I think Madam, I have said enough to justify both Sexes, in the gratifying of their Amorous Desires, tho' they be married; for 'tis not strange at all to hear that Men and Women have been married, and yet have been uncapable of answering the Ends of Marriage, or satisfying the Delights of Venus. It is not long since I was told of a young pretty Virgin that happen'd to be married to a Man who was deficient in his Virility, which the poor thing (being asham'd to speak on't and not knowing any other Remedy) laid so to heart, in a short time it kill'd her: But had I been acquainted with her, I could have helpt her to a brisk young Man, one that had given proof of his Sufficiency, which shou'd have eas'd her pain, and sav'd her Life. And therefore, Madam, since married Persons may stand so much in need of my assistance, and much more may they that are unmarried, who doubtless have the same desires that married People have: Nay, their Desires are generally more impetuous; for finding of their Natural Concupiscence stirring 'em up to a desire of Copulation, they apprehend that there's more in't then what they find, when once they come to try. And these things, Madam, in Italy (as I have heard by several) are so common, that 'tis scarce thought a Crime: Or, if it be, 'tis but a venial one, as all the Devout Doctors of the Roman-Church, (nay, and the Pope himself) assures us: And therefore Madam, to deal freely with you, I have long since declar'd my self a Roman Catholick, for that Religion allowes us the most Pleasure while we live, and promises us Heaven when we die. And having thus given you an Account both of my Calling and Religion; I come now to Perform my promise, in giving you the History of my Life.
The Place of my Nativity was the Imperial Chamber of Great Brittain; my Father being an Haberdasher of small Wares; and had as much to do as most Men of that Calling; And whilst he liv'd, he gave me all that Education that the most Wealthy Citizens bestow upon their Daughters, he keeping me at Board at Hackney-School. And when grown up to Marriageable years I wanted not for store of Sweethearts, and some of them of very good Estates: and yet my Father thought none good enough. But he being one that was a great and zealous Stickler for the Parliament in opposition to the King, and thinking that Charles Stuart (as then they call'd King Charles the Second), would never be Restor'd, laid out his Money in Purchasing of Crown-Lands, having (as he thought) got a mighty Peniworth: But Oliver being dead, and Charles the Second coming in, all his Estate was lost; and he forc'd to abscond; the grief of which soon after broke his heart. My Father being dead, and his Estate lost by the Kings Restauration, my Mother quickly took me from the Boarding-School; and those whom I had scorn'd before, begun now to scorn me as much; my hopes of a good Portion being gone, my Sweet hearts quickly Vanish'd; but being a Young Maid and pretty handsome, an old rich Batchelor that had a kindness for me in my Father's Life-time, (whom both my Father and myself had then deny'd) thinking that in this Ebb of Fortune he might be more Successful in his Suit, again made his Addresses to me; and tho' I had as great an Aversation to him then as ever, yet he was mightily Encourag'd by my Mother; who thought in our decclining State, he might support our Family: And therefore she not only shew'd him all the Countenance he cou'd desire, her self, (for whom indeed he wou'd have been a fitter Match) but also charg'd me likewise to receive him well, for he must be my Husband. And when I told her I cou'd'nt love him, she call'd me Fool, saying, I shou'd Marry him first, and love him afterwards: And when I farther objected our Disparity in Age she answer'd with another Musty Proverb, That 'twas good taking Shelter under an old Hedge; and that it was far better being an Old Mans Darling, then a Young Mans Worldling: And tho' this didn't Satisfie me, yet I soon found I must have him or none; For having been brought up too high to make a working Tradesmans Wife, that Portion now was gone that should have helpt me to a better Husband. And therefore making a vertue of Necessity, I began to be more Complaisant to my Inamorato then I had been formerly; which quickly won his heart to that degree, that in a short time after we were married—And tho the first Night that I went to Bed with him, I was a Maid, and so knew nothing of that which a new Married couple ought to do, more then what Nature dictated; yet I then thought he went about his Business like a Fumbler, and did that little which he did, at such a rate, it had almost as good have been let alone; for what he did, serv'd only to stir up in me greater Desire for what he couldn't do. I found the exercise he offer'd at, had something in it that was very pleasing, which in the heighth of the Encounter I was disappointed in. And I must own, that I found this a very sensible Affliction, and caus'd in me a greater Aversion to my Husband than I had before: And therefore I resolv'd to try what those venereal Recreations were; I had but an imperfect Taste of, as soon as I could get an opportunity.
Nor did I wait long before my good Fortune put one in my hand; For my Husband's Prentice, a handsome brisk young Man (who had but about two years time to serve) I had observ'd was very sweet upon my Maid, who was handsome enough; and having observed that he courted her, I used to watch them, and by that means knew both the time and place of their Courtship; where they used to spend some hours in an Evening when the shop was shut, according as they could find opportunity. By my listening and over-hearing their Amorous Discourse, I perceiv'd he solicited her hard for her last Favours, which she would not consent to; and being resolved to improve this opportunity to the accomplishing my own Desires, having over-heard 'em make their next appointment, when the time drew near, I call'd my Chambermaid down (for she it was that the Prentice courted) and sent her of an Errand at a considerable distance, that she could not be back in two hours time, taking care to see her out of doors my self by a back pair of Stairs, so that I knew the Prentice cou'd know nothing of her being abroad, my Husband very fortunately being absent likewise, I went to the place of meeting my self; and the young couple being accustomed to converse without any Light, as being unwilling to be discovered, I seated my self where my Chambermaid used to do; and the Apprentice coming as usual, came up to me, and caress'd me; whereupon I clap'd my Hand upon his Mouth, as a signal of his being silent, and then embrac'd him very tenderly; and he being extasy'd with this soft Entertainment, which was very pleasing to him, he was so far blinded with his Passion, that he made no farther search, but imagining that his Sweet heart was now come to his Terms he push'd on his design, and met with such a compliance from me which he did not so easily expect; and I must say, That I had not till that Time tasted the delights of Love: For he manag'd his Business with so much Briskness and Vigour, that I was very much pleas'd with the Encounter. When we had both performd our Parts to equal Satisfaction; I caught him about the middle, and told him he shou'd not go, till I knew who he was; for I made him believe I knew him not, and first thought it was my Husband, but happened now too late to find the contrary. My Spark at this was much surpriz'd, and his Amorous Passion exchang'd into Fear; and therefore begging of my Pardon, he told me he took me for the Chambermaid, and desir'd I wou'd conceal what had happen'd, and not ruine him. Well, well, said I, I'll keep your secret; but it shall be on this condition, that you think no more on the Chamber-Maid; and get you to Bed forthwith, otherwise it will be worse for you. And this I enjoyn'd him, lest he should have told the Maid. My Spark was very thankful that I suffer'd him to come off so well, and accordingly went to Bed. The next Morning I paid my Maid her Wage, and turn'd her off, not letting her so much as bid her Lover adieu. After which my young Spark and I us'd to have frequent Rencounters, to each others mutual Satisfaction: And I us'd to supply him with Money for his Pocket Expences, furnishing him always with what he wanted; until at last our kindness for each other was taken Notice of by my Husband; who not being willing to have a Publick Talk made of it, gave him up his Indentures when he had a year and a Quarter to serve.
This was a very sensible Trouble to me; for having been used to those Delights which my Youth and high-feeding requir'd for about three Quarters of a Year, it became very irksome to me to be abridged of 'em. And my Husband being grown Jealous of me, by the familiarity he had observ'd me to have with his Man, after he had turn'd him off, as I have related, gave me this Gentle Reproof:
Wife, you cannot but be sensible that your Familiarity with your Man is become a Town-Talk; I have done what I can to prevent it, by turning him away; but if you don't mend your Manners, and Reform your Life, all that I can say, will be to no purpose. I am afraid you han't been Innocent in this matter: But since what is past cann't be recall'd', I will say no more of that; but I expect for the time to come that you avoid both his and all other suspicious Company: You know I took you without a Portion at a time when your Family was fallen to decay; and I maintain you as well as any Citizens Wife in London; and for you to requite me with being false to my Bed, is not only to be very Dishonest, but highly Ingrateful. And therefore as you expect the Continuance of my Love, pray let me find a Reformation of your Manners.
To this I answer'd him, That 'twas possible that a Free and affable Temper, as mine was, might give too much occasion to those that had no kindness for me, to speak evil of me: And that if to be accus'd, was enough to make one Guilty, it was impossible for any to be Innocent. However, since the Freedom I had us'd had given such occasion of offence, I wou'd take care for the future to walk more Circumspectly, and be more Reserv'd. With this promise, my Husband was very well satisfy'd, and thereupon Embrac'd me very tenderly.
But all this was only like the raking of a few Ashes over live Coals, which in a little time break forth again, and burn more violently. My Husband's Impotency being now about Seventy, grew daily more upon him; and my desires after that due Benevolence he could not give me, still increas'd, so that what he cou'd not do for me, I was under a necessity of getting done elsewhere, And knew no other Person to whom I cou'd repair for a Supply, but he who had so often done it to my own content before: To him therefore I found means to send a Letter, appointing him to meet me at such a Place and Time, which he accordingly did, and there we had that mutual Enjoyment which we both desir'd: And tho' we met thus several times, it was with so much Caution, for fear of a Discovery, that we were often forc'd to change both Time and Place, and take new measures.
One Night above the rest, when I was sure he was engag'd to stay late at the Tavern, I had obliged my Spark to give me a meeting at our House; and had on that Occasion, sent all the servants up to Bed, upon pretence that they must must rise early in the Morning. When they were gone to bed, and all was sure, my Servant enter'd, with all imaginable Privicy and Caution; and then, without much Ceremony, enter'd upon those melting Joys we both so eagerly desir'd, Which we had hardly finish'd, before my Husband (who had dispatched his Business quicker than we had done) knocks at the door; which I no sooner heard, but springing from the Arms of my affrighted Gallant, I took a Sheet out of the Chest of Drawers in the Chamber, and tying it with a Copped Crown upon his Head, I made him look methought just like some Fornicator, a going to do Pennance in a Parish Church, and then turning him into the next Room, I bid him, if my Husband came in thither, (who was a very timerous Man, and almost trembled at the Talk of Spirits) to Counterfeit a Ghost, by which means I wou'd quickly use a Stratagem which shou'd Relieve him without Danger. And as soon as he had put himself into a Suitable Posture, and Plac'd himself in a convenient Corner to play the Devil with my Husband, (in case the Cuckold should come into the Room which he had taken for his Sanctuary) I fram'd a Counterfeit Smile, and let in my Husband; whom I received with very kind words, and gave him a dissembling Kiss or two; and then putting on his Flannel Night Cap, and fetching him his Slippers, which he put on, we went up Stairs together; In the mean time, the Ghost had found a piece of Whiting; which the Maid happen'd to lay there to make the Chimney fire next morning; and this he takes and breaks to pieces, and daubs his Face all over with it, that he then look'd more pale than Death itself; insomuch that even I was almost startled at the first glympse of him. Before my Husband went to bed, he always went into the Dining-Rome to Prayer; which I appear'd as forward for as he, and presently brought him a Cushion, upon which he kneels down, and falls a Praying; not as yet seeing the Ghost: But as he was at Prayer, my Spark endeavouring to get the Weather-Gage of him, that is, the Door: my husband chanc'd to spy him, which so disord'd and affrighted him, that he was ready to sink down. Before he spy'd him, he was praying thus. Thou know'st Lord, there are wicked people in the World, and some of them have wrong'd me very much, but Lord, I hope thou wilt be even with 'em, and let 'em have no rest till they acknowledge it, and make me Satisfaction for all that wrong they have—(then seeing the Counterfeit Ghost, he forgot his Prayer, and cry'd) O Lord, O Lord! What's this? What's this? O Lord! O Lord!—and then rises up, and makes towards the Door, which the Ghost seeing beckens him; at which he cries I won't, I won't, I won't! In the mean time, tho' I knew what the matter was, I run to him, and cry'd, Dear Husband what's the matter? As if I had been frighted; and went to hold him; but he struggled to get from me, crying out The Devil! The Devil! The Devil! Where, where, said I? I see nothing, O 'tis yonder, 'tis yonder, 'tis yonder, says he! See how it stares and beckens to me I see nothing, not I, says I: And with that, the Ghost came nearer us; at which my Husband run into the Bed Chamber, and I after him; and shut the Door to us. By which means my Spark had an opportunity to go out without Discovery. My Husband immediately got into Bed, and cover'd himself over Head and Ears, and then thought he was pretty safe, and charged me presently to put the Candle out: Which I obey'd, and straight went to Bed to him; being well pleas'd I had so cleverly brought off my Lover.
The next Morning, I ask'd my Husband what the matter was that made him so extreamly discompos'd last Night: Why, says he, did you see nothing last Night? Not I, said I, but only you dissorder'd as you were praying: O Love, said he, I saw Death coming towards me as plain as I see you; and I believe I shan't trouble you long; for Death held up his hand and beckon'd to me several times: 'Tis nothing but your Fancy sure, said I, for I saw nothing, 'Tis certain true as you are there: And that you cou'd not see it, makes it more Evident that Death came only unto me. But how do you know, said I, that it was Death, if you did see something? Know! says he, why I knew it very well, and if you'd seen it you'd a said of it as I do: For never any thing look'd more pale in the World. The very thoughts of it frightens me still—Besides the kindness that contrivance did me to make way for my Gallant's escape that time, 'twas very serviceable to me afterwards; for the Remembrance of the Ghost was always so fresh in my Husbands memory, that he wou'd never venture into the Room again by Candle-Light. So that my Love and I had other Assignations afterwards: and if my Husband happened to come home before he went, it was but putting him into the Dining-Room and he was safe enough, for I was sure my Husband never wou'd come there.
Thus I advantage of his Weakness made,