It may be objected, that as so many of my actions might cause remark or offence when in company with others, I must at all events have shaken off this restraint when alone. But alas! Even then I was the slave of precaution; and is it not striking, or rather ridiculous, that at night, when in the boundless desert and at a considerable distance from the caravan, I did not venture to eat the unleavened bread, mixed up with ashes and sand, or take a draught of stinking water without accompanying it with the customary Mahometan formula of blessing! I might have thought to myself, no one sees you, all around are asleep; but no! the distant sand hills appeared to me like so many spies, who were watching whether I was saying the Bismillah, and whether I had broken the bread in the proper ritualistic manner. Thus it happened when in Khiva, that, when sleeping alone in a dark cell, bolted and barred, I started up from my couch at the call to prayer, and began the troublesome labour of the thirteen Rikaat. When at the sixth or eighth, I had a great mind to leave off, thinking I was safely out of sight. But no! it struck me, that perhaps the eyes of a spy might be watching me through the crevice in the door, and conscientiously I performed my unpleasant duty.
Only time, the universal panacæa, could remedy this evil. Although my moral sufferings were considerably more painful than the physical ones, time and habit came to my aid, and gained me here also the victory, and after having lived happily through four months, my mind had grown as hardened to any fear or terror as my body to dirt and uncleanliness. The epoch of indifference succeeded, and with it I began to feel the true charms of my adventure. I was attracted above all by the unlimited freedom of our life as vagrants, the total absence of trouble as to food and clothing, the gratuitous manner in which the dervish had everything provided for him, and, in addition, the mental superiority which he exercises over the people at large. No wonder, then, that I lost no opportunity in amply profiting by the advantages of my position. My companions admitted that I possessed eminent talents for the life of a dervish, and whenever the question rose how to get money from hard-hearted villagers, or to beg and collect a larger store of victuals, I was always entrusted with that part of the business. I one day brilliantly justified the confidence thus placed in me, in an encampment of Tchandor Turkomans. These, the wildest of all nomad people, had the reputation of being exceedingly wicked, and Hadjis, Tshans and Dervishes habitually avoided going near their tents. Having been told of this I set out on my way, accompanied by three companions who were known as famous singers, and taking with me a goodly store of holy dust, Zemzem water, tooth-picks, combs and the like gifts, presented by pilgrims. Some received me rather coldly, but yet the son of the desert, however wild he may be, cannot resist the words or the mimics of a dervish's strategy, and not only did I receive ample presents in the shape of wheat, rice, cheese and pieces of felt, but I succeeded in persuading one of the men to load his own ass with this harvest, and take it to our astonished caravan.
Success leads to boldness. No wonder, then, that after several successful expeditions, I assumed a demeanour in which many will trace a certain degree of impudence. And, indeed, I can hardly refute this accusation entirely, but how was I to have done otherwise? No European can realize to himself what it is to stand, a disguised Frenghi, (this word of terror to orientals,) face to face with such a tyrant as the Khan of Khiva, and to have to bestow upon him the customary benediction. If this man were to discover the dangerous trick, this man with the sallow face and sinister look, as he sits there surrounded by his satellites—such an idea is only endurable to a mind steeled to the highest pitch of resolution. At my first audience I appeared really with a step so firm and gesture so bold, as if my presence were to bestow felicity upon the Khan. All looked at me with astonishment, for submissiveness is befitting to the pious and saints. However, they thought such was the custom in Turkey, and I heard no remark made about it.
Such bold measures, however, were seldom necessary, and, in its ordinary routine, the life of a dervish has often given me moments of the greatest happiness. Without feeling any inclination to imitate the Russian Count D——, who, wearied of the artificial life of Europeans, withdrew into one of the valleys of Kashmir, turning beggar-dervish, I must confess that a peculiar feeling of enjoyment came over me when, basking in the warm rays of the autumnal sun, either in some ruin or other solitary spot, I could, in true oriental manner, absorb myself in vacant reflection. It is inexpressibly pleasurable to be rocked in the soft cradle of oriental repose and indifference, when one is without money or profession, free from care and excitement. To us Europeans such an enjoyment of course can only be of very short duration, for if our thoughts turn at such moments toward the distant, ever-active, and stirring west, the great contrast between these two worlds must at once strike the eye, and instinctively we feel attracted towards the latter. European activity and Asiatic repose are the two great subjects which occupy the mind, but we have only to cast our look upon the ruins scattered around us to see which of the two follows the right philosophy of life. Here everything is on the road to ruin and servitude, there everything leads to prosperity and the sovereignty of the world.
These varied scenes of life, in which I moved during my incognito, were far from being devoid of attractions, as many a prejudiced European might imagine, although they naturally could fascinate but for a time. I was truly frightened one day, when the Khan of Khiva proposed to me seriously to marry and settle in Khiva, since persons of such extensive travelling as myself were far from disagreeable to him. The idea of spending my whole life in Turkestan, with an Œzbeg wife for my partner, was horrible, and I should certainly have thrown up my plans if I had been obliged to accept the offer; but, as it is, I shall certainly never repent having spent a few months in an adventure which ended happily. I say never, for even the remembrance of all I experienced is indescribably sweet, and even now, when already more than three years have elapsed since my return, I find every circumstance as fresh in my memory, the whole scene as near and vivid, as if I had arrived with my caravan only last night, and were obliged to start off again on the morrow, and load my ass for the journey; as often as I think back on my fellow-travellers, the most pleasant feelings are re-awakened in remembrance of that intimate and hearty friendship which existed between us. We chatted, laughed, and bantered with each other on our long day's march, as if we could not wish for a more enjoyable existence; it was above all my merry humour which greatly pleased them, and my jokes and puns afforded to them an endless source of amusement when we were alone, for in public we all of us wore the long, stony faces suited to the gravity of our character as holy men. What would they say if they could see me now in the midst of so many unbelievers, and dressed in a garment so ridiculous in their eyes, the forked garment, as they designate European trousers?—me, in whom they and the rest of the world believed to see a true specimen of a western Mahometan Mollah! I must confess that although the pleasant episodes of my incognito are even now frequently the cause of cheerful moments of recollection, the sad hours of suffering and extremity of danger loom like black clouds on the horizon of the present. Their gloomy shadows remind me vividly of past terrors, and even now, whenever I start up in my sleep, haunted by oppressive dreams, it was very often His Majesty, the Khan of Bokhara, or the frightful tortures of thirst, or a fanatic group of Mollahs, who, hastening hither from Central Asia on the wings of Morpheus, honoured me with a visit. How happy do I feel on awaking, to find myself in Europe, in my dear native country, in my peaceful home!
I have often been in critical, nay, extremely critical situations, but on the whole only a few episodes have left behind on me such an impression as never will be effaced, and which, from being associated with the most imminent danger to my life, will never be forgotten by me as long as I live.
I.
The evening in the Khalata desert, when, after having endured for two days the torments of thirst, I felt, with the last drop of water, my vital energies gradually ebbing away. Around me were lying many of my fellow-travellers, suffering, probably, as acutely as myself, to judge from their wild, haggard looks, and rigid features. Raising my heavy head with the greatest effort, I met the glance of those near me. They all seemed to be looking at me with expressions of bitter resentment, for during the afternoon I had heard the old ascetic, Kari Messud, repeat several times, "We are, alas! the propitiatory victims for some great evil-doer who is amongst us in our caravan." Possibly not one of them referred to me, but I felt, nevertheless, full of anxiety. Meanwhile the hour of evening prayer was approaching. Only a few could join in it. The sun was fast setting, and, as the last rays lit up the unhappy group of sufferers in that vast desert, I could not help casting a look towards the spot, where from the horizon he sent his last beams towards me,—that spot, which we call the west, the beloved west, which I had little hope to live to see the next morning again; and with unspeakable sadness I clung to the word 'west;' my half-exhausted senses revived anew, for with the word returned the thought of Europe, of my beloved home, my early departure from this world, the hard struggles of my past life, the wreck of all my aspirations, of all my pleasant hopes. My heart nearly broke with the burden of this great sorrow; I longed to weep, but could not. This moment is one of imperishable memory; the terror of that scene has impressed itself indelibly on my mind, and whenever my thoughts turn towards the Khalata desert it will rise and haunt me like a phantom.