July 2. Saturday.—Dear baby has suffered so much from her eyes to-day, that it tried my heart to the very bottom. And in addition to all this, the state of things here is assuming an alarming aspect. Without the city walls, the numbers of those who wish to plunder the city are increasing; and within, the same tendency is manifested among those who are intended for its protection, so that my heart has been at times very much pressed down; yet the Lord has sustained me. In the evening, as I was looking out, I saw the man come into the court yard, who brings and collects letters for Aleppo, and in his hand a letter for me. With what eagerness did I seize it, and anticipate its contents. Yet though good tidings, because tidings of the Lord’s blessing them, and being in the midst of them, it contained tidings peculiarly heavy for me to receive at this moment, as it not only led me to anticipate no present prospect of seeing my dear brethren from Aleppo, but that it seemed very doubtful if it would be their path to come at all; at least if they did, it would be purely to join me, and this surely would not be the path of duty. I, however, receive this last trying providence at my loving Father’s hands, adoring his love whilst I know not the modes of his going forth. It has not weighed me down so much as I thought it would; and the Lord allows me to feel assured he will yet do something for me. They seem to wish me to join them, but I do not yet see my way clear to leave this place to which the Lord has brought me. I feel daily more and more that my place in the church is very low, and it matters very little where I am for any good that is in me: yet by remaining, I keep the way open for those who are more able, and whose establishment is more important. I know my Lord will not cut me off from personal improvement by all his darkly gracious dealing, and perhaps I am now learning another part of that hard lesson, neither to glory in or trust in man. But still I bless God he is giving my dear brethren a door of utterance and prospects of usefulness where they are, and may my joy ever be in proportion to the glory that is brought to his blessed name, and the prosperity of his kingdom. Until the Lord, therefore, raises his fiery cloudy pillar, and bids me forth, I shall pursue my plan of endeavouring to converse in Arabic till the Lord is pleased to open my mouth by degrees, or as he please, to publish his whole truth. Should he send me some dear brother to help and comfort me, may he give me grace to praise him; if not, to hope in him and find in himself all I need. To the dear boys it has been a great disappointment, for it was the constant theme of their conversation, and a cheering expectation to see friends from England. However, our dear Father will order all things well; and I bless him exceedingly for sending out to Aleppo, our dear brethren and sisters. The Lord may make this event, which now seems so awakening and trying, yet for the furthering of the gospel in these lands: in fact, I should be almost sorry for all of the brethren to leave Aleppo.
July 5. Tuesday.—I have had some interesting conversation with three poor people from Karakoosh,[35] a town about five hours from Mosul, composed of Roman Catholic Syrians. Every information I receive from that quarter, convinces me that Erzeroum, Diarbekr, and Mosul, would be most interesting head quarters for a missionary. The man told me that the Nestorians of the mountains, (like the Scotch) go once a year to receive the sacrament, whether upon their erroneous principle, or that from living scattered among the mountains they cannot make it convenient to meet often, I know not. The Syrians of the villages near Mosul speak among themselves Syriac, but in asking them if they understood the old Syriac, which is read, they reply, imperfectly; so that I have no doubt, for any instructive purpose, it is perfectly unintelligible, what with the mode of reading, and the difference of language. These are deeply interesting countries to those who can be happy in bestowing all their strength in planting under the prospect that others will reap the fruits. The Lord will water their way with little streams of comfort, and manifestations of the prospect of the future; but the preparatory work in these countries must occupy at least many, many years of missionary life. I shall never feel a missionary till I can deliver my message clearly and intelligibly; till then, I endeavour to drop a word, as it may be offered, and to instil a principle as an occasion may occur, or by seeking an occasion. The difficulty of this first step I daily feel to be increasing—I mean only that my sense of the difficulty is increasing; but the Lord daily comforts me, amidst the delays and trials of faith, by the clearest conviction of the large sphere of usefulness there is when once this is attained.
All things in the city continue in the most unsettled state.
Some of the lawless depredators came again to our house the day before yesterday, and wanted arrack; but they went away quietly, and they only talked about cutting off my head; but all this in mere bravado. The Lord thus graciously takes care of us. They look on me as a sort of dervish, because I do not drink arrack, nor use weapons of war, nor take men to guard my house.
July 9.—The camp of those without the city is moving down to-day towards us; and we hear a continued firing of cannon. It is reported they are come within half an hour’s march of the city. The issue is in the Lord’s hand. Nothing can exceed the fear and want of confidence that prevails throughout the city, every man’s heart failing him for fear of those things which may be coming on us. Oh! what a resting place is the Lord’s experienced love, and the assurance that all shall work together for good to those that love him; yet living thus in the midst of constant alarm, makes my heart sometimes long for that sweet, quiet Christian communion which I left behind in England.
July 10. Sunday.—In conversation to-day on the subject of invoking the Virgin Mary, with some Armenians and a Jacobite, I was struck with the readiness with which they all submit to Scripture; and this seems universal among all those who are not ecclesiastics by profession, or Roman Catholics. The curse of obstinate blindness seems to be left to those who join this apostate church, for truly it may be said of them, they come not to the light, because their deeds are evil—not their deeds as members of society, but as professed members of the mystical body of Christ.
Our Lord’s days are solitary—none to tune Zion’s harps. Oh! how it makes the soul long for the courts of the Lord, where we may go up with the crowds to keep holiday; how precious now would appear some of those seasons of Christian communion which we enjoyed in dear England and Ireland. When dear Mary was with me, we had an unceasing source of happiness in conversing on our common hopes in our common Lord. Our communion also with our dear friends was thus rendered vivid, aided as it was and encouraged by the help of correspondence and conversation; but now letters have almost ceased to come, and I have no one to commune with. In addition to all this we are besieged, and every necessary of life is nearly three times its usual price, very bad, and to be got with difficulty. All night we hear nothing but firing and drums beating, and men shouting—all this, too, at present, without any prospect of termination, for those who are come against the city, are not strong enough to enforce the change they design, and those within have little to fear, so long as they have money and provisions to give the soldiers, which they say they have for two years;[36] so those who suffer are the poor people, who cannot help themselves. The Pasha of Aleppo is about an hour’s distance; it does not seem to be his wish to act offensively against the city, but only to get into his power those few whom he wishes to displace and behead. Yet how much have I to bless God for, in that he keeps the little boys so free from alarm. Blessed Lord! these are indeed scenes and times that lead the soul to desire thy peaceful happy reign. Sometimes the sense of my dear, dear Mary’s peace, safety, and joys, makes me feel my burthens lighter than though she had been with me; for to have those you love in such scenes is trying in proportion to this very love, which so sweetens times of mere labour or peace. I am sure the Lord has dealt lovingly, and will.
July 14.—Since the ninth we have had little occurring but firing of guns from the citadel, and the noise and confusion at night occasioned by the soldiers.
A circumstance has occurred to-day which a little tries me. The Armenian Priests are both dead; and the Armenian servant of Mrs. T. has asked if she might receive the communion with us, the next time we received it. Now, while I feel in my own soul that she knows nothing of the power of the divine life, yet how far I have authority from God’s word to set up this, my private feeling, in the absence of any thing palpable to fix on as an objection, I do not see. I feel so utterly unworthy to place myself in the situation of a judge in such a case. I feel so exceedingly low in the divine life—I experience so little of the power of that life which was in Christ, subduing all things to the obedience of the Father’s will—that I feel she may object more to my being accepted than I could to her. Yet, notwithstanding all this, I am conscious there is a difference—though I am only on the lowest step of Jacob’s ladder, yet I do desire to ascend higher into the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to descend lower in my own esteem, so to be able to say without the pollution of affected humility, I feel myself less than the least of all saints. The divine life appears to me daily more and more a deep internal personal work, without which all external exertions and exercises will come to nothing; however fair, it will be at best but a fruitless blossom, that withers as soon as blown. Oh! how difficult it is not to deceive oneself with the appearance of Christian graces instead of the substance; how difficult not to substitute the act for the spirit; that monster pride, how hard it is to kill, how chameleon like it changes its colour and seems to live on air, yea, on very vanity.
July 18. Lord’s Day.—The warlike sounds of the cannon and mortars have abated within these three days. Oh that the Lord would quickly terminate this hateful civil strife. Yet at present there seems no prospect.