WESTERN ENTRANCE INTO THE METROPOLIS; A DESCRIPTIVE SKETCH.

General Views of the Author relative to Subject and Style—
Time and Place—Perspective Glimpse of the great City—The
Approach—Cockney Salutations—The Toll House—Western
Entrance to Cockney Land—Hyde Park—Sunday Noon—
Sketches of Character, Costume, and Scenery—The Ride and
Drive—Kensington Gardens—Belles and Beaux—Stars and
Fallen Stars—Singularities of 1824—Tales of Ton—On Dits
and Anecdotes—Sunday Evening—High Life and Low Life, the
Contrast—Cockney Goths—Notes, Biographical, Amorous, and
Exquisite.

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Its wealth and fashion, wit and folly,
Pleasures, whims, and melancholy:
Of all the charming belles and beaux
Who line the parks, in double rows;
Of princes, peers, their equipage,
The splendour of the present age;
Of west-end fops, and crusty cits,
Who drive their gigs, or sport their tits;
With all the groups we mean to dash on
Who form the busy world of fashion:
Proceeding onwards to the city,
With sketches, humorous and witty.
The man of business, and the Change,
Will come within our satire's range:
Nor rank, nor order, nor condition,
Imperial, lowly, or patrician,
Shall, when they see this volume, cry—
"The satirist has pass'd us by,"
But with good humour view our page
Depict the manners of the age.
Our style shall, like our subject, be
Distinguished by variety;
Familiar, brief we could say too—
(It shall be whimsical and new),
But reader that we leave to you.
'Twas morn, the genial sun of May
O'er nature spread a cheerful ray,
When Cockney Land, clothed in her best,
We saw, approaching from the west,
And 'mid her steeples straight and tall
Espied the dome of famed St. Paul,
Surrounded with a cloud of smoke
From many a kitchen chimney broke;
A nuisance since consumed below
By bill of Michael Angelo.{1}
The coach o'er stones was heard to rattle,
1 M. A. Taylor's act for compelling all large factories,
which have steam and other apparatus, to consume their own
smoke.

The guard his bugle tuned for battle,
The horses snorted with delight,
As Piccadilly came in sight.
On either side the road was lined
With vehicles of ev'ry kind,
And as the rapid wheel went round,
There seem'd scarce room to clear the ground.
"Gate-gate-push on—how do—well met—
Pull up—my tits are on the fret—
The number—lost it—tip then straight,
That covey vants to bilk the gate."
The toll-house welcome this to town.
Your prime, flash, bang up, fly, or down,
A tidy team of prads,—your castor's
Quite a Joliffe tile,—my master.
Thus buck and coachee greet each other,
And seem familiar as a brother.
No Chinese wall, or rude barrier,
Obstructs the view, or entrance here;
Nor fee or passport,—save the warder,
Who draws to keep the roads in order;
No questions ask'd, but all that please
May pass and repass at their ease.
In cockney land, the seventh day
Is famous for a grand display
Of modes, of finery, and dress,
Of cit, west-ender, and noblesse,
Who in Hyde Park crowd like a fair
To stare, and lounge, and take the air,
Or ride or drive, or walk, and chat
On fashions, scandal, and all that.—
Here, reader, with your leave, will we
Commence our London history.
'Twas Sunday, and the park was full
With Mistress, John, and Master Bull,
And all their little fry.
The crowd pour in from all approaches,
Tilb'ries, dennets, gigs, and coaches;

The bells rung merrily.
Old dowagers, their fubsy faces{2}
Painted to eclipse the Graces,
Pop their noddles out
Of some old family affair
That's neither chariot, coach, or chair,
Well known at ev'ry rout.
But bless me, who's that coach and six?
"That, sir, is Mister Billy Wicks,
A great light o' the city,
Tallow-chandler, and lord mayor{3};
Miss Flambeau Wicks's are the fair,
Who're drest so very pretty.
It's only for a year you know
He keeps up such a flashy show;
And then he's melted down.
The man upon that half-starved nag{4}
Is an Ex-S———ff, a strange wag,
Half flash, and half a clown.
But see with artful lures and wiles
The Paphian goddess, Mrs. G***s,{5}
2 There are from twenty to thirty of these well known relics
of antiquity who regularly frequent the park, and attend all
the fashionable routs,—perfumed and painted with the
utmost extravagance: if the wind sets in your face, they may
be scented at least a dozen carriages off.
3 It is really ludicrous to observe the ridiculous pride of
some of these ephemeral things;—during their mayoralty, the
gaudy city vehicle with four richly caparisoned horses is
constantly in the drive, with six or eight persons crammed
into it like a family waggon, and bedizened out in all the
colours of the rainbow;—ask for them six months after, and
you shall find them more suitably employed, packing rags,
oranges, or red herrings.
4 This man is such a strange compound of folly and
eccentricity, that he is eternally in hot water with some
one or other.
5 Mrs. Fanny G-1-s, the ci-devant wife of a corn merchant,
a celebrated courtezan, who sports a splendid equipage, and
has long figured upon town as a star of the first order in
the Cyprian hemisphere. She has some excellent qualities,
as poor M————-n can vouch; for when the fickle goddess
Fortune left him in the lurch, she has a handsome annuity
from a sporting peer, who was once the favoured swain.

From out her carriage peeps;
She nods to am'rous Mrs. D——-,{6}
Who bends with most sublime congee,
While ruin'd—————-sleeps.
Who follows 1 'tis the hopeful son
Of the proud Earl of H—————-n,
Who stole the parson's wife.{7}
The Earl of H—————-and flame,
For cabriolets she's the dame,{8}
A dasher, on my life.
Jack T——-1 shows his pleasant face{9};
A royal likeness here you'll trace,
You'd swear he was a Guelph.
See Lady Mary's U———walk,{10}
And though but aide-de-camp to York,
An Adonis with himself,
6 Mrs. D————-, alias Mrs. B-k-y, alias Miss Montague,
the wife of poor Jem B-k-y, the greater his misfortune,—a
well known Paphian queen, one of five sisters, who are all
equally notorious, and whose history is well known. She is
now the favoured sultana of a ci-devant banker, whose name
she assumes, to the disgrace of himself and family.
7 The clerical cornuto recovered, in a crim. con. action,
four thousand pounds for the loss of his frail rib, from
this hopeful sprig of nobility.
8 Mrs. S———, a most voluptuous lady, the discarded chère
amie of the late Lord F-1-d, said to be the best carriage
woman in the park: she lies in the Earl of H———-
—'s cabriolet most delightfully stretched out at full
length, and in this elegant posture is driven through the
park.
9 Captain T———l of the guards, whose powerful similitude
to the reigning family of England is not more generally
admitted than his good-humoured qualities are universally
admired.
10 The Hon. General U————-, aide-de-camp to the Duke of
York, whose intrigue with Lady Mary——————was, we have
heard, a planned affair to entrap a very different person.
Be that as it may, it answered the purpose, and did not
disturb the friendship of the parties. The honourable
general has obtained the appellation of the Park Adonis,
from his attractive figure and known gallantries.

A—————-y mark, a batter'd beau,{11}
Who'll still the fatal dice-box throw
Till not a guinea's left.
Beyond's the brothers B——-e,{12}
Of gold and acres quite as free,
By gaming too bereft.
Here trips commercial dandy Ra-k-s,{13}
11 Lord A———y, the babe of honour—once the gayest of
the gay, where fashion holds her bright enchanting court;
now wrinkled and depressed, and plucked of every feather, by
merciless Greek banditti. Such is the infatuation of play,
that he still continues to linger round the fatal table, and
finds a pleasure in recounting his enormous losses. A—-y,
who is certainly one of the most polished men in the
world, was the leader of the dandy club, or the unique four,
composed of Beau Brummell, Sir Henry Mildmay, and Henry
Pierrepoint, the Ambassador, as he is generally termed. When
the celebrated dandy ball was given to his Majesty (then
Prince of Wales), on that occasion the prince seemed
disposed to cut Brummell, who, in revenge, coolly
observed to A———y, when he was gone,—"Big Ben was vulgar
as usual." This was reported at Carlton House, and led to
the disgrace of the exquisite.—Shortly afterwards he met the
Prince and A———y in public, arm in arm, when the former,
desirous of avoiding him, quitted the baron: Brummell, who
observed his motive, said loud enough to be heard by the
prince,—"Who is that fat friend of yours?" This expression
sealed his doom; he was never afterwards permitted the
honour of meeting the parties at the palace. The story of
"George, ring the bell," and the reported conduct of the
prince, who is said to have obeyed the request and ordered
Mr. Brummell's carriage, is, we have strong reasons for
thinking, altogether a fiction: Brummell knew the dignity of
his host too well to have dared such an insult. The king
since generously sent him 300L. when he heard of his
distress at Calais. Brummell was the son of a tavern-keeper
in St. James's, and is still living at Calais.
12 The brothers are part of a flock of R———r geese, who
have afforded fine plucking for the Greeks. Parson Ambrose,
the high priest of Pandemonium, had a leg of one and a wing
of the other devilled for supper one night at the Gothic
Hall. They have cut but a lame figure ever since.
13 A quaint cognomen given to the city banker by the west-
end beaux;—he is a very amiable man.

Who never plays for heavy stakes,
But looks to the main chance.
There's Georgy W-b-ll, all the go,{14}
The mould of fashion,—the court beau,
Since Brummell fled to France:
His bright brass harness, and the gray,
The well known black cabriolet,
Is always latest there;
The reason,—George, with Captain P———
The lady-killing coterie,
Come late—to catch the fair.
See W-s-r, who with pious love,{15}
For her, who's sainted now above,
A sister kindly takes;
So, as the ancient proverb tells,
"The best of husbands, modern belles,
Are your reformed rakes."
In splendid mis'ry down the ride
Alone,—see ****** lady glide,{16}
Neglected for a————.
What's fame, or titles, wealth's increase,
Compared unto the bosom's peace?
They're bubbles,—nothing more.
14 George, although a roué of the most superlative order,
is not deficient in good sense and agreeable qualifications.
Since poor Beau Brummell's removal from the hemisphere of
fashion, George has certainly shone a planet of the first
magnitude: among the fair he is also considered like his
friend, Captain P-r-y, a perfect lady-killer:—many a little
milliner's girl has had cause to regret the seductive notes
of A.Z.B. Limmer's Hotel.
15 The Marquis of W-c-t-r has, since his first wife's death,
married her sister.—Reformation, we are happy to perceive,
is the order of the day. The failure of Howard and Gibbs
involved more than one noble family in embarrassments.
16 The amours of this child of fortune are notorious both on
the continent and in this country. It is very often the
misfortune of great men to be degraded by great profligacy
of conduct: the poor lady is a suffering angel.