“You are right. I don’t understand. But you had better ride on with me. If you are really ill, we are nearer to Samac than Poabja; and if there is news you ought to know, it may mean a grievous waste of time to have to ride back to Poabja.”
How aptly the plea fitted with my desires. It was true, too. She might, after all, have need of me. There was just the chance that matters had been misrepresented. It could do no harm for me to be in Samac. I need not see her even if I went there.
Karasch watched me closely as I sat letting these thoughts and others of the kind influence me; and he believed that he was persuading me and bringing me back to my right mind.
“I shall be very little use without you, Burgwan, if there is really more trouble. We ought to make sure. We should be cowards to desert her now.”
“I wonder which way the real coward would decide to go, Karasch. For the life of me I don’t know;” but I wheeled my horse round again and we rode on toward Samac.
After all I was not now going to see her, I said to myself. I would just make sure, as Karasch had suggested, that all was well with her, and then hide myself until she had left. That was how I shut the door and turned the key against those uncomfortable words of the priest about chivalry and self-denial. After all it was perfectly consistent with chivalry to assure myself of her safety to the last minute, and yet keep away; while as for self-denial that would be all the greater if I did not see her when close to her at Samac than if I remained five miles off at Poabja.
Yet in my heart I knew perfectly well I was going to see her. I was going to play the coward and to force myself upon her at the risk of causing her pain; aye, even with the prospect of losing her esteem.
I did not ride so fast now, and thus Karasch could talk. He wanted to talk about her; what we should do when we reached Samac. But I could not stand that, and each time he began I mumbled some incoherent reply and struck my heels into my horse to get away from him; and at last he gave up the attempt.
I knew that I was going to ride straight up to the railway depot where I should find her; but I would not admit this even to myself yet, and certainly would not put it into plain words.
Presently he chose another topic.