To understand,
You must hear all. You know my life—how vain
Its occupations, how absorbed I moved
In this day's folly and to-morrow's lure—
How petty trifles made my whole small round
Of being—selfish trifles, nothing worth,
Stained with a cruelty that I would forget.
That night we talked together—you and I
And Oldham—in your rooms, I wandered home
Sorely distressed. For you had stirred in me
A gnawing doubt whether the whole of life
Was not mere child's play.
FAUST
I am sorry if—
BRANDER
It was the kindest act man ever did
In all my life! I peered into my heart:
I saw myself Judas to innocence,
Betraying lightly with a careless kiss
A mortal body and immortal soul;
I saw no thing in all my days to claim
A sane man's approbation; one by one
Each glittering bauble that I late had loved
Crumbled to dust beneath the parching fire
Of reason.... And that night, I walked in Hell.
FAUST
Poor Brander! And my mocking did all this?
BRANDER
Thank God for it! That night I saw my joys
Like some rank thicket of bright vanities
Masking a precipice. A sense of sin
And loathing overcame me, and the power
Of utter terror filled me. I beheld
The evil riot of gross earthy things
That had o'ergrown me. Like a burden lay
That sense upon me, and it pressed me down
To a despondence deep beyond all words,
Beyond all thought. And no escape I saw
Except the bullet....
FAUST