August 7. Lord’s day.—This has been a day of trials and tears. The visions of the night were filled with her I have lost, and the day has been spent in weeping over her, I am soon, very soon, to lose; but this is only nature, my soul rests happily in my Lord. I had given up a little for his dear service! but he knew where the heart’s reserves were, and has put his hand on them; yet, blessed hope, that gilds these darkest days—the day of the Lord is at hand, when we shall meet to part no more. Oh, may my heart live with this blessed vision ever before it, and labour each day for the Lord, as though it were to be the waking vision of the morning’s dawn. My heart is very sad to think how profitless a servant I have been; but I do purpose, the Lord enabling me, to be more diligent, more devoted in the future.
My mind has been much exercised with the question of the desirableness of keeping a journal of the soul’s inmost workings; but after reading and thanking God for those of others, I feel I never could write one without the fear of its publication, and this would keep my soul in a continual struggle, either by tempting me to say too much or too little, more or less than the truth; for, if any but my most gracious and loving Lord knew me as I am, I should hide myself for ever from the face of man. Yet I pray the Lord, that he will by his Spirit write a journal on my soul, that I may truly feel how very meek and lowly it becomes me to be when I think of all his forgiveness, notwithstanding my transgressions against him. I feel there was something peculiarly gracious in my Lord’s not sending me away to my sufferings and trials, till he had given me a cordial, in the assurance of his unchanging love. Oh, but for this, what would my past trials have been, had I not felt assured my Lord’s love did not fluctuate with my feelings, nor depend upon my worthiness. Oh, what a blessed passage is that in Rom. v. “If, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more being reconciled we shall be saved by his life.” Yet the more I feel of this assurance of such unmerited love, the more hateful sin appears in all its shapes, and the more my soul desires entire devotedness to the whole will of God, and conformity to my gracious Lord.
Aug. 9.—A contest has sprung up between the troops and the inhabitants of the city, in which, from the continued firing, I should fear there has been much slaughter. Our neighbours are also again making barricades across the street, near our door. I sometimes think I am too impatient under these trials, instead of being thankful for the mercies I enjoy, and waiting without anxiety upon the Lord to work as seemeth good to Him in his own time. I hope to strive more and more after this childlike confidence, which his experienced love so richly deserves.
I did not expect my sweet little baby would have survived yesterday, yet she has this morning a little revived.
In the hourly expectation of being plundered, I have put such things as I should be sorry to lose in a hole made in the wall, by the falling of a room. Yet I trust I am quite content the Lord should do as he sees best, even with respect to these. I sometimes sigh to join my dear Mary in the kingdom of peace and joy, and be ever with the Lord. Oh, may the Lord fully and quickly make me meet for the inheritance of the saints in light.
Aug. 13. Saturday.—The Arabs made an attack on the other side of the town to-day, but were repulsed. Another messenger from Bussorah is arrived, but stripped and plundered of our letters, and detained four days a prisoner by the Arabs. He has been near a month on his way. Bussorah, like Bagdad, is still besieged.
Aug. 14. Sunday.—My dear little baby and some others of my patients have occupied much of my time to-day; for though I give the people generally to understand, that unless in cases of necessity, I would rather see them on any other day; yet, there are many whom I have felt it to be my duty to see. The remainder of the day, however, was rendered profitless by extreme weariness, I having had to walk about with my poor little withering flower several hours through the night. I feel these trials all arise in what appears to me my present plain path of duty, so they do not greatly trouble me; though the progress in the language is almost altogether in abeyance; but, if I confine myself to my Lord’s will, I feel he will manage all for me.
I have had with me to-day an Armenian gunsmith, who has resided some years in Damascus; he says, the Christians there are treated very well, for though they will not allow them to ride on horseback in the city, yet, as inhabitants, they are well treated. He says, they are also very numerous, inhabiting not less than 15,000 houses; but, if from this we deduct 10,000, we shall probably be nearer the truth. The Jews are not so well treated. From Shaum (Damascus) to Beyraut, on the coast, is four days journey, to Acre four, to Tripoli six, to Aleppo ten, and the roads quite safe. From Damascus to Jerusalem is seven days journey, but through an unsafe country. On the journey from this place to Damascus, the only dangerous part of the road is between this and Hit, on the Euphrates, four days journey hence; after that a certain sum is paid to the Arab tribes, you may pass through. From Persian travellers, whom they hate, they extort, when they know them, a much greater sum, amounting sometimes to from £10. to £20. between this and Damascus. He says, you come to fresh water every second or third day.
Aug. 19. Friday.—Every thing seems darkening in this wretched city. Numbers of poor people are crying at the gates to be let out, that they may not be starved in the city; but they will not let them go. All the necessaries of life have risen to five times their usual price, and the pressure of this is increased tenfold by the time at which it has occurred. The bricklayers, carpenters, every trade has entirely ceased its occupations in the city since the commencement of the plague; so that all day-labourers, such as weavers and others, are thrown out of their employments, and without means of gaining their bread. In addition to this, the Arabs are breaking into every house where they expect to find a little corn or rice, so that it is a difficult choice either to be without provisions in danger of starving, or of being broken in upon by such ruffians, and stripped. We intend to bury a little box, containing some rice, and flour, and dates, under ground, that in the event of their breaking in, we may yet secure food for a few days, which may give us time to look about. The Lord, however, is very gracious, and will not try us above our strength, but will magnify his grace even in these scenes of trial and distress. The care of my dear little dying baby has taken my mind much off from dwelling on the distressing position in which we are, and, for aught I at present see, are likely to continue in, for those within the town feel it is their heads for which they are contending, and will therefore hold out to the very last. Yet in this whirlwind the Lord rides and reigns, and no part of the mystical body of Christ, however humble the member, will ever be forgotten: on this we rest and wait for light and deliverance.
Aug. 23. Tuesday.—Saturday last they made a sally from the city against a tribe of Arabs, friends of Ali Pasha, and after putting them to flight, and killing 100, they cut off the heads of 150 in cold blood afterwards. It appears that the obnoxious parties within the city are anxious to place the whole inhabitants of the city on such terms with the assailants that they shall fear the consequences of their entering the town as much as themselves. They have allowed about 5000 of the very poorest to leave the city, but the enemy without will allow no more to pass. A letter came yesterday to Mr. Swoboda from a Bohemian, who is physician to Ali Pasha, in which he desired to communicate to all the Franks, that Ali Pasha had given the strictest orders to his soldiers not to molest one of them. To a certain extent this manifests good intentions; but we have had too much experience of the powerlessness of governors at such times to restrain their soldiers, to have much confidence in man: our confidence is in Him who will and does watch over us for good. From the daily increase in the price of provisions, and the daily coining new lies to feed the people with hopes instead of bread, I think things cannot remain long in their present position; yet the Lord knows. It is certain Bagdad is altogether ruined; and if those who belong to the neighbouring villages, and those who would leave it, were there ever so small an opening, were gone, the city would be a desert.