“Well, listen to my little tale”; crossing his legs, and proceeding with an air of easy narration. “I have earned that rifle nobly—as you shall hear.”
“Go on,” said his brother huskily, “tell me the worst—and get it over.”
“The worst?” echoed Bobby. “There is no worst! It’s the best joke I’ve ever known, bar none—a screaming farce.
“We are great at theatricals on the Bobadil, quite a floating Haymarket. We had been playing a piece called ‘Topsy-Turvy’ in which I had a star part, first leading lady, and I yearned to show myself to you—and take you in. So when we got to Bombay this cruise, I put in for a week ashore, collected a box of properties, borrowed the bearer of a chum in the Yacht Club, and persuaded him to bring along his old wife as my ayah. Then we all took the train for Munser. I made up in the carriage—started a man in flannels, stepped out a giddy girl in frills and curls! I declare when the bearer came to the door, and saw me, he nearly had a fit! Well, I drove straight up here and I was awfully sold not to find you; but I sent them all flying about, and ordered tea in the verandah. Presently I went out, and spread myself there, in a sort of blazing scarlet tea-gown—a thing you could see a mile off! It had the desired effect—it fetched the station! They rode, and biked, and drove by—all staring, in the rudest and most shameless manner. I kissed my hand to one of the men—he looked like the Padre; another was for coming in—but I waved him off!”
Lovett’s half-stifled groan was unheeded, and possibly unheard.
“The funniest thing was a landau, packed full of women—an excited old lady and some girls. They went by at a trot, then turned, and came back at a walk; finally, and lastly, a crawl. I believe they found it impossible to realise me! The old girl put up a big double eyeglass and fixed me with an expression of such ferocity, that in self-defence I snatched a saucer, stuck it in my eye, and gazed back with such killing effect that she collapsed—completely repulsed—and shouted to the coachman, ‘Full steam ahead!’ leaving me with the honours of war! Then, yesterday, I put on my own togs, and went for a ride in the morning, and called in at the club. There were a few men there, discussing the figure in the collector’s verandah. They were inclined to have it that it was stuffed! Of course this point of view was fatal to my scheme. So yesterday evening I turned out in the dogcart in a flaring hat and frock, and spanked about the station, and down to the polo, and up to the cricket-field—not much sign of a stuffed figure there. Several people accosted me, but I only replied in French. Thanks to our nurse I speak it like a native. I smoked a cigarette, and dashed recklessly about the cantonment—and have, I flatter myself, given them something to talk about. This afternoon I was feeling rather dull, and was lying on a lounge, reading and half-asleep, and wondering when you would appear, when the bearer entered, and whispered that two Mem Sahibs were in the drawing-room—come to tea! I pulled myself together, and peeped through a hole in the purdah. There was the Major’s wife, and another lady, a tall, dark girl, with a ripping figure, cruising about the room as if the place belonged to her! She was examining your little family gods, photos, pet ink-bottle, books, and your last new photo just arrived——”
“Well?” demanded his brother breathlessly.
“Well, I ordered in tea, and hurried off to my bower to titivate—as here I was at close quarters, you see, and had to be careful! I settled on my wig and hat, lace tie, and bead chains; I powdered my nose, and put a good bit of colour on my cheeks—for it was now going to be war to the knife! These women had boldly boarded the ship, and I was determined to scuttle their craft.”
“Oh, Bobby, you idiot! you have ruined me!”
“Not a bit of it. Be calm, and listen. When I pranced into the room the two ladies stared as if I were some wild beast. ‘So pleased to see you,’ I said; ‘so sweet and good of you to call on me! I’ve been feeling a bit chippy all by my little lone.’