From Colrain I went to Antrim, thence to Belfast, and thence to Donaghadea, where you may dine at 12 at Noon, and by Water get to Port Patrick in Scotland, by 3 in the Afternoon. It being natural for the Irishmen to be as Jealous as Spaniards, from whom they pretend to be descended, they will not let their Wives wear Smocks, to prevent their Neighbours from taking up their Linnen; and if a Man has a great Estate here, he cannot with the Psalmist say, My Liues are fallen to me in pleasant Places. The Hazel Wood in Ireland is obnoxious to Snakes, which expire in the Circles made with them; nor will a Toad, or any other venomous Creature, live in this Clime: But the Reason why the Soil is so blest, is because the People are curst.
THE
Comical Pilgrim’s Pilgrimage
INTO
HOLLAND.
Returning from Ireland to England again, and being still of a roving Mind, I was dispos’d to go to Holland, I think it was on the longest Day in the Year, call’d Barnaby bright, when going down to Margate in the Isle of Thanet, where Austin the Monk landed to convert Kentish Infidels, I went on board the Swiftsure, a third Rate Man of War, on which Admiral Shovel had hoisted his Flag, in his convoying King William then over to Holland. A fair Wind favouring us, we soon arriv’d upon the Coast of Holland, which I perceiv’d was so low, that the People had the Advantage of other Nations, for if they die in Perdition, they have a shorter Cut to Hell than the rest of their Neighbours.
I landed at the Briel in the Isle of Voorne, where is good Accommodation enough for Travellers, but only they pay dear for it. Hence I cross’d over the Maes River to the Isle of Roosenburg, for 5 Stivers; and for 3 more I cross’d over for Vlaerding, and by that Time I got thither, I found the Ground so light all the way, that a strong Earthquake would shake the whole 17 Provinces of the Netherlands into a Chaos. Most of their Dwellings in this Town, as well as other Places, stand like Privies in moated Houses, hanging still over the Water; and had St. Stephen been condemn’d to suffer here, he might have been alive this Day; for unless it be their paved Cities, Gold is a little more plentiful than Stones; except it be living ones, and then for their Heaviness you may take in almost all the Nation. It is a singular Place to fat Monkies in, for there are Spiders as fat as Shrimps; and a starting Horse endangers you two Deaths at once, breaking your Neck and drowning. Holland hanging most in the Water, it seems but a Bridge of swimming Earth; and if Ætna be the Mouth or fore Gate of Hell, surely here is found the Postern, where the full Earth doth vent her crude black Gore, which the Inhabitants do scrape away for Fuel, as Men with Spoons do Excrements from Civit Cats. They dress their Meat in Aqua cælesti, for it springs not as ours from the Earth, but comes to them as Manna to the Israelites falling from Heaven. This they keep under Ground ’till it stinks, and then they pump it out again for Use; So when you wash your Face with one Hand, you had need hold your Nose with the other; for tho’ it be not a Cordial, yet is it certainly a strong Water; and an English Bailiff prefers it far beyond Mint Water. Their Ditches they distinguish into Nooks, as my Lord Mayor’s Cook does his Custards; and every Dutchman being his own Herald, Escutcheons are as plentiful among the Boors as Gentry is scarce.