"The T.L.N. Horn-et Band, with Sackbut, Psaltery, Dulcimer, and Shawm, Tanglang, Locofodeon, and Hugag, marched next. They reserved their efforts for special occasions, when they woke the echoes with strains of altogether unearthly music, composed for them expressly by Saufylur, the eminent self-taught New Zealand composer.
"Barnum's Baby-Show, on four wheels, in charge of the great showman himself, aided by that experienced nurse, Mrs. Gamp, in somewhat dilapidated attire, followed. The babies, from a span long to an indefinite length, of all shapes and sizes, black, white, and snuff-colored, twins, triplets, quartettes, and quincunxes, in calico and sackcloth, and in a state of nature, filled the vehicle, and were hung about it by the leg or neck or middle. A half-starved quadruped of osseous and slightly equine appearance drew the concern, and the shrieking axles drowned the cries of the innocents.
"Mr. Joseph Hiss and Mrs. Patterson of Massachusetts were not absent. Joseph's rubicund complexion, brassy and distinctly Know-Nothing look, and nasal organ well developed by his experience on the olfactory committee, were just what might have been expected. The 'make up' of Mrs. P., a bright brunette, was capital, and she looked the woman, if not the lady, to perfection. The two appeared in a handsome livery buggy, paid for, we suppose, by the State of Massachusetts.
"A wagon-load of two or three tattered and desperate looking individuals, labelled 'Recruits for the Crimea,' with a generous supply of old iron and brick-bats as material of war, was dragged along by the frame and most of the skin of what was once a horse.
"Towards the rear, but by no means least in consequence or in the amount of attention attracted, was the army hospital, drawn by two staid and well-fed oxen. In front appeared the snowy locks and 'fair round belly, with good cotton lined' of the worthy Dr. Esculapius Liverwort Tarand Cantchuget-urlegawa Opodeldoc, while by his side his assistant sawbones brayed in a huge iron mortar, with a weighty pestle, much noise, and indefatigable zeal, the drugs and dye-stuffs. Thigh-bones, shoulder-blades, vertebræ, and even skulls, hanging round the establishment, testified to the numerous and successful amputations performed by the skilful surgeon.
"Noticeable among the cavalry were Don Quixote de la U.V.M., Knight of the patent-leather gaiters, terrible in his bright rectangular cuirass of tin (once a tea-chest), and his glittering harpoon; his doughty squire, Sancho Panza; and a dashing young lady, whose tasteful riding-dress of black cambric, wealth of embroidered skirts and undersleeves, and bold riding, took not a little attention.
"Of the rank and file on foot it is useless to attempt a description. Beards of awful size, moustaches of every shade and length under a foot, phizzes of all colors and contortions, four-story hats with sky-scraping feathers, costumes ring-streaked, speckled, monstrous, and incredible, made up the motley crew. There was a Northern emigrant just returned from Kansas, with garments torn and water-soaked, and but half cleaned of the adhesive tar and feathers, watched closely by a burly Missourian, with any quantity of hair and fire-arms and bowie-knives. There were Rev. Antoinette Brown, and Neal Dow; there was a darky whose banner proclaimed his faith in Stowe and Seward and Parker, an aboriginal from the prairies, an ancient minstrel with a modern fiddle, and a modern minstrel with an ancient hurdy- gurdy. All these and more. Each man was a study in himself, and to all, Falstaff's description of his recruits would apply:—
"'My whole charge consists of corporals, lieutenants, gentlemen of companies, slaves as ragged as Lazarus in the painted cloth, where the glutton's dogs licked his sores; the cankers of a calm world and a long peace; ten times more dishonorable ragged than an old-faced ancient: and such have I, that you would think I had a hundred and fifty tattered prodigals lately come from swine-keeping, from eating draff and husks. A mad fellow met me on the way and told me I had unloaded all the gibbets and pressed the dead bodies. No eye hath seen such scarecrows.'
"The proceedings on the review were exciting. After the calling of the roll, the idol of his regiment, Col. Martin Van Buren Brick, discharged an eloquent and touching speech.
"From the report of Dr. Opodeldoc, which was thirty-six feet in length, we can of course give but a few extracts. He commenced by informing the Invincibles that his cures the year past had been more astounding than ever, and that his fame would continue to grow brighter and brighter, until eclipsed by the advent of some younger Dr. Esculapius Liverwort Tar Cant-ye-get-your-leg-away Opodeldoc, who in after years would shoot up like a meteor and reproduce his father's greatness; and went on as follows:—