Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball
I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of foot ball they have in New York, so while I was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see a game of it, so went out to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball. Wall now I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All I got to see wuz about fifty or sixty ambulances, and I think about that many surgons and phisicians. Wall, from what I could see of the game I calculate they needed all of them. I saw one feller and 'bout fifty others had him down, and it jist looked as though they wuz all trying to get a kick at him. They had a half back and a quarter back; I suppose when they got through with that feller he wuz a hump back. Anyhow, if that's what they call foot ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want any foot ball in his'n.
I never played but one game of ball in my life that I kin remember on, and don't believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it wuz along in the spring time of the yeer, and the weather wuz purty warm and sunshiny, and the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like to have you help us play a game of base ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too old fer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help you play one game, I'll be durned if I don't." Wall, we got out in the paster and wuz gittin' ready to play; we got the bases and bats put around in thar places, and a buckit of drinkin' water up in the fence corner, whar we could get a drink when we wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers, but we had thirty or forty hogs, and they wuz the best rooters you ever seen; jist then I happened to look around and thar wuz the biggest billy goat I ever saw in all my life. You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of the paster; I would hav got out too, but I got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought to hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through the fence. He didn't git me all the way through, cos I wuz half way through when he got thar; but he got the last half through. I didn't make any home run, but I wuz the only feller what had a score of the game; I couldn't see the score, but I had it. Every time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly how the game stood.
They hav a good many new fangled games now, but when they git anything that can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat fer a battery, durned if I don't want to see it.
The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad
WONDERS will never cease—we've got a railroad in Punkin Centre now; oh, we're gittin' to be right smart cityfied. I guess that's about the crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt. I think that railroad runs across itself in one or two places; it runs past one station three times. It's so durned crooked they hav to burn crooked wood in the ingine. Wall, the fust ingine they had on the Punkin Centre wuz a wonderful piece of masheenery. It had a five-foot boiler and a seven-foot whissel, and every time they blowed the whissel the durned old ingine would stop.
Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're mighty proud of it; but we had an awful time a-gittin' it through. You see, most everybody give the right of way 'cept Ezra Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go through his medder field, and it seemed as though they'd hav to go 'round fer quite a ways, and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin Centre at all. Wall, one mornin' Ezra saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most uncommonly busy like; so he went down to them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin' down here?" And they sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins, we're surveyin' fer the railroad." And Ezra sed, "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be we? Is it goin' right through here?" And they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar it's a-goin', right through here." Ezra sed, "Wall, I s'pose you'll have a right smart of ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about plow up my medder field, won't ye?" They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do some gradin'." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jist the way you've got that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, sir, jist thar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, near as I kin calculate from that, I should jedge it wuz a-goin' right through my barn." They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we're sorry, but the railroad is a-goin' right through your barn."
Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a spell, and we all expected thar would be trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose the community of Punkin Centre needs a railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections to its goin' through, but I'm goin' to tell ye one thing right now, afore you go any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', you've got to git a man to cum down here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin' along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be too durned busy to run down here and open and shet them barn doors every time one of your pesky old trains wants to go through."