Q. How, sir?
A. Why, sir, it is a Pun-ick war.
R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and answer.
A. Potiphar.
Q. Which is the seat of the spleen?
A. The hips.
Q. Who were the first bakers?
A. The Crustumenians. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth Capt. Wolseley).
Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from?
A. Middle-sex.
Q. What part of England has the most dogs?
A. Bark-shire.
Q. From whence come the first tumblers?
A. From Somerset.
Q. Who were the first mortgagers of land?
A. The people of Cumber-land.
Q. What men in the world are the best soldiers?
A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry their fire-locks upon their shoulders.
Q. Why should a man in debt be called a diver?
A. Because he has dipped over head and ears.
Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting?
A. Because they come with a hoop and a hollow.
Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, &c. said to be vermin?
A. Because they are in-sects.
Q. Where were the first breeches made?
A. At Thy-atira.
Q. Who were the first gold-finders?
A. The Turditani.
Q. What part of the world is best to feed dogs in?
A. Lap-land.
Q. What prince in the world should have a boar for his arms?
A. The duke of Tusk-any.
Q. Where do the best corn-cutters live?
A. At Leg-horn.
Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers?
A. Because their heels are given to running.
Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of base violins and fiddles?
A. Because they are strung with cat-gut.
Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a Tory, or vice versa, why should his gown be stripped off?
A. Because he is guilty of sham-party.
Q. How many animals are concerned in the formation of the English tongue?
A. According to Buck-anan, a great number; viz. cat-egorical, dog-matical, crow-nological, flea-botomy, fish-ognomy, squirril-ity, rat-ification, mouse-olæum, pus-illanimity, hare-editary, ass-tronomy, jay-ography, stag-yrite, duck-tility.
Q. Where were the first hams made?
A. They were made in the temple of Jupiter Hammon, by the Hamadryades; one of them (if we may depend upon Baker's Chronicle) was sent as a present to a gentleman in Ham-shire, of the family of the Ham-iltons, who immediately sent it to Ham-ton-court, where it was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the English phrase ham-strung.
Thus did great Socrates improve the mind,
By questions useful since to all mankind;
For, when the purblind soul no farther saw,
Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law,
His method clear'd up all, enlarged the sight,
And so he taught his pupils with day-light.
R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a discourse of the most serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to interrupt them with a pun. Ex. gr. suppose them poring over a problem in mathematics, you may, without offence, ask them 'How go squares with them?' You may say too, 'That, being too intent upon those figures, they are become cycloeid, i. e. sickly-eyed; for which they are a pack of loga-rithms, i. e. loggerheads.' Vide R. 34.
R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the first that laughs at his own pun; as Martial advises:
"Qui studet alterius risum captare lepore,
Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum."
"He that would move another man to laughter,
Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after."
R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if a man makes fifty puns, to return all, or the most of them, in the same kind. As for instance: Sir W—— sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's scholars, and desired my advice as to the management of them:
Miss-Chief, the ringleader.
Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint.
Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid.
Miss-Application, who has not done one letter in her sampler.
Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet.
Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate.
Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's needle.
Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping.
Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the dirt.
Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and milk where the cat got at it.
Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run out at heels for want of darning.
For which I sent the following masters:
Master-Stroke, to whip them.
Master-Workman, to dress them.
Master-Ship, to rig them.
Master-Lye, to excuse them.
Master-Wort, to purge them.
Master-Piece, to patch them.
Master-Key, to lock them up.
Master-Pock, to mortify them.
If these can't keep your ladies quiet,
Pull down their courage with low diet.
Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruel
To feed them on plain water-gruel;
But take my word, the best of breeding!
As it is plain, requires plain feeding.
Vide Roscommon.
R. 11. The Rule of Repetition: You must never let a pun be lost, but repeat and comment upon it till every one in the company both hears and understands it; ex. gr. Sir, I have good wine to give you; excellent pontack, which I got 'pon tick; but, sir, we must have a little pun-talk over it; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, madam.—There is pun-talk upon pontack, and 'pon tick too, hey.
R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your elements, whether you have fish, fowl, or flesh, for dinner: As for instance, Is not this fish which Mr. Pool sent me, ex-stream sweet? I think it is main good, what say you? O' my sole, I never tasted better, and I think it ought to take plaice of any that swims: though you may carp at me for saying so, I can assure you that both Dr. Spratt and Dr. Whaley are of my mind.—This is an excellent fowl, and a fit dish for high-flyers. Pray, sir, what is your o-pinion of this wing? As for the leg, the cook ought to be clapper-clawed for not roasting it enough. But, now I think of it, why should this be called the bird of Bacchus? A. Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not at all. You mistake the matter. Pray is it not a grape-lover; i. e. grey plover? Are you for any of this mutton, Sir? If not, I can tell you, that you ought to be lamb-asted; for you must know that I have the best in the country. My sheep bear away the bell, and I can assure you that, all weathers, I can treat my friends with as good mutton as this: he that cannot make a meal of it, ought to have it ram-med down his throat.