May 23.—Oh my poor heart flutters like a bird when it contemplates the extent of its bereavement as a husband, a father, a missionary. Oh, what have I not lost! Dear Lord sustain my poor weak faith. Thy gracious visits sometimes comfort my soul; yet my days move heavily on; but the Lord who redeemeth the souls of his servants has declared, that none of those who trust in him shall be desolate. Lord I believe, help thou mine unbelief. I do indeed desire with my whole soul to cast myself into the ocean of thy love, and never to let Satan have one advantage over me, by instilling into my heart hard thoughts of thy ways. Surely we expect trials, and if so, and thou sendest one other than we expected, should it surprise us when we see but a point in the circle of thy providence, and thou seest the end from the beginning.
May 24.—To-day Kitto has been very unwell.
May 25.—To-day the dear baby is very unwell, but Kitto better. Thus the Lord interchanges his merciful trials and merciful reliefs. I feel one great want, “To be filled with all the fulness of Christ,” that there may be no room for those fluctuations, which from short intervals of sweet peace, plunge me into depths of sorrow and astonishment: yet I know the Lord will heal, he will bind up what he has broken. O my soul, wait patiently on him to learn all, I know he would teach thee: let patience have her perfect work, for the trial of our faith is much more precious than of gold that perisheth. My eyes are daily, hourly looking unto the Lord for a little ray of light, but as yet I see none: yet we know that they that trust on the Lord shall not walk in darkness, but mercies shall encompass them about.
May 26.—To-day, thank God, all our household are tolerably well.—All accounts from without say the plague is ended. May the Lord grant it!
May 27.—My dear baby still very poorly. Dear Lord, I commit this tender delicate flower to thy loving gracious keeping. Oh my God, my soul has been much cast down within me; but thou hast enabled me to remember thee from the land of Jordan, and the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar. O Lord, only let thy love appear shining through the clouds that surround me, and my soul will rejoice; it is only when the adversary prevails so far as to say, He loves thee not, that my soul is overwhelmed within me; for if I have not the Lord, whom have I? for vile and worthless as all my manifestations of love have been, cold and dead as all my worship, low and doubting as all my confidence has been, yet Lord, all my desire is to love thee better and serve thee more singally, who art infinitely worthy of all love and all service. How strong our tower seems till the Lord blow upon its foundations, and then much that looked so fair, flies like the chaff of the summer threshing floor, and meet it is, if the immoveable parts of Christ’s own building be found to connect the poor fluttering soul with the Rock of Ages. Oh may my soul drink daily more and more deeply into that spirit of adoption and love, and assurance of the Lord’s favour, that gilded the last year of my dear, dear Mary’s life.—Lord, I feel I am a very child; but Lord, lead thou me by thine own right hand. Oh my heart longs for Christian communion—some one to whom I can talk of Jesus and his ways, and with whom I may take counsel; yet it now seems as though many months must elapse before our dear friends can come from Aleppo, but the Lord knows what is best, and to him we leave all our cares, and the providing for all our necessities. I pray the Lord to pour down his Holy Spirit upon my poor heart, and strengthen it for trials. It was one of my dearest Mary’s greatest comforts, as it has been mine, to know so many of those who were dear to the Lord, and had purposed wholly to follow him, were praying for our guidance and welfare;—this used to be in our evening walks, on the roof of our house, a theme of thanksgiving, and used daily to draw out our hearts to the Lord for the continual dew of his blessing upon them. Oh when they hear of all the Lord’s dealing, may their spirits be stirred up within them to pray that I may be filled with him who filleth all in all. I long to love my Eternal God—Father, Son, and Spirit, more with all my undivided heart; the coldness of my love—the lowness of my desires is my abiding sorrow.
May 28.—To-day came letters from England, but Oh, how strangely altered; those very letters which would have animated anew all our endeavours, and led us to praise God together, had dearest Mary been here to share them, came winged with passages that wrung my heart. But still the love of the saints of God, of those we love, has much sweetness in it; and then again to hear of our dear sister’s thoughtful love towards our tender little babe in providing her clothes, which, while they are doing, my heart heaves with the prospect of losing the sweet little flower—so tender—so needing more than a mother’s care. But the Lord is most compassionately gracious, and what he does not reveal, he will hereafter.
I have also had intelligence to-day that my dear brothers and sisters had been two months ago on the point of setting off for Aleppo; but whether they received news of the plague and returned, or are waiting at Anah, I know not, but I greatly need them—yet still the Lord knows best how much I need them, and when.
When I think of my lowness in the attainments of the divine life, my little knowledge, and less love of my dear Lord, I wonder how he has so graciously allowed me a place in the hearts of his chosen, and that he should allow our weak, tottering, and faithless walk, to encourage the young and lusty eagles to take their higher flight is wonderful; but it is that the glory might be his.
In concluding this portion of my journal, I shall just take a little view of the last two years, as it is now within a few days of two years since I left my dear, dear friends and native shore.