The servant who came in after Norah was a young woman whose godfathers and godmothers (stupid people) had christened Rosetta, as if she had been a Duchess. As of course I wasn’t going to have any of my menials answering to a stuck-up name like that, I gave her to understand that I should allow no such things in my house, indeed, but would take the liberty of altering pretty Rosetta into plain Susan. She was a nice, clean-looking girl, and was—what, I dare say, some persons would call—pretty, for her features were very regular; still it was not my style of beauty. And though her complexion certainly was clear and rosy, still there was too healthy and countrified a look about it to please me; for to be perfectly beautiful, it wanted the interesting air that indisposition always gives the face; for it is universally allowed by all well-bred people that a woman never looks so well as when she appears to be suffering from bad health. She had a pair of very fine blue eyes of her own; but I must confess I never was partial to eyes of that colour, for they always seem to me to want the expression of hazel ones. (Dear Edward says mine are hazel.) To do the girl justice, her mouth was the best feature she had in her face, and yet there was something about it—I can’t exactly tell what—that wasn’t altogether to my liking. Her figure, too, certainly did look very good for a person in her station of life; but all my fair readers must be as well aware as I am that things have lately come to such a pretty pass, and an excellent tournure can be had for so little money, that even one’s maid-servants can walk into any corset-makers and buy a figure, fit for a lady of the highest respectability, for a mere trifle; and such being the case, of course there is so much imposition about a female’s appearance now-a-days, that really it is impossible to tell what is natural and what is not. When the conceited bit of goods came after the situation, she looked so clean, tidy, and respectable, and had on such a nice plain cotton gown, of only one colour—being a nice white spot on a dark green ground,—and such a good, strong, serviceable half-a-crown Dunstable straw bonnet, trimmed very plainly; and such a nice clean quilled net-cap under it; and such a tidy plain white muslin collar over one of the quietest black-and-white plaid shawls I think I ever saw in all my life, that I felt quite charmed at seeing her dressed so thoroughly like what a respectable servant ought to be; and I’m sure I was never so surprised, in all my born days, as when her late mistress (who gave her an excellent character) told me the reason why they parted with Susan was, that she was inclined to be dressy; so that, after what I had seen of the poor girl, I said to myself—Dressy, indeed!—well, if they call her dressy, I should just like to know what dressy is! and engaged her, accordingly.
The first Sunday after she had come into the house, however, I found that her late mistress wasn’t so far out in the character she had given the minx; for lo and behold! my neat, unpretending chrysalis had changed into a flaunting fal-lal butterfly. For after she had gone up stairs to clean herself that afternoon, if my lady didn’t come down dressed out as fine as a sweep on a May-day. Bless us and save us! if the stuck-up thing hadn’t got on a fly-a-way starched-out imitation Balzorine gown, of a bright ultramarine, picked out with white flowers—with a double skirt, too, made like a tunic, and looking so grand, (though one could easily see that it could not possibly have cost more than six-and-six—if that, indeed,) and drat her impudence! if she hadn’t on each side of her head got a bunch of long ringlets, like untwisted bell-ropes, hanging half way down to her waist, and a blonde-lace cap, with cherry-coloured rosettes, and streamers flying about nearly a yard long; while on looking at her feet, if the conceited bit of goods hadn’t got on patent leather shoes, with broad sandals, and open-worked cotton stockings, as I’m a living woman—and net mittens on her hands too, as true as my name’s Sk—n—st—n. I had her in the parlour pretty soon, for I wanted to ask her who the dickens she took me for. Of course, she was very much surprised that I should object to all her trumpery finery and fiddlefaddle; and she knew as well as I did that the terms I made when I engaged her were—ten pounds a year, find her own tea and sugar, and no followers, nor ringlets, nor sandals, allowed; and that if, in the hurry of the moment, I had omitted to mention the ringlets and sandals, it was an oversight on my part, for which I was very sorry; so I told her that I would thank her to go up stairs again, and take that finery off her back as quickly as she could, and never, as long as she remained under my roof, to think of appearing before me in such a disgraceful state again. When she went out that afternoon to church, the girl had made herself look something decent, and was no longer dressed out as showily as if she was the mistress instead of the maid.
Indeed, this love of dress seemed to be quite a mania with the girl; for I am sure the stupid thing must have gone spending every penny of her wages upon her back. And do what I would, I couldn’t prevent the conceited peacock from poking her nasty, greasy bottles of rose hair-oil and filthy combs and brushes all among the plates and dishes over the dresser. And I declare, upon looking in the drawer of the kitchen table one morning, while she was making the beds up stairs, if I didn’t stumble upon a trumpery sixpenny copy of “The Hand-Book of the Toilet,” which soon told me that the dirty messes I had been continually finding in all the saucepans, were either some pomatum, or cream, or wash, which she had been making for her face or hands. And a day or two afterwards, while I was down stairs seeing about the dinner, if the precious beauty hadn’t the impudence to tell me that she wished to goodness that her “hibrows met like mine did, for it was considered very handsome by the hancients;” and in a few minutes afterwards, the dirty puss informed me that the Hand-Book of the Tilet said that you ought to clean your teeth every morning, and that she had lately tried it, and had no hidea that it was so hagreable; and then, with the greatest coolness imaginable, if she didn’t advise me to rub my gums with salt hevery night before I went to bed; for that the lady of rank and fashion who, she said, was the talented hauthoress of the little work, declared that it made your gums look uncommon lovely and red. On which I told her that I was disgusted to find her head filled with such a heap of rubbish as it was.
But really the stupid girl’s vanity carried her to such lengths, that she was silly enough to allow any man to go falling in love with her who liked, although I must say that I don’t think there was any harm in the minx. Still it was by no means pleasant to have a pack of single knocks continually coming and turning the poor thing’s head on your door-step—so that it was really one person’s time to be popping out of the parlour and telling the girl to come in directly, and not stand chatting there with the door in her hand. But when she found that my vigilance had put an end to her courtships on my door-step, she soon discovered another means of corresponding with her admirers in the neighbourhood. For one morning, when I went into the back bed-room to put out some clean pillow-cases, and I happened to go to the window for a moment, I was never so astonished in the whole course of my existence as when I saw that impudent monkey of a footman belonging to the S—mm—ns’s (whose house is just at the bottom of our garden) holding up a tea-tray, on the back of which was written, in large chalk letters, “Hangel, Can I Cum To Tee;” and I immediately saw what the fellow meant by his tricks; so I crept down stairs as gently as I could, and in the back parlour I found, just as I had expected, my precious beauty of a Susan perched on a chair, and holding up my best japanned tea-tray—that cost me I don’t know what all—and on the back she had written with the same elegant writing materials—“Hadoored One! You Carnt Cum—Alas! Missus Will Be Hin.” So I scolded her well for carrying on those games, and daring to chalk her nasty love-letters on my tea-trays, telling her that hers were pretty goings on and fine doings indeed.
And really if it hadn’t been for Edward’s aversion to changing, I do believe I should have packed her out of the house—as indeed I wish I had—then and there; for the way in which she went on towards me really was enough to make a saint swear, (though I’m happy to say I did not.) For, in the first place, the reader should know that I’m more particular about my caps than any other article of dress. Indeed, I do think, that of all things, a pretty cap is the most becoming thing a married woman can wear; and if I can only get them distingué, (as we say,) I don’t mind what expense I go to, especially as it is so easily made up out of the housekeeping by giving my husband a few tarts less every week, and managing the house as prudently and for as little money as I possibly can. But I declare, no sooner did I get a new cap to my head, and one that I flattered myself was quite out of the common, than as sure as the next Sunday came round, that impudent stuck-up bit of goods of a Miss Susan would make a point of appearing in one of the very same shape and trimming—only, of course, made of an inferior and cheaper material; and though I kept continually changing mine, as often as the housekeeping would admit of my doing so, still it was of no use at all; for the girl was so quick with her needle and thread, that she could unpick hers and make it up again like mine for a few pence; and the consequence was, that any party who had seen either of us only once or twice, would be safe to mistake one for the other—which I suppose was her ambition—drat her. This got me nicely insulted, indeed! for one day, after having had a very nice luncheon of two poached eggs and a basin of some delicious mutton broth, together with a glass of Guinness’s bottled stout, I got up and went to look at the window; and I was standing there with my head just over the blinds, when the policeman came sauntering by, and seeing me—I declare if the barefaced monkey didn’t turn his head round and wink at me! I never was so horrified in all my life; for of course I couldn’t tell what on earth the man could mean by behaving in such a low, familiar way towards me; and as I remained rivetted with astonishment to the spot, I saw him stop after he had gone a few paces past the house, and—I never knew such impudence in all my born days!—begin kissing his hand as if he wanted to make love to me. So I shook my fist at him pretty quickly; but the jack-a-napes only grinned; and putting an inquiring look on his face, pointed down to our kitchen window, and made signs with his hands as if he were cutting up something and putting it into his mouth, and eating it. So I very soon saw that my fine gentleman was mistaking me for that stupid, soft, fly-a-way minx of mine down stairs, and only wanted to come paying his pie-crust addresses to Miss Susan and my provisions. So I determined to let him know who I was, indeed; and went to the street-door to show myself, and just take his number, and have the fellow well punished for his impertinent goings on: but no sooner did the big-whiskered puppy see me, than he went off in a hurry, like a rocket, as fast as his legs could carry him. When I had up Miss Susan, and questioned her as to whether she had ever given the man any encouragement, she told me a nice lot of taradiddles, I could see by her manner, which put me in such a passion, that I declared if ever I caught her making up her caps like mine again, I’d throw them right behind the kitchen fire—that I would.
Though, really, when I came to reflect, in my calm moments, upon the girl’s conduct, there was every excuse to be
“Followers!!!”