CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS.
INDESTRUCTIBLE FOOD—Our odorless rubber oysters are all the rage; cheap and durable; especially adapted to use in restaurants and at church fairs; will always wear; we refer by permission to the Ladies’ Aid Society of the Church of the United Brotherhood, which purchased sixteen gallons of our oysters five years ago, and is using them still; will remain in a stew five hours without corroding. Perennial Bivalve Company, 149th street.
LOST—From the upper deck of a suburban airship, a lady’s picture hat; the hat was caught in a whirlwind and is believed to have landed somewhere near Fort Collins; its return in good condition will insure a generous financial acknowledgment to the finder.
MISCELLANEOUS.
DON’T GO TO CHURCH—Have one of our kinetophones placed in your house; connects with all leading churches; you can shut off sermon whenever you wish. LONG DISTANCE RELIGIOUS COMPANY; factories in Denver and Brooklyn.
GENTLEMEN—Buy our Breath Deodorizer; fumes of Bourbon, old rye and lager removed instantaneously: splendid thing for those contemplating attending evening parties or the theater.
LADIES, READ THIS—Cinderella Shoes will make a No. 6 foot that requires an E last look like a narrow No. 1; comfortable and durable; each pair has a patent hypnotizing attachment that deceives even the most envious and spiteful women who catch a glimpse of the shoes when worn.
NO HOUSEHOLD COMPLETE WITHOUT ONE—We absolutely guarantee that our Electric Equalizer will dissipate any domestic storm and insure harmony in families; so simple that a child can operate one; so delicate in adjustment that the first angry word sets free a soothing magnetic current; for sale by every drug store and dry goods shop. Manufactured by the Anti-Divorce Mercantile Company.
FARMING IN 1999.