Pop-Guns: One Serious and One Funny

by Aunt Fanny

“Look here, my fine fellow. Suppose a canal-boat heads east-nor’-west for the horse’s tail, and has the wind abeam, with a flaw coming up in the south, and cats’-paws showing themselves, would the captain be justified in taking a reef in the stove-pipe, without first asking the cook?”

I said everybody burst out laughing; but I made a mistake; for Dr. Gradus rose up majestically, and made a speech stuffed full of Latin, in which he observed that “problems like that the gentleman had just given were not to be found in any of his books;” at which everybody nearly laughed again—he was so solemn and pompous about a joke. I forgot to mention that Dr. Gradus was an old bachelor, and that accounts for it.

Of course, Johnny’s father and mother were present at the examination, with little Essie; and oh! what three proud and happy people they were, when, at the end of it, Dr. Gradus got up to present the prizes, and among the very first names called was Master Johannes Goodfellow. At first they did not quite understand that it was their Johnny, because Dr. Gradus turned his Christian name into Latin, which, you know, made it grander; and as Johannes’s face,—as he walked up, bowed, and took the splendid book presented to him,—was perfectly radiant with happiness, I don’t know but what the Latin had something to do with it. But when he saw his dear father holding out his hand to him, his mother’s eyes full of joyful tears, and Essie’s rosy lips trembling with excitement and pride in her darling brother, he very nearly burst into tears himself; but controlling his feelings with a strong effort, he grasped his father’s hand for a moment, and then went back to his seat.

Kriss, Johnny’s particular friend, obtained a prize too; and after they were all distributed, the company were invited to partake of refreshments in the parlors, which consisted of very sour lemonade, and such thin slices of cake, that they were all weak in the back, and fell over double when they were taken up. Of course, nobody ought to be hungry after such a “feast of reason” on Latin grammars, geology, mathematics, chemistry, and I don’t know what besides—the very names of which made Dr. Gradus smack his lips with delight. He, no doubt, would have preferred to have dined off of Greek lexicons, with chemical sauce, instead of plum-cake, with comical sauce (that is, plenty of fun and laughing), which you and I would much rather have, wouldn’t we?

Then Johnny introduced Kriss to his sister with great pride and delight; and Essie’s sweet smile and soft pleasant voice won his heart, and he immediately told Johnny, in a whisper, that his sister was such a dear little girl, and a great deal prettier than he expected, and her lameness ought to make everybody as kind and tender as possible; and moreover, that when he grew up to be a man, he meant to marry Essie, and watch over her, and make her as happy as the day was long.

“Oh, delightful!” cried Johnny; “just fancy! then you’ll be my brother. I always wished I had a brother. I don’t like the thought of finding that cross Phil at home; it will half spoil my holidays. But we must write to each other, Kriss; and you shall have Essie when you grow up; and then we shall live together all our lives.”

So they parted; for after the examination there was to be a month’s holidays; and Johnny had as much as he could do to shake hands and bid good-by to the crowd of noisy, merry boys, every one of whom loved him. All the teachers also shook hands, and hoped he would come back; and Dr. Gradus, pushing up his spectacles, and clearing his throat with a tremendous “hem,” said that Master Goodfellow quite fulfilled the promise of his name; at which heavy joke everybody nearly died of laughter, and all because it was the great Dr. Gradus who said it.

It was beautiful autumn weather. The leaves were just beginning to turn; the dark green woods were flushing into gorgeous tropical beauty; and four happy people were riding home, their hearts full of gratitude and peace, beyond all price.

But when they drove into the crooked lane, didn’t the little brown dog bark himself more sideways than ever before, in his frantic joy at hearing Johnny’s voice, for it was now quite dark; and didn’t Hannah, and the farm man, and Phil, rush out and cry, “Hurra! here they are!”—and Phil’s voice sounded so hearty and pleasant, that Johnny shook hands with him immediately, and said, “How are you, old fellow?” as if they had been friends a year, which made Phil very happy, for he had been quaking at heart lest Johnny should not speak to him at all, knowing what a bad boy he had been.