“Hush-sh-sh!” he said, in a whisper, “or you’ll be letting that old she-dragon of a missus of yours hear you, and then it will be all up with my beefsteak-pie, angel! And that will never do, for I’ve just refused a splendid offer of tripe and onions from a lovely cook in Osnaburgh-street. So, once for all, do you mean to come down or not?—or I shall have that angel’s tripe all cold before I get back to her.”
“Go along with you!” I cried out, unable to contain myself any longer, now I had heard all he had got to say—“go along with you—I’m that she-dragon of a mistress, and if you are not off, I’ll give you in custody——”
But the words were scarcely out of my mouth, before Mr. Ned Twist ran away as fast as his legs would carry him; and as he turned the corner, I caught a glimpse of the handsome fellow’s face by the gaslight, and knew that he was one of the very men who were always coming and asking if Mr. Smith lived there.
In the morning, when I inquired of Miss Susan whether she was acquainted with one Ned Twist, in the Life Guards, of course she knew nothing about the gentleman; and, unfortunately, I had forgotten to wheedle out of the man the name of the party he really had come to see, so that I could not fix her with anything positive.
George Cruikshank “It’s my Cousin M’am!”
But I determined to clear up all doubts about the matter, and so I set a trap, into which my lady fell, and I caught her as nicely as ever she was caught in the whole course of her life. I told her that I was going round to dear mother’s, to tea, (though of course I never intended to be silly enough to do anything of the kind;) and accordingly I left the house, and went to make a few little odd purchases in the neighbourhood, and then returned in about an hour’s time, saying that, unfortunately, mother was from home, (though, for the matter of that, I didn’t know whether she was or not.) It was very easy to see that my lady was quite flustered at my coming back so unexpectedly. Of course I went straight into the parlour, and told her to bring me up the tea-things, and then I shouldn’t want her any more; for I wasn’t going to be such a simpleton as to go down then, as I felt convinced that directly she heard my knock at the door she had stowed away her gallant son of Mars in the coal-cellar. Just as I had expected, the tea things came up in about half-an-hour. When she brought them, I pretended to be fast asleep on the sofa, and about five minutes after she had put them on the table, I crept down stairs so softly that I declare I could scarcely hear my own footstep; and on opening the door suddenly, as if I wanted to go to the wine-cellar, lo, and behold! there my Life Guardsman was, true enough, and as far as I could judge, Mr. Ned Twist himself—and though all the things had been cleared away, still from the gravy and bits of pie-crust that were hanging to the fellow’s mustachios, I could see that my gentleman had been at my beef-steak pie with a vengeance. Miss Susan, however, was far from losing her presence of mind, and was even with me in a minute; for she rose from her chair, and introduced me to Mr. Ned Twist, saying, “My cousin, Mam,” while her cousin (pretty cousin, indeed!) jumped to the other side of the room, and drawing himself as straight up as a six-foot rule, put his hand sideways to his forehead, as a mark of respect to the mistress of his relation, (Augh, I can’t bear such deceit!) As he was a great tall man, and I was a poor lone woman, with my husband in the country, I thought it best to be civil to the good-looking monster, (though I could have given it him well, I could!) so I begged of him not to disturb himself, but to sit down quietly, and make himself quite at home with his cousin. Then I went up stairs, and putting on my bonnet and shawl, slipped out of the house as quick as I could—though, bother take it, I couldn’t get the street-door to close after me without making a noise. Then I went up to the first policeman I met with, and told him he must come with me that instant, as I wanted to give a man in charge for robbing me of my beef-steak pie. But on going back, the bird had flown; so I had to offer the policeman my thanks and a glass of table-beer,—which, however, the good man would not accept, saying that they were forbidden to drink while on duty. I was so surprised at finding such virtue in the police force—especially when I recollected how I had been treated by that big-whiskered monkey—who had winked at me, that I took a good look at this noble man, and at once knew from the quantity of hair about the jackanapes’ face that he was the identical fellow who had not only kissed his hand to me, but had also wanted himself to partake of whatever there might be in my larder. So I sent him off with a flea in his ear; and then turning round sharp upon Miss Susan, I told her that she would go that day month, as sure as her name was Susan, and that I hoped and trusted she would let this be a warning to her—for I knew very well that I could easily pretend to make it up with her again, and so keep her on a month or six weeks after my confinement.
The next day I received a very proper letter from Edward, informing me he was afraid that business would detain him at Kingston for another week, and a very unladylike and rude letter from Mrs. Yapp, the mother of Edward’s poor dear deceased first wife, telling my husband she would be in town to-morrow, and that she purposed making her dear boy’s house her home so long as she remained in London.