MRS. CULVER. I wish you wouldn't try to be funny.
CULVER. I'm not trying to be funny. I am being funny.
MRS. CULVER. You might be serious for once.
CULVER. I am serious. Beneath this amusing and delightful exterior, there is hidden the most serious, determined, resolute, relentless, inexorable, immovable man that ever breathed. And let me tell you something else, my girl—something I haven't mentioned before because of my nice feelings. What has this title affair got to do with you? What the dickens has it got to do with you? The title isn't offered as a reward for your work; it's offered as a reward for my work. You aren't the Controller of Accounts, I happen to be the Controller of Accounts. I have decided to refuse the title, and I shall refuse it. Nothing will induce me to accept it . Do I make myself clear, or ( smiling affectionately ) am I lost in a mist of words?
MRS. CULVER ( suddenly furious ). You are a brute. You always were. You never think of anybody but yourself. My life has been one long sacrifice, and you know it perfectly well. Perfectly well! You talk about your work. What about my work? Why! You'd be utterly useless without me. You can't even look after your own collars. Could you go down to your ridiculous
office without a collar? I've done everything for you, everything! And now! ( Weeping ). I can't even be called 'my lady.' I only wanted to hear the parlourmaid call me 'my lady.' It seems a simple enough thing—
CULVER ( persuasively and softly, trying to seize her ). You divine little snob!
MRS. CULVER ( in a supreme, blazing outbreak escaping him ). Let me alone! I told you at the start I should never give way. And I never will. Never! If you send that letter of refusal, do you know what I shall do? I shall go and see the War Cabinet myself. I shall tell them you don't mean it. I'll make the most horrible scandal.... When I think of the Duke of Wellington—
CULVER ( surprised and alarmed ). The Duke of Wellington?
MRS. CULVER ( drawing herself up at the door, L ). The Duke of Wellington didn't refuse a title! Hildegarde shall sleep in our room, and you can have hers! ( Exit violently, L .)