Bob. Well, gentlemen, bear witness, I was bound to the peace, by
this good day.
E. Know. No, faith, it's an ill day, captain, never reckon it
other: but, say you were bound to the peace, the law allows you to
defend yourself: that will prove but a poor excuse.
Bob. I cannot tell, sir; I desire good construction in fair sort. I
never sustain'd the like disgrace, by heaven! sure I was struck
with a planet thence, for I had no power to touch my weapon.
E. Know. Ay, like enough; I have heard of many that have been
beaten under a planet: go, get you to a surgeon. 'Slid! an these be
your tricks, your passadoes, and your montantos, I'll none of them.
[Exit Bobadill.] O, manners! that this age should bring forth such
creatures! that nature should be at leisure to make them! Come,
coz.
Step. Mass, I'll have this cloak.
E. Know. 'Od's will, 'tis Downright's.
Step. Nay, it's mine now, another might have ta'en it up as well:
I'll wear it, so I will.
E. Know. How an he see it? he'll challenge it, assure yourself.
Step. Ay, but he shall not have it: I'll say I bought it.
E. Know. Take heed you buy it not too dear, coz.
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.-A Room in KITELY'S House.
Enter KITELY, WELLBRED, Dame KITELY, and BRIDGET,
Kit.
Now, trust me, brother, you were much to blame,
T' incense his anger, and disturb the peace
Of my poor house, where there are sentinels
That every minute watch to give alarms
Of civil war, without adjection
Of your assistance or occasion.
Wel. No harm done, brother, I warrant you: since there is no harm
done, anger costs a man nothing; and a tall man is never his own
man till he be angry. To keep his valour in obscurity, is to keep
himself as it were in a cloak bag. What's a musician, unless he
play? What's a tall man unless he fight? For, indeed, all this my
wise brother stands upon absolutely; and that made me fall in with
him so resolutely.
Dame K. Ay, but what harm might have come of it, brother?
Wel. Might, sister? so might the good warm clothes your husband
wears be poisoned, for any thing he knows: or the wholesome wine he
drank, even now at the table.
Kit.
Now, God forbid! O me! now I remember
My wife drank to me last, and changed the cup,
And bade me wear this cursed suit to-day.
See, if Heaven suffer murder undiscover'd!
I feel me ill; give me some mithridate,
Some mithridate and oil, good sister, fetch me:
O, I am Sick at heart, I burn. I burn.
If you will save my life, go fetch it me.
Wel. O strange humour! my very breath has poison'd him.
Brid.
Good brother be content, what do you mean?
The strength of these extreme conceits will kill you.
Dame K.
Beshrew your heart, blood, brother Wellbred, now,
For putting such a toy into his head!
Wel. Is a fit simile a toy? will he be poison'd with a simile?
Brother Kitely, what a strange and idle imagination is this! For
shame, be wiser. O' my soul there's no such matter.
Kit. Am I not sick? how am I then not poison'd? Am I not poison'd?
how am I then so sick?
Dame K. If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.
Wel. His jealousy is the poison he has taken.
Enter BRAINWORM, disguised in FORMAL'S clothes.
Brai. Master Kitely, my master, justice Clement salutes you; and
desires to speak with you with all possible speed.
Kit. No time but now, when I think I am sick, very sick! well, I
will wait upon his worship. Thomas! Cob! I must seek them out, and
set them sentinels till I return. Thomas! Cob! Thomas!
[Exit. Wel.
This is perfectly rare, Brainworm; [takes him aside.] but how
got'st thou this apparel of the justice's man?
Brai. Marry, sir, my proper fine pen-man would needs bestow the
grist on me, at the Windmill, to hear some martial discourse; where
I so marshall'd him, that I made him drunk with admiration; and,
because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stript him
stark naked as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to
deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armour, and an
old brown bill to watch him till my return; which shall be, when I
have pawn'd his apparel, and spent the better part O' the money,
perhaps.
Wel. Well, thou art a successful merry knave, Brainworm: his
absence will be a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee return
to thy young master, and will him to meet me and my sister Bridget
at the Tower instantly; for here, tell him the house is so stored
with jealousy, there is no room for love to stand up'right in. We
must get our fortunes committed to some larger prison, say; and
than the Tower, I know no better air, nor where the liberty of the
house may do us more present service. Away.
Exit Brai.
Re-enter KITELY, talking aside to CASH.
Kit.
Come hither, Thomas. Now my secret's ripe,
And thou shalt have it: lay to both thine ears.
Hark what I say to thee. I must go forth, Thomas;
Be careful of thy promise, keep good watch,
Note every gallant, and observe him well,
That enters in my absence to thy mistress:
If she would shew him rooms, the jest is stale,
Follow them, Thomas, or else hang on him,
And let him not go after; mark their looks;
Note if she offer but to see his band,
Or any other amorous toy about him;
But praise his leg, or foot: or if she say
The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand,
How hot it is; O, that's a monstrous thing!
Note me all this, good Thomas, mark their sighs,
And if they do but whisper, break 'em off:
I'll bear thee out in it. Wilt thou do this?
Wilt thou be true, my Thomas?
Cash. As truth's self, sir.
Kit. Why, I believe thee: Where is Cob, now? Cob!
[Exit.
Dame K. He's ever calling for Cob: I wonder how he employs Cob so.
Wel. Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob, is a necessary
question for you that are his wife, and a thing not very easy for
you to be satisfied in; but this I'll assure you, Cob's wife is an
excellent bawd, sister, and oftentimes your husband haunts her
house; marry, to what end? I cannot altogether accuse him; imagine
you what you think convenient: but I have known fair hides have
foul hearts ere now, sister.
Dame K. Never said you truer than that, brother, so much I can tell
you for your learning. Thomas, fetch your cloak and go with me.
[Exit Gash.] I'll after him presently: I would to fortune I could
take him there, i'faith, I'd return him his own, I warrant him!
[Exit.
Wel. So, let 'em go; this may make sport anon. Now, my fair
sister-in-law, that you knew but how happy a thing it were to be
fair and beautiful.
Brid. That touches not me, brother.
Wel. That's true; that's even the fault of it; for indeed, beauty
stands a woman in no stead, unless it procure her touching.—But,
sister, whether it touch you or no. It touches your beauties; and I
am sure they will abide the touch; an they do not, a plague of all
ceruse, say I! and it touches me too in part, though not in
the—Well, there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister,
stands very strongly and worthily affected toward you, and hath
vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal at his heart, in honour of
your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you
where you shall hear him confirm much more. Ned Knowell is the man,
sister: there's no exception against the party. You are ripe for a
husband; and a minute's loss to such all occasion, is a great
trespass in a wise beauty. What say you, sister? On 'my soul he
loves you; will you give him the meeting?
Brid. Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy,
brother, if I durst not meet a man; but this motion of yours
savours of an old knight adventurer's servant a little too much,
methinks.
Wel. What' s that, sister?
Brid. Marry, of the squire.
Wel. No matter if it did, I would be such an one for my friend. But
see, who is return'd to hinder us!
Reenter KITELY.
Kit.
What villainy is this? call'd out on a false message!
This was some plot; I was not sent for.—-Bridget,
Where is your sister?
Brid. I think she be gone forth, sir.
Kit. How! is my wife gone forth? whither, for God's sake?
Brid. She's gone abroad with Thomas.
Kit.
Abroad with Thomas! Oh, that villain dors me:
Beast that I was, to trust him! whither, I pray you,
Went she?
Brid. I know not, sir.
Wel. I'll tell you, brother, Whither I suspect she's gone;
Kit. Whither, good brother?
Wel. To Cob's house, I believe: but, keep my counsel.
Kit.
I will, I will: to Cob's house! doth she haunt Cob's?
She's gone a purpose now to cuckold me,
With that lewd rascal, who, to win her favour,
Hath told her all.
[Exit.
Wel. Come, he is once more gone,
Sister, let's lose no time; the affair is worth it. [Exeunt.
SCENE VII.—-A Street.
Enter MATHEW and BOBADILL.
Mat. I wonder, captain, what they will say of my going away, ha?
Bob. Why, what should they say; but as of a discreet gentleman;
quick, wary, respectful of nature's fair lineaments? and that's
all.
Mat. Why so! but what can they say of your beating?
Bob. A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of gross battery
used, laid on strongly, borne most patiently; and that's all.
Mat. Ay, but would any man have offered it in Venice, as you say?
Bob. Tut! I assure you, no: you shall have there your nobilis, your
gentilezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close,
stand you firm, stand you fair, save your retricato with his left
leg, come to the assalto with the right, thrust with brave steel,
defy your base wood! But wherefore do I awake this remembrance? I
was fascinated, by Jupiter; fascinated, but I will be unwitch'd
and revenged by law.
Mat. Do you hear? is it not best to get a warrant, and have him
arrested and brought before justice Clement?
Bob. It were not amiss; would we had it!
Enter BRAINWORM disguised as FORMAL.
Mat. Why, here comes his man; let's speak to him.
Bob. Agreed, do you speak,
Mat. Save you, sir.
Brai. With all my heart, sir.
Mat. Sir, there is one Downright hath abused this gentleman and
myself, and we determine to make our amends by law: now, if you
would do us the favour to procure a warrant to bring him afore your
master, you shall be well considered, I assure you, sir.
Brai. Sir, you know my service is my living; such favours as these
gotten of my master is his only preferment, and therefore you must
consider me as I may make benefit of my place.
Mat. How is that, Sir?
Brai. Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may
be of great account; yet, be he what he will, if you will lay me
down a brace of angels in my hand you shall have it, otherwise not.
Mat. How shall we do, captain? he asks a brace of angels, you have
no money?
Bob. Not a cross, by fortune.
Mat. Nor I, as I am a gentleman, but twopence left of my two
shillings in the morning for wine and radish: let's find him some
pawn.
Bob. Pawn! we have none to the value of his demand.
Mat. O, yes; I'll pawn this jewel in my ear, and you may pawn your
silk stockings, and pull up your boots, they will ne'er be mist: it
must be done now.
Bob. Well, an there be no remedy, I'll step aside and pull them
off.
[Withdraws.
Mat. Do you hear, sir? we have no store of money at this time, but
you shall have good pawns; look you, sir, this jewel, and that
gentleman's silk stockings; because we would have it dispatch'd ere
we went to our chambers.
Brai. I am content, sir; I will get you the What's his name, say
you? Downright?
Mat. Ay, ay, George Downright.
Brai. What manner of man is he?
Mat. A tall big man, sir; he goes in a cloak most commonly of
silk-russet, laid about with russet lace.
Brai. 'Tis very good, sir.
Mat. Here, Sir, here's my jewel.
Bob. [returning.] And here are my stockings.
Brai. Well, gentlemen, I'll procure you this warrant presently; but
who will you have to serve it?
Mat. That's true, captain: that must be considered.
Bob. Body O' me, I know not; 'tis service of danger.
Brai. Why, you were best get one O' the varlets of the city, a
serjeant: I'll appoint you one, if you please.
Mat. Will you, sir? why, we can wish no better.
Bob. We'll leave it to you, sir.
[Exeunt Bob. and Mat.
Brai. This is rare! Now will I go and pawn this cloak of the
justice's man's at the broker's, for a varlet's suit, and be the
varlet myself; and get either more pawns, or more money of
Downright, for the arrest.
[Exit.
SCENE VIII.-The Lane before COB'S House.
Enter KNOWELL.
Know.
Oh, here it is; I am glad I have found it now;
Ho! who is within here?
Tib. [within.] I am within, sir; what's your pleasure?
Know. To know who is within beside yourself.
Tib. Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope?
Know.
O, fear you the constable? then I doubt not,
You have some guests within deserve that fear;
I'll fetch him straight.
Enter TIB.
Tib. O' God's name, sir!
Know. Go to: come tell me, is not young Knowell here?
Tib. Young Knowell! I know none such, sir, o' mine honesty.
Know.
Your honesty, dame! it flies too lightly from you.
There is no way but fetch the constable.
Tib. The constable! the man is mad, I think.
[Exit, and claps to the door.
Enter Dame KITELY and CASH.
Cash. Ho! who keeps house here?
Know.
O, this is the female copesmate of my son:
Now shall I meet him straight.
Dame K. Knock, Thomas, hard.
Cash. Ho, goodwife!
Re-enter TIB.
Tib. Why, what's the matter with you?
Dame K.
Why, woman, grieves it you to ope your door?
Belike you get something to keep it shut.
Tib. What mean these questions, pray ye?
Dame K. So strange you make it! is not my husband here?
Know. Her husband!
Dame K. My tried husband, master Kitely?
Tib. I hope he needs not to be tried here.
Dame K. No, dame, he does it not for need, but pleasure.
Tib. Neither for need nor pleasure is he here.
Know. This is but a device to balk me withal:
Enter KITELY, muffled in his cloak.
Soft, who is this? 'tis not my son disguised?
Dame K. [spies her husband, and runs to him.]
O, sir, have I fore-stall'd your honest market,
Found your close walks? You stand amazed now, do you?
I'faith, I am glad I have smok'd you yet at last.
What is your jewel, trow? In, come, let's see her;
Fetch forth your housewife, dame; if she be fairer,
In any honest judgment, than myself,
I'll be content with it: but she is change,
She feeds you fat, she soothes your appetite,
And you are well! Your wife, an honest woman,
Is meat twice sod to you, sir! O, you treachour!
Know. She cannot counterfeit thus palpably.
Kit.
Out on thy more than strumpet impudence!
Steal'st thou thus to thy haunts? and have I taken
Thy bawd and thee, and thy companion,
This hoary-headed letcher, this old goat,
Close at your villainy, and would'st thou 'scuse it
With this stale harlot's jest, accusing me?
O, old incontinent, [to Knowell.] dost thou not shame,
When all thy powers in chastity are spent,
To have a mind so hot? and to entice,
And feed the enticements of a lustful woman?
Dame K. Out, I defy thee, I, dissembling wretch!
Kit.
Defy me, strumpet! Ask thy pander here,
Can he deny it; or that wicked elder?
Know. Why, hear you, sir.
Kit.
Tut, tut, tut; never speak:
Thy guilty conscience will discover thee.
Know. What lunacy is this, that haunts this man?
Kit.
Well, good wife bawd, Cob's wife, and you,
That make your husband such a hoddy-doddy;
And you, young apple-squire, and old cuckold-maker;
I'll have you every one before a justice:
Nay, you shall answer it, I charge you go.
Know.
Marry, with all my heart, sir, I go willingly;
Though I do taste this as a trick put on me,
To punish my impertinent search, and justly,
And half forgive my son for the device.
Kit. Come, will you go?
Dame K. Go! to thy shame believe it.
Enter Cob.
Cob. Why, what's the matter here, 'what's here to do?
Kit.
O; Cob, art thou come? I have been abused,
And in thy house; was never man so wrong'd!
Cob. 'Slid, in my house, my master Kitely! who wrongs you in
my house? '
Kit.
Marry, young lust in old, and old in young here:
Thy wife's their bawd, here have I taken them.
Cob. How, bawd! is my house come to that? Am I preferr'd thither?
Did I not charge you to keep your doors shut, Isbel? and—-you
let them lie open for all comers! [Beats his wife.
Know. Friend, know some cause, before thou beat'st thy wife.
This is madness in thee.
Cob. Why, is there no cause?
Kit.
Yes, I'll shew cause before the justice, Cob:
Come, let her go with me.
Cob. Nay, she shall go.
Tib. Nay, I will go. I'll see an you may be allowed to make a
bundle of hemp of your right and lawful wife thus, at every
cuckoldy knave's pleasure. Why do you not go?
Kit. A bitter quean! Come, we will have you tamed.
[Exeunt.
SCENE IX.—-A Street.
Enter BRAINWORM, disguised as a City Serjeant.
Brai. Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself,
being in this serjeant's gown. A man of my present profession never
counterfeits, till he lays hold upon a debtor, and says, he rests
him; for then he brings him to all manner of unrest. A kind of
little kings we are, bearing the diminutive of a mace, made like a
young artichoke, that always carries pepper and salt in itself.
Well, I know not what danger I undergo by this exploit; pray Heaven
I come well off!
Enter MATHEW and BOBADILL.
Mat. See, I think, yonder is the varlet, by his gown.
Bob. Let's go in quest of him.
Mat. 'Save you, friend! 'are not you here by appointment of justice
Clement's man?
Brai. Yes, an't please you, sir; he told me, two gentlemen had
will'd him to procure a warrant from his master, which I have about
me, to be served on one Downright.
Mat. It is honestly done of you both; and see where the party comes
you must arrest; serve it upon him quickly afore he be aware.
Bob. Bear back, master Mathew.
Enter STEPHEN in DOWNRIGHT'S cloak.
Brai. Master Downright, I arrest you in the queen's name, and must
carry you afore a justice by virtue of this warrant:
Step. Me, friend! I am no Downright, I; I am master Stephen; You do
not well to arrest me, I tell you, truly; I am in nobody's bonds
nor books, I would you should know it. A plague on you heartily,
for making me thus afraid afore my time!
Brai. Why, now you are deceived, gentlemen.
Bob. He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us: but see, here a'
comes indeed; this is he; officer.
Enter DOWNRIGHT.
Dow. Why how now, signior gull! are you turn'd filcher of late!
Come, deliver my cloak.
Step. Your cloak, sir! I bought it even now, in open market.
Brai. Master Downright, I have a warrant I must serve upon you,
procured by these two gentlemen.
Dow. These gentlemen! these rascals!
[Offers to beat them.
Brai. Keep the peace, I charge you in her majesty's name.
Dow. I obey thee. What must I do, officer?
Brai. Go before master justice Clement; to answer that they can
object against you, sir: I will use you kindly, sir.
Mat. Come, let's before, and make the justice, captain.
Bob. The varlet's a tall man, afore heaven!
[Exeunt Bob. and Mat.
Dow. Gull, you'll give me my cloak.
Step. Sir, I bought it, and I'll keep it.
Dow. You will?
Step. Ay, that I will.
Dow. Officer, there's thy fee, arrest him.
Brai. Master Stephen I must arrest you.
Step. Arrest me! I scorn it. There, take your cloak, I'll none
on't.
Dow. Nay, that shall not serve your turn now, sir. Officer, I'll go
with thee to the justice's; bring him along.
Step. Why, is not here your cloak? what would you have?
Dow. I'll have you answer it, sir.
Brai. Sir, I'll take your word, and this gentleman's too, for his
appearance.
Dow. I'll have no words taken: bring him along.
Brai. Sir, I may choose to do that, I may take bail.
Dow. 'Tis true, you may take bail, and choose at another time: but
you shall not now, varlet: bring him along, or I'll swinge you.
Brai. Sir, I pity the gentleman's case: here's your money again.
Dow. 'Sdeins, tell not me of my money; bring him away, I say.
Brai. I warrant you he will go with you of himself, sir.
Dow. Yet more ado?
Brai. I have made a fair mash on't;
Aside.
Step. Must I go?
Brai. I know no remedy, master Stephen.
Dow. Come along afore me here; I do not love your hanging look
behind.
Step. Why, sir, I hope you cannot hang me for it: can he, fellow?
Brai. I think not, sir; it is but a whipping matter, sure.
[Exeunt.