and there to renew the Battle again, and to box one another ’till they fell themselves, and demolish’d that very Thing which supported them in their bickering, as the Fool in the Fable saw’d off the Bough he sat on, Oh! this is a very sad Thing indeed, and would make any other young Woman, who had no more Sense then she, hang herself likewise.
But bidding Adieu to the proud Salopians, I went into Cheshire, where the Towns ending much upon the Wich, as Nantwich, Middlewich, Northwich; I thought they affected the Dutch Way of putting one Name to the End of their Towns, as Rotterdam, Schiedam, Amsterdam, and so forth.
In the City of Chester, I happened to lie at a Physician’s House, whose Pretences to Learning were very great, but by our Conversation, I found him to have more Stomach than Brains, and therefore was more like to have more Consolation in the Kitchin, than in a Study; for there, perhaps he might find a Jobb of Work for his Grinders; whereas he knew not what to do with his Books, unless he should act the Moth, and eat them. I perceiv’d his Parts to lie more towards the Powderingtub, than his Pharmacopeia; for whilst he was busy in the former, he might keep himself alive, but when he read in the latter, he would kill his Patients. We had some roast Beef for Supper; and I commonly found him within an Inch of the Dripping-pan, with an Acre of Bread in his Hand, which he call’d a Sop, and with it, when my Back was turn’d, he usually spung’d up the Dripping, whereby he cheated Sir-Loyn, and robb’d his Knighthood of its due Moisture. Hence, I went into the County of Northumberland, where I found Newcastle, almost entirely surrounded with Coal Pits, whence seeing Myriads of Men, as black as Old Nick, ascending out of the subterranean Shops, upon the Surface of the Earth, I imagin’d them to have been so many Cyclops who had been helping Vulcan to forge Thunderbolts for Jupiter. Not liking the Conversation of these English Negroes, I stept over the River Tine into the County of Durham, where, in the City bearing the same Name, I lay one Night; and next Morning taking my Leave of my Landlady, about half a Mile from the Town, I saw a Church-Yard, where was a whole Herd of Swine a routing, as if they had been turn’d in on Purpose to root up Christians, as they are in the Fields in Italy, to dig up Turfles. A little Wall lay sculking about this Territory of the dead, which I suppose, was plac’d there as a Bulwark to their Ashes; but it prov’d but a feeble Fence against the Intrusion of the Lambs, who made frequent Capreols into this silent Dormitory: The Mound was rais’d a little, capt with Turf, and environ’d with the Hollowness of a good handsome Ditch; but yet, neither Cap, nor Ditch could keep these Animals from leap-frogging over them, from grazing in a Charnel-House, and from turning a Cœmitery of Shades, and Ghosts into a feeding Pasture of hungry Beasts.
At last, I got into Yorkshire, where, beyond Northallerton, meeting with a Herdsman, I was almost frighted out of my Wits, for this Fellow was a strange Creature, wonderfully Goth’d, and be-Vandall’d, even to Barbarity itself. He was really a Clown in grain, an uncultivated Boor, a Beast of the Herd in Humane Shape. I propos’d a Query or two about the Genius of the County; he told me the Soil was cold, and big with Clay, and would doubtless yield a good Harvest of Tobacco-Pipes; and as for the Inhabitants, he said, they were a Pap-Pudding Sort of People, much addicted to that vile Sort of Creature. As he said, I saw a whole Table at a Christening, spread with a Yard of Pudding, and a Balk of Beef, a Ridge at one End and a Furrow at the other; which did so wonderfully work upon the Chaps of the Gossips, and make their Mouths water, that the Godfathers and Godmothers fell furiously to Snouting for some few Morsels; mean while the two ear’d Pitcher, that stood upon the Bench, was Mr. Prynn’d in Scuffle, that is, lost a Lug in the Fray; and as I was afterwards inform’d, the Distaff lost a Lock or two of its flaxen Perriwig. The Women of this Country are very coming, and are as great Breeders, as any of our English Quakers; and as for the Men, they are naturally born Thieves, being as dextrous Rogues at Horse-Stealing as a Serjeant at the Poultry, or Woodstreet-Compter in selling Minutes dearer than a Watchmaker. But among rational Wonders in a Village, where I say, the most remarkable Wonder was an eminent Cot-Quean, a meer Woman in the Habit of a Man, a Kind of Mol Cut-Purse Creature, an Epicene Animal of a twisted Gender, who had a Petticoat Soul in a trunk-breech’d Body, and scandaliz’d Virility, by Skill in Housewifery. He spun (the Neighbours said) like a Spider, and made his Wheel giddy by a swift Vertigo. He was a learned Craftsman in the making of Diet, a notable Food-Framer, who buffeted Cream, till he frighted it into a Consistence, and then knocking it into Butter, squeez’d it afterwards with Dexterity of Fist. He was also endow’d with the Gift of tossing Pancakes, and had a wonderful Knack at tempering the Materials of a Bag-Pudding, insomuch, that he surpass’d all the Dairy-Maids in the Milk-Pan Accomplishments; and was also excellently well qualify’d for a Meal-Tub Office. Here I tasted of the Hospitality of this fœmasculine Wight, who spread a Jointstool with several Sorts of Viands, which though not very delicate, yet the Variety might attone and make amends for their Meanness. Here was the Epidermis of a Hog, the outward Skin, call’d the Sword of Bacon, which was infected with the Jaundies, for it look’d very yellow; next, was the Hull of a Pescod, plunder’d of its Pease, and corn’d with Salt; some broken Fragments of Sheeps Trotters, St. Laurenc’d on a Gridiron; the minc’d Spurs of a bootless Cock, a skin’d Quadrant of soft Cheese, well sawc’d with the Butt-ends of forked Scallions; and the mouldy Reversion of an antiquated Loaf, dipt in the Verdure Watercresses Pottage, which afforded me the Refreshment of a pretty Collation: After which I went to Bed, and slept very sound till next Morning. When, getting that Day, into Newark upon Trent, Nottinghamshire, I was no sooner arriv’d into the Navel of the Town, but I saw such an Assembly of Provision as represented a Market, which was unhappily disturb’d by an unfortunate Accident; for a certain Bull of an uncertain Man, having mistaken his Box, and taken Pepper in the Nose instead of Snuff, and being enrag’d and heated by Virtue of the Spice, took a frisk about the Cross, and empty’d by his Ramble all Stalls and Panniers; so that this brisk Customer made a scrambling kind of Dinner for the whole County; for the Mob, alias the civiliz’d Rabble, was riding upon one anothers Backs for Viands and Booty, and was tumbling among the Ruins of Bakers, Butchers, and Costermongers.