‘No,’ she said. ‘With another man. That was in Brixton, when I was a girl living with my father; my mother was dead. He was a barrister—I mean the man I was in love with. He had only just been called to the Bar. I think everybody knew that I had fallen in love with him. Certainly he did; he could not help seeing it. I could not conceal it. Of course I can understand now that it flattered him. Naturally it did. Any man is flattered when a woman falls in love with him. And my father was rich, and so on, and so on. We saw each other a lot. I hoped, and I kept on hoping. Some people even said it was a match, and that I was throwing myself away. Fancy—throwing myself away—me!—who have never been good for anything! My father did not care much for the man; said he was selfish and grasping. Possibly he was; but I was in love with him all the same. Then I met Frank, and Frank fell in love with me. You know how obstinate Frank is when he has once set his mind on a thing. Frank determined to have me; and my father was on his side. I would not listen. I didn’t give him so much as a chance to propose to me. And this state of things lasted for quite a long time. It wasn’t my fault; it wasn’t anybody’s fault.’
‘Just so,’ I agreed, raising my head on one elbow, and listening intently. It was the first sincere word I had spoken, and I was glad to utter it.
‘The man I had fallen in love with came nearer. He was decidedly tempted. I began to feel sure of him. All I wanted was to marry him, whether he loved me a great deal or only a little tiny bit. I was in that state. Then he drew away. He scarcely ever came to the house, and I seemed never to be able to meet him. And then one day my father showed me something in the Morning Post. It was a paragraph saying that the man I was in love with was going to marry a woman of title, a widow and the daughter of a peer. I soon found out she was nearly twice his age. He had done it to get on. He was getting on very well by himself, but I suppose that wasn’t fast enough for him. Carlotta, it nearly killed me. And I felt so sorry for him. You can’t guess how sorry I felt for him. I felt that he didn’t know what he had missed. Oh, how happy I should have made him! I should have lived for him. I should have done everything for him. I should have ... You don’t mind me telling you all this?’
I made an imploring gesture.
‘What a shame!’ I burst out.
‘Ah, my dear!’ she said, ‘he didn’t love me. One can’t blame him.’
‘And then?’ I questioned, with an eagerness that I tried to overcome.
‘Frank was so persevering. And—and—I did admire his character. A woman couldn’t help admiring his character, could she? And, besides, I honestly thought I had got over the other affair, and that I was in love with him. I refused him once, and then I married him. He was as mad for me as I had been for the other one. Yes, I married him, and we both imagined we were going to be happy.’
‘And why haven’t you been?’ I asked.
‘This is my shame,’ she said. ‘I could not forget the other one. We soon found that out.’