Petra felt this to be a decisive moment in her life. Her most secret thoughts had slipped from her, and they would try to exert an influence over them, which she could not bear. She knew best herself, that if she relinquished this object, she would be driven at the mercy of the winds. She could be light-hearted with the light-hearted, and confidential with the confidential, hopeful in everything, but it was in the strength of that secret purpose,--that some time she would be able to secure that after which her powers were yearning. To confide in any one, after that first baulking attempt at Bergen,--no, she could not do it, not even in Odegaard himself! She must be alone in it, until her aim had grown so strong, that it could bear to hear the doubts that would be breathed upon it.
But now it had happened otherwise: the dean's fiery red face looked continually down upon her scared conscience.--She must save herself!--She sought for Signe more earnestly and hurriedly in the afternoon, but still she was not to be found. The longer one whom we seek hides from us, the greater we depict the cause of separation, and thus it was, that at last she made herself believe it had been treachery against Signe, secretly to use her friendship for that which Signe thought to be a sin. The omniscient God must be her witness, that this view of her conduct had never struck her before; she felt herself a great sinner.
Just as before at home, she now stood with the feeling of a great sin upon her conscience, of which a moment before, she had no suspicion. That that terrible experience might be repeated, augmented her vague fear to terror; she saw before her a future of unhappiness. But in proportion as her own guilt increased, Signe's image stood forth in purity and disinterested attachment.
It had grown dark, wherever Signe had been she must have got home. She ran down the passage leading to the wing where Signe's room was; the door was locked,--a sign that she was there. Her heart beat as she took hold of the handle, and begged again: "Signe, let me speak to you!--Signe, I cannot bear it!"--Not a sound; Petra bent down to listen, and knocked again: "Signe, oh Signe, you don't know how unhappy I am." No reply; long listening, still none. If one gets no answer, one doubts at last if anyone is there, even if one knows there is someone, and if it is dark, one gets afraid. "Signe,--Signe! if you are there, be merciful,--answer me,--Signe!" All was silence; a cold shiver came over her. The kitchen door opened, and quick steps were heard in the court yard below. This gave her a thought, she would go out herself, get up on the ledge on the wall of the wing, and go round the whole building to get to the other side where it was very high. She would see Signe.
It was a bright starlight night, the mountains stood in sharp outline, the snow sparkled, the dark footpaths only increased the sharpness of the light; from the road the sledge bells were sounding, she felt inspirited, and sprang up on the ledge. She tried to hold fast by the outside boarding of the house, but she lost her balance and fell. Then she rolled an empty cask against the wall and got up from it on to the ledge. By moving hands and feet together, she could get about half a foot at a time; it required a strong hand to keep fast; she could not get well hold for the boards were scarcely an inch thick. She was afraid lest any one should see her, for they would naturally connect it with the rope ladder. If she could but get away from this side that faced the farm, and out on to the cross wall; but when at last she did get there, a new danger awaited her; there was nothing before the windows, and she had to stoop down, in great fear of falling, every time she passed them. The long wall was very high, but there was a gooseberry hedge to receive her if she fell; she was not afraid. Her fingers tingled, her muscles quivered, but on she went. A few steps more and she would reach the window. There was no light in Signe's room, and the blind was not drawn down; the moon was shining full in, so she would be able to see into the farthest corners. This gave her fresh courage, she reached the window ledge, and at last could get a full hold and rest; as she got near, her heart began to beat so that it almost took her breath, but as it only grew worse by waiting, she must make haste--so she suddenly leaned right against the window. A sharp cry answered from the room. Signe had been sitting in the sofa corner, she sprang on to the floor, and with both arms warding off the fearful apparition, she rushed out of the room.
In a moment Petra realised what her unfortunate freak had done;--this figure against the window, this thoughtless repulsive boldness--; her image henceforth would be a constant terror to Signe; she lost consciousness, and fell with a piercing shriek.
The people in the house had run out on hearing Signe's scream, but found nothing,--another scream,--the whole farm was astir; they sought, they called, but in vain; it was purely accidental that the dean came to look out of the window in Signe's room, and in the moonlight saw Petra buried in the bushes. It was with great difficulty they could get her extricated and carried up; she was taken into Signe's room, as the housekeeper's was cold, she was undressed and put to bed. Some of them bathed her hands and neck, while others made the room warm, light and comfortable. When she came to herself, and looked about, she begged to be left alone.
The quiet comfort of the room, the fine white dimity that draped the window, dressing table, chairs and bed, reminded her at once of Signe. She thought of her pure loveliness, her mild voice that flowed milk white, her delicate feeling for the thoughts of others, her gentle benevolence. She had shut herself out from all this; she must soon leave the room, and probably the house. And where to then? She could not expect a third time to be taken up from the highway, and if she could, she would not; for it would end only in the same way. No human being could have confidence in her; whatever the cause, she felt that it was so. She had not got a step further, she never could get further; for without the confidence of her fellow creatures, she could not succeed. How she prayed, how she wept! She fell back and wrung her hands in an agony of mind, till she was fairly exhausted and slept.
In her sleep, everything became snow white, and by-and-by lofty; she had never before seen so high and so brilliant a glitter of millions of stars.