Corporal James Tanner lost both his legs at the second battle of Bull Run. Later, when in a hospital, he and other wounded soldiers were visited by charitably inclined women.
One day an elderly female carrying a neat basket sat down beside Tanner and talked religion to him while he thought of the delicacies in the basket. At length she lifted the lid and took therefrom a tract on the evils of dancing, which she handed to the patient. Tanner looked it over and then said earnestly—
I give you my word of honor, madam, that I’ll never dance again as long as I live. The elderly lady departed with great satisfaction, fully believing she had made a convert.
Emeralds
Hospital Physician—Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward or a—
Maloney—Iny of thim, Doc, thot’s safely Dimocratic.
He had reached heaven in good time. Hello, St. Peter, said he. ’Tis a foine job you have.
Right, sir. ’Tis a great place here. We count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.