“Colonel,” said Harry, “it must have been grand to have led such a regiment as that on the field of battle; it must have been awe-inspiring to have sat there on the different horses that were shot from under you, giving your orders to the staff officers for this battalion to charge or that battalion to take a certain point of vantage. I can see you now, as you sat upon your milk-white steed, raise up in your stirrups and a determined look in your fearless face, wave your sword and say, ‘Follow me, men, victory is ours!’ Oh, but it must have been grand. I tell you, General, I cannot help but envy you just a little and I will confess why. During the Spanish War I enlisted seven times, and each time I was left behind because my height was too great for my width. It is awful, General, to be so afflicted. Now had I your commanding figure (Mr. Jones was round-shouldered and bow-legged), I might have died for my country, and had I a noble brow like yours (Mr. Jones’ forehead sloped back like that of an ape), I might at least have married the daughter of a Moro chief and been court-martialed after I got home for leaving her with my mother-in-law.”
Harry was really out of breath and Capt. Jones broke in and said:
“You don’t belong in this town, do you? Are you a traveling man?”
“Yes,” said Harry, with a sigh, “I am a lumber salesman, but General, tell me of some of the rivers you swam and of some of the hair-breadth escapes you have been through. I could stay here all day and feast on your words. You knew Grant and Sherman and Lee well, didn’t you?”
“Oh, yes,” said Capt. Jones, “I have seen them all, but say, what are two-by-fours worth, delivered here?”
Harry woke up with a start.
“By Jove, I must have forgotten myself.” He took a price list out of his pocket and throwing it on the desk in front of the captain, said:
“There are my prices, General, if you want anything pick it out, but let me sit down here near you and gaze on a man who at one time was a friend and confidant of General Grant.”
Talk about spreading it on thick, slush, and all that—well, when we left the mighty man of war, Harry had orders for seven cars of lumber.
“Gee! that’s a good order,” said Harry, “I wonder if the bow-legged old chimpanzee is good for that much all at once.”