Like Death and Hell ’tis gaping still for more.
But yet for all this Dearth of handsome Women, this Country in another Respect is far happier than England, as being less infected with Lawyers, that common Bane of all Mankind. The wild Irish, in all Courts of Judicature, are sworn upon a Scull; herein being more scrupulous of forswearing themselves, than by taking a false Oath on the New-Testament; as supposing the Ghost to whom that Scull once pertain’d would haunt them, in case they prov’d perjur’d. Assizes are held twice a Year for criminal Matters, and Cases of Nisi prius; and tho’ Astræa left no Print of her Footsteps in this Nation when she fled to Heaven, yet so partial is blindfold Justice here betwixt Man and Beast, that the Stone Pounds for offending Cattle seem stronger built than Goals for Malefactors. Murderers are hang’d and quarter’d; and Rapparees share the same Fate: Which last in former Times was the Militia of the Country, but the mean Souls of the Irish detesting now what is honourable and Praiseworthy, to follow Theft, this martial Denomination suffers the same hard Fate with those honest Names of Tyrant and Sophister, which from Titles of Honour are degenerated into Terms of the greatest Disgrace and Infamy; for a Rapparee now signifies no more than a Robber on the Highway. As for the great Commerce the People drives, that was plainly perceiv’d by meeting neither Waggon nor Pack-Horse 100 Miles an End. The wild Native Irish observe more Days of Fasting and Abstinence than the Rubrick of their Church enjoyns them; because extream Poverty excludes them from the Use of Flesh and Fowl from one Year’s End to another. Their Lodging is in small Cabbins, without Chimneys, put up in the Highways; and in these the Man, his Wife and Children, Cocks, Hens, Chickens, Hogs, Pigs, Cows, Calves and Geese lie all together. If Teague is so topping as to rent a small Potatoe-Garden for 5 Shillings per Annum, he thinks himself as well to pass as that Italian Duke, who’s married Yearly to the Adriatic Sea; however, his Tenement shall be no better furnish’d than the rest of his Neighbours; which is commonly set off with a Truss of Straw to lie on, a Grid-Iron, and Pot to boil Potatoes. These wild People wear neither Shoes nor Stockings, which makes me strongly to suspect that they are born without any, as Monsieur Ragou’s Bastard was without a Shirt; and as often as I behold their tatter’d Apparel, which scarce covers what Modesty ought to conceal, I imagine them to proceed from the Loyns of Ham, who discovering his Father’s Nakedness, the Curse of him and his Posterity lay in never being well cloath’d again.
Here are no Stage-Coaches; and instead of Carts they use only little Cars, with small Wheels without Spokes, so that they cannot carry above 3 or 400 Weight of Tallow, which is one of the chiefest Commodities of this Country. Sliding Carts are also very common, imitating much our Halliers in Bristol. Instead of Soap they use Cackmacrel, that is, the Excrements of Dogs whether thick or thin, which poor Women gather up in the Streets with as great Pains as they do Rags in London. In England Women ride upon the left Side of a Horse, but here they ride upon the wrong Side; and very often astride. Most Things edible or potable are very cheap; but why is that? Because Money is scarce, which makes an English Shillings go for 13 Pence, and a Guinea 1 Pound 3 Shillings, which is considerable above their intrinsick Value. The Inhabitants of this Kingdom greatly admire a Dish of Potatoes, to which they have such an Appetite, that I believe they long for ’em after they are dead; for in most Potatoe-Gardens many Souls, grinning strangely at this delicious Food, which is both Bread and Meat to an Irishman; but whether they get thither by Accident, or some sympathetical Vertue, whose strange Effect proceeding from as strange a Cause, the Relicks of their mortal Carcasses will insensibly creep (like the Sun’s Shadow on a Dial) to what they most affected in this Lite, is a Subject on which I shall not insist. For above 40 Miles together I could not see a Stack of Hay; and Beasts are very small here, excepting the Woman, who being great Breeders, stand hard and fast by that primary Command, Increase and multiply; but I suppose their Obedience to this Precept is more by natural Instinct, than acquir’d by any Knowledge of the Scriptures, to which they are as meer Strangers as the remotest Heathens. So boggy is most part of the Country, that if it is not Lucifer’s Backside, one may very reasonably impute it to be the grand Magazine of Nature’s Impurity. Popery is very predominant; for altho’ severe Acts are made against Jesuits, Monks, and Fryers, yet secular Priests, who own no Ecclesiastical Jurisdiction of the See of Rome, are tolerated to say Mass. Besides, several private Nunneries, the Papists have public Chapels here; one about a Furlong or two without the West-Gate of Galway, dedicated to the Virgin Mary; and another a little without Abby-Gate, dedicated to St. Francis. Superstition has a great Ascendant over their Faith; for about half a Mile without William’s Gate are two Wells, dedicated to the blessed Lady and St. Tavison, round which every Sunday Morning they walk bare-foot an Hour together, mumbling over their Beads, and then crossing themselves with the Water, which they hold to be good against several Infirmities, they return home as little sanctified as they went. The Pulpit-Prayers us’d by the Protestant Clergy in Ireland, are scarce as long as the Lord’s Prayer and Doxology; for they are all as idle as our English Parsons, who don’t preach, but read Sermons, excepting here and there one that scorns to teach his Congregation out of a Book.
From Galway I went to Carmorris, on the left Hand whereof are several Houses paying Tribute to the Ruins of Fire and Sword. Next I went to Balihove, in the County of Mayo; and truly of all the Irish Counties commend me to this for good Fellowship; for here they will kill one another to raise a Rundlet of Aqua-vitæ. As passing through this Country, I overtook a little Car loaded with this Liquor, which they prefer above their beloved Usquebaugh, drawing before a Corpse; and as soon as the senseless Clod was interr’d in an obscure Place among Bogs and Hills, they fell heartily to their strong Sippings, which they drew out into square wooden Cups, and thence took it out agen with Egg-shels, which serv’d instead of Tasters. For my part being a Stranger, they invited me to participate of their Liquor; accordingly I tarried with them, to see their Manners; ’till the Spirits flew so much into their Heads, that one Brother in a Quarrel kill’d another. Hereupon some were for carrying him to Justice, and others again for hiding the bloody Fact; thus whilst a long Controversie held concerning what to do in this tragical Matter, an old Man among ’em starts up, and addresses himself as follows.
“Loving Friends and Acquaintance, in taking our last Farewel of a Neighbour here departed, the Funeral Meeting has unhappily occasion’d the Loss of another. Now if we should deliver up this Criminal to the Government, the Severity of their Justice will deprive us of a third Friend; which Punishment will not retrieve the Life of his unfortunate Brother. Wherefore, to prevent the Survivor’s untimely End, we’ll presently send to see what Goods and Chattles the Deceased owns; and raising therewith another Rundlet of Aqua-vitæ, we’ll privately bury our lately departed Brother, and drink his Requiem, without taking any farther Notice of this Disaster to our heretical Foes”.
These were his Words as near as I can remember, and his Advice being applauded by all the Auditors, another Rundlet of Aqua Vitæ is fetc’d; but by that time it was near out, a fresh Quarrel arose, wherein a second Person was murder’d; which being likewise smother’d and a fresh Rundlet of Aqua Vitæ procur’d, I took my leave of these kind Heats, for fear they should at last raise a drunken Collation out of me. So I made the best of my way for Foxford, a very large Town, with a Church in it, lying among very high Hills. Hence I went to Lorras, an excellent Harbour for Ships, situated in a Bay, twining among exceeding high Mountains. Thence I went to Sligo, which hath a strong Citadel, by a Bridge containing Eight Stone Arches. Hence I went to Grange; from thence to Balishannon, a Seaport Town; hence I went to Donnegal, a Town situated on a Hill, and was burnt by the Duke of Berwick, in the late Irish Wars. Hence I went over Barnsmoor, a Mount Ten Miles in Length, in the Province of Ulster; but about a Mile before I came to the End of it, Colcrockeda [or the Hangman’s] Wood begins; where a great many Tories or Rapparees have been hang’d, when they made their solitary Receptacles in this desolate and dangerous Place for robbing. Hence I went to Rapho, a Bishoprick, with a very little Church in it. And next I went to London-Derry, the People whereof have such good Stomachs as to eat Cats, Rats, Dogs and Horse-flesh in time of a Siege. The most remarkable Thing I saw hereabout was the Gallows, which stands about half a Mile out of Town, and is of a Triangular Form, like our Triple-Tree at Hyde-Park Corner; but as yet has not honour’d the Roman See with so many Saints and Martyrs as that in England.
From London-Derry I went to Colrain, a Seaport Town divided by the Byrne Water into Two Parts, so that it stands in the Counties of Derry and Antrim, which last Shire is much haunted with Fairies, who are so mischievous as to fling Darts at People as they Travel in the Night. I saw one of ’em, which is a flat solid Stone, about Two Inches long, and in Shape like a Vamp or upper Leather of a Woman’s pecked Toe Shoe; one side white, t’other inclining to the same Colour, but speckled with red Spots; and is reckon’d very medicinal, if us’d according to Prescription, for the sore Teats of Cows. The Irish People, I perceiv’d all the Way I Travell’d, are haughty of Heart, implacable in Enmity; light of Belief, and patient per Force in Hunger and Cold. Damage-fesant is seldom committed, because here are few or no Hedges; nor can Forrest Laws be in much Use, when I saw not one from one End of the Kingdom to the other. Brogues are more worn than Shoes by both Sexes; their Mouths supply the Use of Bellows; a Pail of Water serves ’em for a Looking-Glass; and Cleanliness is as much unknown to them, as the Discoveries of Christopher Columbus to the Antients. The richer Sort of Women wear blue Cloth Cloaks, in all Weathers, as a Type or Symbol of their Desire of wearing the Breeches too; but their Husbands to mar their Intentions, generally wear Trowsers made of Frize, which is the staple Commodity of the Country. The midling Rank of Women wear Riding-Hoods; and the Poor ones clad themselves with course Mantles, thrown over their Kerchiefs, which are as black as their Bodies, and their Bodies as black as their Souls, but yet their Souls are blacker than either; if it was but for their Malice, contrary to the 11th Commandment, commanding, That ye love one another.
Tho’ the Women differ in their Habits, yet both Gentle and Simple count Decency in Dressing meer Idolatry; and that their Stockings may hang flatteringly about their Heels, they have utterly forsworn the Use of Garters. Those who are married are generally dull and sottish, so that when their Husbands come home, they look like so many Passion-Pictures, presenting ever Sadness and Melancholly; which makes the poor Cuckolds like Spaniards, who will leave their Saviour at any Time for a Maidenhead, look as dull. Yea, an Irishman loves a Whore as well as a Frenchman; and tho’ the Superstition of former Times accounted a Woman of such Pollution, that the Council of Eliberis would not suffer a Man to touch her three Days before his receiving the Sacrament, yet in Defiance of all Councils, they will forsake Sacraments, and all things else holy, rather than go without a Bit of old Hat: And this Practice of abstaining from Women at certain Times, was (I suppose) in Use among the antient Heathens, according to this Caution of Tibullus.
⸺ ⸺ discedat ab aris,