The Graftons: A Novel

by Archibald Marshall

He could only decide such a matter on his own conscience, which had given him a strong leading. He was quite sure that the Bishop would respect his decision. Couldn't they accept it now as having been made, and help him in looking forward and preparing for the new work he had undertaken?

This plea seemed to show a slight weakening. They drew from him the admission that his letter of refusal had not yet been posted, and set themselves ardently to induce him to reconsider it. Under the violence of the attack he seemed to waver, though the streak of obstinacy in him, almost more than the weight of his convictions, was all the time stiffening him under the appearance of indecision, which was only the result of not being able to find immediate answers to each and all of their arguments.

The battle moved its scene from the dining-room to the drawing-room, and raged with varying degrees of heat until it was nearly time for family prayers. It flared up hotly when Denis told them that he had spent the night with the Vicar of the London parish of whom he had already accepted a curacy; for he had to admit that he had been in negotiation about it for some time, and they pointed out to him with some truth that if he had told them of this, instead of keeping it himself as if it were a shameful secret, all the present trouble would have been avoided. And was it possible that he had said nothing to the Bishop about it, when he had had that long talk with him, and he had been so kind?

In their offence at having been kept in the dark themselves, they had not at once fastened upon this, the weakest of all places in the young man's armour. Why had he not told the Bishop, in that talk in which the announcement of such a decision would only have drawn the kindest sympathy and the wisest advice? He had asked himself that question many times during the hour he had spent by himself battling with his temptation, and there had been no answer to it for which he could take any credit to himself.

For the temptation of the world, as represented by the Rectory of Surley, had been almost overwhelming, and although he had set in hand his arrangements under the belief that there was little likelihood of its being offered to him, he had not had the courage to make the offer impossible. He had set out to burn his boats by entering into correspondence with the London Vicar, but he had not been able to bring himself to apply the match, and it is doubtful if he would have done so later if he had not spent that evening with the devoted priest who had fired his spiritual ambition afresh. Coming down in the train he had reproached himself greatly for his vacillation, and his boats had flared up behind him in a most illuminating conflagration. He reproached himself unsparingly for having, as he now saw, desired to gain from the Bishop's views defence for a young man's burying himself at the outset of his career in a comfortable country living, instead of trying to gain from him support for his higher ambitions. But he could not disguise from himself that his lack of frankness must appear most blameworthy to the man to whom in such a talk he had owed frankness above all things, and indeed, as he blushed hotly to think, simulated it.

Well, he had committed a grave fault, and must abide its consequences in lessened estimation of him by the man with whom he would have liked to stand well. But to disguise the fault by taking a reward for it would not help matters, and was an act which, in the sensitive state of conscience he had reached, would be impossible to him. The very fact that he had led the Bishop to imagine that he would be ready to accept the responsibilities and emoluments of Surley now prevented his doing so, more than any other fact.

But it may be imagined how much of this his sisters were able to accept, in their state of irritation and anger against him. They could only see the inexcusable fault, and it seemed to them the strongest reason yet advanced why he should obey their urging.

The poor badgered young man rose from his seat of purgation, saying that it was nearly time for prayers, but that he would rather not conduct them to-night, not feeling in tune for them, and would go to his study.

Then they fell upon him for wanting to avoid the very thing that would most help him to come to a right decision, and pointed out how very wrong his ideas must be since he could not even face his devotions.

So the servants were summoned, and he read and prayed before his household, and gained some solace and support from doing so.