"You are putting it very strongly, Doctor; can there be no exception to rules?"
"The only exception to the rule is that the alternative does not exist in time of war. The Confederate States have called into military service all males between eighteen and forty-five. You could not leave the country--excuse me for saying it; I speak in an impersonal sense--even if you should wish to leave it. Every man is held subject to military service; as you have already said, the State would commit suicide if she renounced the population from which she gets her soldiers. But, in any case, what would you do if you were not forced into service?"
"I am helpless," I said gloomily.
"No; I don't want you to look at it in that way; you are not helpless. What I have already suggested will relieve you. We can attach, you to any company that you may choose, with the condition that as soon as your friends are found you are to be handed over to them--I mean, of course, handed over to your original company. It seems to me that such a course is not merely the best thing to do, but the only thing to do."
"Doctor," said I, "you and your friends are placing me under very heavy obligations. You have done much yourself, and your friends show me kindness. Perhaps I could do no better than to ask you to act for me. I know the delicacy of your offer. Another man might have refused to discuss or explain; he had the power to simply order me back into the ranks."
"No," said he; "I am not so sure that any such power could have been exercised. To order you back into the ranks is not a surgeon's duty to his patient. There seems to be nothing whatever in the army regulations applying to such a case as yours. You have been kept here without authority, except the general authority which empowers the surgeon to help the wounded. But I have no control over you whatever. If you choose, nobody would prevent you from leaving this hospital. I cannot make a report of your case on any form furnished me. It was this difficulty, in your case, that made me beg the brigade adjutant to visit you; while the matter is irregular, it is, however, known at brigade headquarters, so that it is in as good a shape as we know how to put it. I cannot order you back into the ranks; you would not know what to do with yourself; what I suggest will relieve you from any danger hereafter of being supposed a deserter; we keep trace of you and can prove that you are still in the service and are obeying authority."
"That settles it!" I exclaimed; "I had not thought of the possibility of being charged with desertion."
"To tell you the truth, no more had I until this moment. We must get authority from General Hill in this matter, in order to protect you fully. At this very minute no doubt your orderly-sergeant and the adjutant of your regiment are reporting you absent without leave. I must quit you for a while."
What had seemed strangest to me was the lack of desire, on my part, to find my company. I had tried, from the first moment of the proposition to join Company H, to analyze this reluctance in regard to my original company, and had at last confessed to myself that it was due to exaggerated sensitiveness. Who were the men of my company? should I recognize them? No; they would know me, but I should not know them. This thought had been strong in holding me back from yielding to the doctor's views; I had an almost morbid dread of being considered a curiosity. So, I did not want to go back to my company; and as for going into Captain Haskell's company, I considered that project but a temporary expedient--my people would soon be found and I should be forced back where I belonged and be pointed out forever as a freak. So I wanted to keep out of Company H and out of every other company; I wanted to go away--to do something--anything--no matter what, if it would only keep me from being advertised and gazed upon.