The Devil is an Ass

by Ben Jonson

He ſets M^r. Manly, his friend, in her place.

Wit. One interruption more, Sir, and you goe 150 Into your hoſe and doublet, nothing ſaues you. And therefore harken. This is for your wife.

Man. You muſt play faire, S^r.

Wit. Stand for mee, good friend. And ſpeaks for her. Troth, Sir, tis more then true, that you haue vttred Of my vnequall, and ſo ſordide match heere, 155 With all the circumſtances of my bondage. I haue a husband, and a two-legg’d one, But ſuch a moon-ling, as no wit of man Or roſes can redeeme from being an Aſſe. H’is growne too much, the ſtory of mens mouthes, 160 To ſcape his lading: ſhould I make’t my ſtudy, And lay all wayes, yea, call mankind to helpe, To take his burden off, why, this one act Of his, to let his wife out to be courted, And, at a price, proclaimes his aſinine nature 165 So lowd, as I am weary of my title to him. But Sir, you ſeeme a Gentleman of vertue, No leſſe then blood; and one that euery way Lookes as he were of too good quality, To intrap a credulous woman, or betray her: 170 Since you haue payd thus deare, Sir, for a viſit, And made ſuch venter, on your wit, and charge Meerely to ſee mee, or at moſt to ſpeake to mee, I were too ſtupid; or (what’s worſe) ingrate Not to returne your venter. Thinke, but how, 175 I may with ſafety doe it; I ſhall truſt My loue and honour to you, and preſume; You’ll euer huſband both, againſt this huſband; [109]  Who, if we chance to change his liberall eares, To other enſignes, and with labour make 180 A new beaſt of him, as hee ſhall deſerue, Cannot complaine, hee is vnkindly dealth with. This day hee is to goe to a new play, Sir. From whence no feare, no, nor authority, Scarcely the Kings command, Sir, will reſtraine him, 185 Now you haue fitted him with a Stage-garment, For the meere names ſake, were there nothing elſe: And many more ſuch iourneyes, hee will make. Which, if they now, or, any time heereafter, Offer vs opportunity, you heare, Sir, 190 Who’ll be as glad, and forward to imbrace, Meete, and enioy it chearefully as you. I humbly thanke you, Lady.

Hee ſhifts to his owne place againe

Fit. Keepe your ground Sir.

Wit. Will you be lightned?

Fit. Mum.

Wit. And but I am, By the ſad contract, thus to take my leaue of you 195 At this ſo enuious distance, I had taught Our lips ere this, to ſeale the happy mixture Made of our ſoules. But we muſt both, now, yeeld To the neceſſity. Doe not thinke yet, Lady, But I can kiſſe, and touch, and laugh, and whiſper, 200 And doe those crowning court-ſhips too, for which, Day, and the publike haue allow’d no name But, now, my bargaine binds me. ’Twere rude iniury, T’importune more, or vrge a noble nature, To what of it’s owne bounty it is prone to: 205 Elſe, I ſhould ſpeake—But, Lady, I loue ſo well, As I will hope, you’ll doe ſo to. I haue done, Sir.

Fit. Well, then, I ha’ won?