I am not certain, what were my uncle’s feelings on this occasion: methought I could read in his eyes a strong expression of pity for the poor victim, who was thus sacrificed to the common safety, and of anger against himself for having consented to the renewal of a connexion, whose consequences must needs prove to be the most bitter sufferings, that could have been inflicted on his unfortunate niece. Terror of his two powerful enemies had compelled him to free himself from one of them by this sacrifice; but alas! he had soon to find his regret at having made this sacrifice increased by the knowledge, that it had been made without advantage. It was only at a distance, that Count Ethelbert appeared dreadful. Our scanty troops, under the command of the martial Leopold (who in spite of his increasing age was still an hero) were of much more effective consequence, than all the thousands who were ranged under the banners of the powerful Count of Carlsheim and Sargans; for their chief was a wretch, infirm both in body and mind, made fearful of encountering the wrath of man by his consciousness of deserving the vengeance of Heaven, and who (as we had soon but too much reason to suspect) was not always in his proper senses.
This last was a circumstance, which had been carefully concealed from all our family: but I had not resumed the title of Countess of Carlsheim and Sargans more than a few days, when I made some observations respecting my husband’s conduct, which opened before me the most terrific prospects for the future. I never could ascertain, whether Ethelbert’s incurable disorder owed its origin to his imagination having been struck by any one particular circumstance, for it was seldom prudent, or indeed possible to speak to him on this subject; but why should we seek for a cause, knowing the life which he had led? Seldom does the hand of licentiousness fail at length to guide her votaries to the brink of an abyss, the very sight of which makes the brain turn giddy, and scares away reason, never to resume her seat again!
Ethelbert’s profound and fearful melancholy afflicted him at periodical intervals. There were times, when he shut himself up from every one, but more particularly from me, in order to indulge himself in solitary sufferings. In one of these hours of voluntary seclusion I was induced (not by curiosity, but by my earnest wish to afford him some relief) to intrude upon his privacy. All that I gained by this well-intended interference was, (besides beholding a sight the most heart-rending that ever was presented to the eye of woman) that I drew down on me in the present moment the whole storm of my distracted husband’s fury, and in future was compelled to witness those sufferings, which out of a sort of delicacy for my feelings he had hitherto been careful to hide from my observation. His secret being now discovered, he constrained himself no longer. Till this unfortunate day I had never seen the wretched man except in those gloomy and capricious humours, which occupied the greater part of his time. I was now forced to witness his delirious follies, which sometimes rose to such a pitch of extravagance, that Edith and myself had good reason to tremble for our lives. Often have we been pursued by the frantic Ethelbert through every chamber of the Castle, without being able to find a place secure from his fury, except on the borders of that ruined well, in which I had caused my vassals to inter the dead bodies of those, who had fallen by the swords of Edith’s ravishers.
Never did Ethelbert dare to enter the Court, in which this well was situated. The moment that he attempted to cross the threshold, he shrieked out that he saw bleeding spectres rising out of the abyss; that Lucretia was among the number; and that he could hear her threaten to drag him down with her to the grave.
Tortures of a guilty conscience, who can paint you in colours sufficiently strong! Who can endure you without sinking at last beneath your weight! The phantoms, which in his disordered moments terrified the mind of Ethelbert, presented themselves in a thousand different forms. Many of them were totally unintelligible to me, as I was not fully instructed in the history of his past errors; nor was I at all inclined to inquire further into events, whose consequences sufficiently assured me, that their knowledge would afford me no sources of consolation.
Count Venosta was at this period compelled to be often absent from the Castle of Sargans. His renewed connection with Ethelbert made it incumbent on him to become the General of those troops, whom their master’s infirmity would otherwise have left without a leader. Such preparations therefore, as were necessary for our safety, were made by the sore orders of my uncle; and alas! every succeeding day made us feel with an added certainty, that no precautions could be superfluous.
Our dreaded enemy, the fierce and incensed Donat, was now daily expected to appear. I knew well his animosity against myself; and it is not to be wondered at, that in spite of the consciousness of my innocence, I shuddered when I heard of his approach. But my anxiety was not to be compared with the horror, which shook Count Ethelbert’s frame, whenever he heard Donat mentioned. He no longer recollected, that he was his own son; he only saw in him Lucretia’s offspring and avenger; and often when his bewildered brain pictured him present, did he fly for shelter to my arms, and entreat me to save him from Donat’s imaginary dagger.
What I endured at this period, is not to be believed! My friend Edith had often advised me to quit my frantic husband; and so excruciating were my sufferings, that I probably should have taken her counsel, had not compassion in the first moments of my re-union with the wretched man forced from me the inconsiderate promise, “that I never would abandon him through life, but that whatever fate was allotted to him should be shared by me;” a promise, which I had confirmed by too solemn an oath, and on which Ethelbert relied with too much confidence, to admit of my departing from it without his consent.
Previous to Donat’s approaching so near the Castle, I had been offered many opportunities of exchanging my melancholy situation for a secure retreat in the arms of friendship; but I was too strictly bound by my fatal oath to profit by the kind offices of my friends. Count Lodowick of Homburg, the declared admirer of the young Damsel of Mayenfield, had been compelled to leave us for a time, that he might support the claims of the family of his mistress against the usurping Abbot of St. Gall. Fortunately, the sudden death of this tyrant greatly facilitated the completion of his views. He now returned to Sargans, for the purpose of conducting the young Count Ludolf to Mayenfield, and seeing him re-instated in his natural rights.
It was thought necessary, that Ludolf should be accompanied by his mother; but she protested, that she could not consent to leave me exposed to such dangers, and insisted on my accompanying her to a place, where I should be in security. Oh! how gladly would my heart have embraced her offer! Nor in truth did Count Ethelbert positively forbid my leaving him: in his calmer moments he acknowledged in a tone of humility, that after his treatment of me he had no right to detain me contrary to my inclination; he left it entirely to myself to decide, whether I would go or stay; and declared, that he would not oppose my abandoning him, if after what I had sworn, I could reconcile it to my own conscience.