Properet malum quodcunque dum terra Herculem
Habet, videtque.
Da, da tuendos Jupiter saltem deos:
Illa licebit fulmina parte auferas,
Ego quam tuebor: sive glacialem polum,
Seu me tueri fervidam partem jubes,
Hac esse superos parte securos puta.
By these Lines we plainly see how miserable Jupiter must be, who cannot be safe from wild Beasts without an Hercules; and then again how little and weak the Poet makes the Gods, in representing them to stand in Need of Human Help: But the tragick Poets do very often err in this Manner, by extolling Things above Nature. Moreover, altho’ some Morality may be learnt by the Judicious either from tragick or comick Writers, yet there are none of the dramatick Poets but what have too much Immorality and Prophaness in their Writings; and hence it follows that either Tragedy or Comedy, as being a Representation of Things, must be of a more pernicious Consequence than an Epick Poem, which is only a Recitation. A dramatick Poet must make the Person which he brings on the Stage to speak exactly to the Character which he or she represents: Thus whether the Person that represents another, is to act the Part of a Tyrant, Adulterer, Villain, Drunkard, or any other wicked profligate Wretch, as the Humour of such Persons must be represented always the same, without any Variety, the Representation of such notorious Crimes may be of an ill Consequence to green Heads; and especially in being Spectators of such Plays, which treat of those Subjects whose Stories are taken from, or belonging to Hell. Farthermore there is as much Buffoonry and Drollery acted on the Irish Stage as on the English Stage, as having Harlequins shewing Merry-Andrew’s Tricks; Scaramouches jumping into Barrels; Dame Ragonda skipping about with 9 Brats at her Heels; or a brainless Fellow, who has more Grimace than Sense, riding upon an Ass, which (I’m sure) is false Heraldry to put Metal upon Metal.
But being as soon tir’d of Dublin, as a Drury-Lane Strumpet is of Beetle and Punny in Bridewell, I left that lewd Town to visit the Country; accordingly I went to Manooth, a Town in the County of Kildare, where I saw nothing memorable, but an old Castle much ruinated by the famous Usurper Oliver Cromwell, of inglorious Memory. Hence I went to Kilcock, a Mile beyond which is a Stone-Mill, said to be built by the Devil; and truly by its strange Contrivance, I’m apt to believe it may be the Workmanship of some infernal Artist. Four Miles forward is Clenard, on the Skirts of which Town is a Bridge over the River Boyn; memorable for the entire Defeat King William gave his Royal Competitor for the Diadem of three Kingdoms. Hence I went to Mullingar; and from thence to Balimore, otherwise call’d Balimore-Lough-Sunderland, or Sivedelie, in the County of West-Meath; but how improper the Derivation is in one Respect, as well as incredulous in another, I leave to your judicious Sense to determine; for Bali signifies a Town in the Bogtrotters Jargon, and More, great; which Epithet is not at all suitable to this Place, when there are scarce 40 Houses in it. But then again to name it Sunderland, or Sivedelie, which signifies a Beetle to beat wet Linnen, the Accident I am going to recite, methinks could not impose upon the Faith of any but a Papist, who makes Traditions an essential Part of his Credo; for as I was inform’d by some dwelling here, there goes a Story of a Maid, living in former Ages, when a Grove grew where this Lough now is, on the North Side of the Town, with a small Brook running thro’ it; and one Day washing in this solitary Place, and accidentally dropping her Beetle into the Water, the Trees in the Grove instantly vanished, and the Ground became a large Lough: Thus by giving too much Credulity to a Lie, this Town begot a Name as long as a Spanish Nobleman’s. In the Church-Yard here I took Notice of a Grave-stone, on which was this insignificant Inscription: Pray for the Soul of Major John Duneel, who departed the 6th of November, 1694; as also for his Wife Elizabeth Jones; and his Sons Henry, William and Richard, who caused this Tomb to be made, Anno Domini 1696. And under it carv’d J. H. S. the Initial Letters of, Iesus Hominum Salvator. Not far from this is another Grave stone over a Miller, with all the chief Tools of his thieving Occupation carv’d thereon: And this Mode I saw was pretty customary among Tradesmen in many Church-Yards in this Kingdom.
Next I went to Athlone, a Town not only situated in the two Provinces of Leinster and Connought, but also in the two Counties of West-Meath and Roscommon. The Shannon, the largest River in Ireland, running from North to South, divides it into two Parts; over which is a Stone Bridge, containing seven Arches, built by old Queen Bess; and on it is cut out a Man and Dog with this Inscription. Robarts Damport Was Overseer of this Workys. Indeed, the Matter is not so material as to be worthy of communicating it to the Publick, but only to let my Readers see their antient way of Spelling, which is not much different from the modern Orthography now in use among ’em; and to delineate the Arrogancy of this petty Officer, who, because Alexander the Great respected his Horse Bucephalus, attempted to immortalize his Irish Cur too. Hence I went to Balidagon, a little Village six Miles from Athlone; but whence this Place takes its Name I cant imagine, unless a Remnant of the cursed Philistines made their Escape from the Slaughtering Israelites, by Swimming over the Sea; and settling in this bye Country, they dedicated these Receptacles of Poverty to their Monstrous God, Dagon. Proceeding onwards on my Pilgrimage, I went to Balinasloe; the People of which small Town are so Zealous, that rather than want a House of Devotion, they assemble in a little Cabbin, where a Bank is raised for the Bog-trotting Congregation to sit on; and such an awkward Pulpit, Desk, and Communion-Table is bestow’d on the poor Levite, that it would puzzle Ingenuity to fathom the Depth of humane Fancy for their true Description: However, taking some Pity and Compassion on these godly Wretches, before I left ’em I compil’d for them the following Stanza’s, call’d